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Me v.s. Myself or is it Me v.s my mother?
A year ago last month I ended a bad relationship with my ex and my mother told me to just come back home for a while. I'm almost 23 years old and have been residing in my mothers 1 bedroom apartment since. My mom is on public housing so her apartment is small and I sleep on a futon in her living room. She has 2 cats and 1 dog and she isn't very motivated to keep up on cleanliness when it comes to the pets or even her things. I clean the living room daily and by the time that I get done with work the house smells like dog feces and there's things all of the place again. I told my mom that I didn't think that she should get a dog and if she got it that it would be her responsibility because I thought it was a horrible idea in the apartment. She's using puppy pads for a bathroom for the puppy and well that might be smart but she's not training the puppy how to go outside, just lets her do what she wants in the house. Now she doesn't even take the puppy with her, the dog has become my responsibilty to take care of. Not only is that frustrating but back in January she got pulled over for a dwi and the police found traces of meth in her car so she's getting evicted. As far as I can think back I've never really known my mom to pay a real rent she's always been on some kind of assistance. If she wasn't my mom and just a room mate, she would no longer be living under the same roof as me. Now that she's being evicted we have to find somewhere else to go and I'm so frustrated because without me I don't think she can make it on her own, but I don't want to live with her anymore it's so frustrating. Am I being selfish for wanting us to go our own seperate ways? What should I do- do my own thing and just let her try to figure something out on her own, I don't think she'd make it. I just know that if I move with her now that I'm going to be obligated to stay with her for who knows how long because she definitely can't afford to pay rent on her own. This sucks, I feel like my own mother has me trapped and if I worry about myself first then I'm being a "selfish little brat" as I'm sure she'd call me.
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You're right. Your mother has trapped you and now she is depending on your guilt to keep you there. You are NOT the mother. She is. Its not your job to take care of her. I'm willing to bet that if there's no one there to help her she'll find a way to make it work. You are not wrong for wanting your own space. Tell your mom you care for her and appreciate her giving you a place to stay for a while, but you're ready to go your own way and give her some space. Oh yes, she's going to yell and cry and give you a hard time. She knows which buttons to push and she knows how to make you feel bad. You've got to make it up in your mind ahead of time you're NOT going to let her manipulate you. Rehearse it in your head before you talk to her. Try to practice every situation. If she cries, what will you do? IF she yell? Swears? Calls you a brat? Tell you that you owe her? If she tells you she's going to starve without you? Go over every possible excuse in your mind so you are prepared. Then, when you tell her, just don't linger. Tell her what you are doing and don't let her get you involved in a big drama. Yes, it will be hard for you, but right now, you need to worry about yourself. Sounds like your mom sure isn't. You're not bad, you're smart. Go your own way as soon as you can! Good luck.
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You can't live with her anymore.
Yeah, I get it. You feel like you have to stay to help her. You are going to have to get over that feeling, or stay miserable. Those are the two options. There is no magical pick unicorn of a third option. Moving or Misery. That's what ya got.
You are an adult. Your mother is adult.
Adults get to decide where and how they live. Your mother has decided to live in filth and engage in illegal activities. If your decision is to NOT live in that environment, as difficult and as damaging as that decision might be to your relationship, you are going to have to stick to it.
Are you selfish? People will call you selfish and you're going to have to accept that in order to make your life better. But just because you are putting yourself first doesn't mean it's not the legitimate and right thing to do! When a house is on fire the right thing to do is run out of the house, not stick around and die with someone else who is refusing to move. It is perfectly right for you to get out of living arrangement that is painful, damaging and unhealthy. Imagine, if you were six years old and your mother was caught driving impaired, with methamphetamines and a house covered in feces, the government would not have left you stay in the environment. Why should you subject yourself to an environment that, if you were a minor, every cop, social worker and sane person would be fighting tooth and nail to keep you from?
I really do know how tough it is to watch a family member go to jail because you can no longer stand between them and their own self destruction. There aren't many things in the world as painful as having to make that choice. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the only choice left.
A small note: Before you leave, drop the dog (and maybe the cats too) off at animal shelter. Especially if the dog is young, it probably has a better chance at life there than alone with your mom. If you going to take the difficult and painful step of saving yourself from her, you might as well save the puppy too...
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