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18/f, dating after abuse
To make my love life over the course of high school short, 8th grade I dated a guy (for 6 months) who was an airhead. Freshman to sophomore year I dated a guy (1 year) who was mentally/physically abusive and also raped me. I should also mention he took my virginity. I ended sophomore year on a bad note of one night stands that were alcohol induced out of depression. I started junior year off by dating the same airhead from 8th grade until we ended it about 2 months ago (I'm now a senior).
I feel myself slipping back into what happened to me sophomore year (drunk hookups based off of my need for intimacy). Often guys that I'm friends with will ask why I hate hugs, hand holding, any form of touching. I can't stand to be touched by guys, that is unless I'm drunk. I never used to be this way until I dated the guy who abused me, and it continued into my relationship with the airhead I dated. I don't want to believe that I'll be this way forever...but it's been 2 years and I'm still not okay. I'm going off to college in the fall and it's hard for me to not think of how dating in college is twice as fast as high school. The steps of holding hands or cuddling will be skipped over completely for just sex. I need to fix my issues but I just don't understand how therapy could teach me to like hugs or to be ticklish again. The only person in my life who knows that I have this issue is my best friend and she says I should go to therapy...but I just don't see the use. I just want to set things back.
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What you're feeling is very common in rape victims. The best thing you can do is get help. You have to start the healing process to help you recover, and not a lot of people can fully heal alone. See a therapist, contact RAINN ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)), who has a web-based crisis hotline, or just talk to anyone who can help you. There are plenty of things you can do to get help. I know you don't see the use for therapy, but it's a tremendous help, and I know this from experience. Also, I'd like to recommend this site: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location). It's a site for rape and sexual assault survivors, and it has a section specifically for relationship violence and sexual assault. If the way you're acting is caused by something in your childhood and not from your experience with your ex, a therapist can help you get to the bottom of it.
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Seek out counseling and therapy for whatever abuse or abandonment you experienced as a child. That is the root of your problems.
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Above you said only your best friend knows, so I am asuming your parents never knew about this. You should tell your parents and go to a discussion group. This will help you come to be comfortable bein touched by men. I agree with your friend. I hope I helped.
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