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Fiance? Porn?
Alright guys, this question can be answered by anyone, but I would people with experience (like marriage or serious relationships) to answer. My fiance and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We love each other to death, have been through so much, and currently live together. I've talked to him about how him watching porn makes me feel uncomfortable, disrespected, and a little insecure. He PROMISES me he won't watch, but I end up finding out he's broken his promise. He tries to hide it, but that just makes me angrier, as if he's taking me for someone stupid. It upsets me so much, I just don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone give me some advice? Has anyone ever gone through this? What are your opinions on this matter? Thanks in advance.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
watch it together if it bothers you. My husband and I have watched porn before we have sex kind of spices things up.
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Unless the porn is a constant whack toy, He doesn't acknowledge the fact that he is engaged. Then there shouldn't be a problem. If your fiance is watching porn to the point where it puts your relationship in jeopardy then you need to stand up the plate again and express how it makes you feel. If he decides to continue to "hide" his habits after expressing how you feel towards the situation then I would recommend counseling. Clearly, Your boyfriend then would have an addiction. It's either you or his porn. Blunt, but that is the truth. Porn is like a drug for some people, Stopping is a process. In my opinion the best way to stop is cold turkey..Just don't buy it. If he watches it off of Verizon or Cox if it helps call them and put password code on the television so he can't access it. Sad, that you would need to go that far but hey if that is what it leads to then play his game.
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18 and a Fiance'. Definitely understand.
At the same time, you don't get guys. Not at all.
Porn is primarily about voyeurism. Its a fact that no one pays attention to, but by far the most common kink amongst the human race is the fantasy of watching people not you have sex. Guys are visual far more than women, so while a woman might read a steamy novel, a guy just wants to see fucking. In truth, they both serve the same purpose and most of the time, they're both equally benign.
Go take a look at any streaming site. Many of them are divided out into tens, if not close to a hundred different categories. This is because everyone has a different turn on, and whoever is looking for porn to masturbate to is probably going to be looking for something specific to focus on.
But seriously, look at the categories available sometime. The majority of them refer to a sex act, and its pretty damn rare that you see an actual name on any of them. Why? Because the people having sex don't really matter. It's the sex itself that you're watching it for. Its an outlet for fantasies that aren't part of your real life.
Granted, there are people who become obsessed with a particular porn actress. These guys are usually single and anti-social, people who don't have a woman in their life in the first place.
You feel disrespected because you're insecure, and you feel uncomfortable because you're insecure. I know, especially from a guy, that it's probably offensive to hear. But this is your problem with your own insecurities. If he's turning you down for porn, there's a problem. If he's masturbating so much that he has no energy for you, there's a problem.
But masturbation is normal, and healthy. And guys gravitate towards porn literally for the simple reason that we're largely visual creatures.
It is also possible that your fiance has a fantasy he isn't comfy talking to you about, and that porn is his outlet for that. This is more than common for men who have involved fantasies about unusual sex that they don't believe they'll ever have themselves (group sex being a big example of that)
You should talk to him, but you should also recognize that alot of your problems come from your own perceptions that porn is somehow a replacement for you. 99% of the time, it's not.
I'm married. Coming up on 6 years together and 1 married now. I look at porn daily, my wife doesn't care in the slightest. She knows that she could walk in and express interest if she caught me and I'd get up and run into the shower to clean up for her. Its not a threat to her or the sex life, I just have a few fantasies that are not a part of my real life that I need an outlet for. I also have a sex drive that greatly outstrips hers, so she knows that I can get myself off four times before she gets home and still be all over her the second she walks in the door. It's never a problem for her to get what she wants when she wants it.
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I know having your fiance watch porn is hurting you and making you feel uncomfortable, but first assess how serious the problem is. Is he addicted to it? Does he watch it every day? Does it cause noticeable problems in your relationship?
If he's only a mild porn watcher, maybe you should comprimise and let him. But talk to him about it and ask that he is open about watching porn and that he doesn't try to hide it from you. You could ask him why he likes it so much and see if thats an issue you could resolve. Maybe he feels sexually unsatisfied. You could suggest trying some of the things he sees in porn out in the bedroom to draw the interest to you.
If it really bothers you after all that and the problem gets worse, I suggest therapy. Porn can become a serious addiction just like alcohol or drugs can. Make sure he has it under control.
Good luck,
-Abby
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