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Weed.
So I recently found out that my boyfriend smokes weed. We've been going out for nearly a year. I guess the reason he hasn't brought it up before is that he apparently only does it rarely, if someone else brings it.
Anyway, when I heard this, I was slightly taken aback. For some reason, it really BOTHERED me. It still kind of does. I don't smoke weed, see a need to, or even care that it exists (plus, it's illegal..). So I'm definitely not its biggest fan. However, it's something I'd say at least 50% of the teenagers in my city do (my sister included). And it didnt' really bother or worry me to know that some of my other friends smoke it. Just him. Which is what weirds me out about this situation.
So...thoughts? Comments? What should I do about this? Why do I feel this way? Should I let this get in the way of our relationship? Etc.
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It's weed. Not another girl! He probably knows how you feel and was scared to let you in, amd figured it wouldn't be a big deal since he rarely does it. As someone who didn't smoke weed, I understand where you're coming from. You're taught it's wrong, and that's how it is. Coming from a stoner, it's not a big deal at all. It won't ruin your relationship and you definetly shouldn't let it get between your relatinship :) don't forget, free will
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I disagree that a relationship should be completely honest, as a rule, with NO secrets. I think most of us have secret moments of shame, or deep sorrow, that we carry in private. It is nice if we can find someone we trust enough to share those with, but not being able to tell someone everything does not mean you dont love them. It just means you cant tell them everything.
However, in this case, it does seem as if you feel he was deliberately hiding something he should have shared. This is NOT a deep dark painful secret, that someone has the right to keep close, this is a lifestyle choice, and one that could in theory affect you. If he were in possession, and you both were stopped by a cop, you could in theory get in trouble too.
He should have shared THIS secret with you. But he didnt. In all likelihood, he kept it secret because he knew you did not approve. That is the part that is bothering you, probably as much, or more so, than the fact that he uses at all.
A fair percentage of people, (including a few Presidents) have used marijuana in their youth. That alone is not a good reason to end the relationship if everything else is going really well. However, a tendency to conceal lifestyle choices simply to avoid conflict is a dangerous thing in a relationship. How could you know if he would also conceal a gambling habit? Or if in order to avoid an argument would make unilateral spending decisions that should be shared ones? That is what would be bothering me. Not so much that there was "a secret" but that this secret doesnt really merit being a secret, and it was a secret anyway, simply to avoid conflict.
You two need to talk. You need to sort out why he is concealing things simply to avoid your displeasure. It could be all on him, and simply the way he has learned to behave when he is facing disapproval. Or, it could also be an indication that you are not easy to talk to when someone has beliefs or choices that you disapprove of, in which case he still has fault, but you may share some of it.
Good communication takes two. If you are willing to listen with an open ear and open mind, and he refuses to share, you may have to end the relationship. However, if both of you have communication challenges, and if you love each other, you will have to work together to solve them.
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i think you should tell your boyfriend how you feel about it. he should have told you that he smokes in the first place, the fact that he didn't tell you makes it seem like he's hiding it from you. a serious relationship needs total honesty, you should know everything about each other. no secrets.
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