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A combination of confusion, sexuality, and a possibility of apathy.
Okay, so.. I wish there was a category that combined mental health and sexual issues.
Anyway. I'm a physically healthy female who just turned 21 in February, college student, straight edge, and resposible with all my many chores. But, I've always had problems with sex; no, it's not like I was or am unable to have it, it's just that I want it for the wrong reasons.
Long story short, I had a really, really bad childhood with mixtures of child abuse as well as sexual abuse and now I kind of search for an answer to why a man would want to do such things.
So, I hate men and I generally fear them, but I have this terrible obsession for them. Like, I'll see a guy who looks like he would jump at a chance to take advantage of a girl and have a lack of care for her emotional state and want to punch him square in the face and have sex with him at the same time. I have this situation with one sort of.. Well, I suppose a lover of sorts. He doesn't know it at all, and I'd prefer him not to know it since he thinks I don't have a brain in my skull, but I've always wondered what was wrong with me.
I mean, I was in a seriously loving relationship for four years and my ex loved me with every bit of him. But, I ended up messing it up completely because he actually FELT emotions for me whereas I couldn't completely feel comfortable with him because I knew he cared for me. I wanted to analyze him and all he did was show me how much he loved me. I was a HUGE idiot basically. I still talk to him everyday and we both laugh and joke.
I'd love, and would give anything, to feel some sort of emotion besides lust, desire, and anger to make things better.
I mean, I try to socialize myself now since I was never properly socialized when I was a child, but I just don't understand communication or how my actions or words affect another person, yet I'm sensitive as all hell.
What's <b>wrong</b> with me?
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You were damaged by past experiences. The answer to your question is therapy, there are issues that are too complex for any one person to sort in a reasonable time frame, and this would be one of them.
There are many answers to your question of why. The bottom line is that some people see others around them as objects, buttons and levers to be manipulated to get what they want. Whether the person sees everyone like this, or merely works from this perspective in the moment, this is a key component of the kinds of people who do what happened to you.
There's nothing wrong with you. You're behind, thats all. I understand that better than you'd think, because while my childhood experiences differed vastly from yours the net effect was the same. I graduated from high school and went to college with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old in alot of ways. I'm in my mid 20s now and I kinda feel like I'm working my way past the late teens.
Again, therapy is one answer. Talk to one, talk to several and find one you can trust. Given your issues, a woman is the obvious choice at least to start with. The other answer is hope. You're a bit broken, and the things that made you broken will always be a part of who you are. But you don't have to stay broken.
Think of it this way (I do) are you going to let the people who fucked you up destroy your life? Or are you going to put it behind you, shake the dust of those assholes off your feet, and move on?
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Hi there!
I would certainly say that your reasons for wanting to punch a guy in the face and have sex with him at the same time is because you feel he looks untrustworthy. This is because of what happened to you.
Your wanting to show him the hurt and put him through unwanted sexual abuse, more like 'rape' out of desire for wanting to show him that it's not nice and it hurts.
Everyone deals with these sorts of things differently and their feelings are always described different. Don't think that you are unable to 'love' or 'care' for someone. You most certainly are but you haven't been shown how to do so.
You have had a traumatic experience with sexual, mental, emotional, and physical abuse as a child. A child so innocent that you have no reasons or explanations as to why it happened to you. I'm guessing that the abuser was someone who was suppose to love you? I could be wrong!
Your obsessing over answers instead of trying to figure out how to care for someone else. It's not something you are able to forget however, you are in control now. You are the one who controls your motions, your body and your actions.
Look at the achievements you've have so far college, responsible, respectful and i'm sure there are others. Your at a good place now. Control your situation, don't let it rule the rest of your life! It was certainly out of your control as a child but your not that little girl anymore. Your a powerful woman who made it through child abuse! I applaud you!
I really hope I helped! Good luck :)
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I think you did a very good job at explaining what was wrong with you. You have issues from past abuse affecting your life today.
Unfortunatley there isn't anyone here qualified enough to help you resolve those issues. If you aren't seeing a therapist, you may want to consider it.
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