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i am stuck between ending a good relationship for a better one

Question Posted Wednesday February 24 2010, 4:43 pm

I know that this is long but I need help. I have been with my boyfriend of two years since i was 16 years old, I am currently 18 and in College working towards my maters. He has always been good to me and is my best friend, I can tell him anything and I know he will listen and understand. We have been through a lot together, vacations, deaths, proms exc. and I have seen him every single day for 2 years. Although are relationship was good there are many negatives. When I met him he had gotten in a lot of trouble the year before and I had to deal with it, it was hard but we got through it. Nothing major , just stupid kid mistakes. Although it was not serious, what he did still came back to haunt him and I always was there to swing to the rescue. He has gotten alot of speeding tickets and would never pay them and continues to speed. Just things like that bug me and we would argue about it alot. He is currently about to turn 21 and does not have a degree and was laid off of work 2 months ago. Once again I had to swing to the rescue to give him money because he needs it. I do it because i love him and its not really his fault but its hard for me. He doesn’t really think a lot of things throught before he does them and I always have to deal with the consequences, for example getting an apartment when he cant really afford one. He has come a long way from when I first met him but he still has a long way to go. About two months ago i was introduced to a guy through my now ex boyfriend. I ran into him a month ago and we started to text. He knew I had a boyfriend but continued to pursue me. I started to develop feelings for him and left my boyfriend for him to figure out his situation and for me to figure out mine. I have been spending more and more time with this new guy “John” and he is everything my ex is not. He has a degree and a great job and is good with his money. He is saving for a house. He has set incredible goals for himself and knows that he is going to be extremely successful . His smile drives me crazy and he makes me so happy and I want to be with him and he would do anything to be with me. We recently slept together and the sex was amazing, nothing like I have ever felt before. He is stable and I know that he will always be able to take care of me. The only thing is when I told my ex he was devastated. He’s written me letters upon letters pouring his heart out to me claiming that he has changed and how he does not know how to get over this and calls me balling his eyes out. The letters make me cry and I feel like such a horrible person for what I have done to him. I still love him but after being together for 2 years I feel like the only thing let is to get married and I don’t really want to be the one supporting him. I still talk to him and its hard because he was such a big part of my life for so long but I don’t know what to do. I want to commit myself to “John” and he asks me everyday to be with him but feel as though I can’t because of the guilt and sadness I feel from my ex and I feel as if I’m not ready to but I do not want to lose him over a relationship that most likely will always be the same. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated, I really could use it.

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karenR answered Thursday February 25 2010, 8:14 am:
You go where the happiness is. You cannot make a good relationship based on guilt. Of course your ex is sad. Its just what happens when a break up occurs.

He has to get over it. He will NOT get over it if he has your shoulder to cry on. I know it sounds mean, but you are going to have to cut off all contact until he is over it. You have to move on and leave him in the past if you want your current relationship to work out.

I know you are feeling guilty & sad too. You don't marry someone because of those feelings. It would not work out in the end, and you will have lost what you feel is a good relationship with someone else. 2 years is a long time, but not that long. You will both get over it with time.

So, you are going to have to cut ALL ties with the ex. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no letters, no visits, no listening to pleas in any way shape or form. It will be hard to do but you have to. Or, you go back to being miserable.

Hope you choose to be happy.

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Brandi_S answered Wednesday February 24 2010, 7:11 pm:
"In love you are never going to find the 100% of what you're looking for in a mate, mostly about 80%. Of course you'll see that left over 20% in others and that may sway your attention because that's the missing portion you've been looking for. However if you leave your 80% for that other you'll only be getting 20% and now in need of 80%!"

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One_Whisper answered Wednesday February 24 2010, 6:16 pm:
People fall out of love, Time passes, we grow up and some times people go their separate ways in life.

You have moved on from your ex, It has also been two months since you two broken up (if I read that correctly.) Two months is not a very long time to be apart from your partner especially considering you two were dating for 2 years. You found someone who is successful, who treats you the way you should be treated, Someone you are happy with. Of course if your ex finds out he is going to try to get you back. Guys/Woman sometimes have a tendency to tell the other what they want to hear when the split up and it often occurs when the other person still has feelings for them. All you can do is move on, In 2 months it's hard to believe someone has changed... Think about it. If he hasn't changed in a 2 year period what makes you think he will change in 2 months? The best thing you could do right now is to cut contact, Don't read his letters, Don't answer his text messages. Focus on yourself, Your happiness and what you want in life. Don't let people hold you back and put you into "what if" mode. This is about you not about him.

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