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Edit my essay
I am living where no one speaks english and I really need some help editing my essay:
On the evening of August 12, 2009 I stepped out of a taxi and into the one place I had been longing to go for the past twelve months. The high altitude made the air seem almost too thin to breath, and the huge volcano, Misty, that overlooks the city was disappearing into the twilight. Ignoring my dizziness, I ran up to the first girl I could see and knelt down. I am sure that the grin I had on my face was the largest and goofiest she had seen in her life. “¡Soy Katie!” I blurted, “¿Cómo te llamas?”
“A-Audrey,” she answered hesitantly, not quite sure what to make of this overjoyed stranger who acted like meeting her was the most exciting moment of her life. As a matter of fact, it was.
It had been my dream to volunteer at the Casa Hogar Torre Fuerte ever since I fist heard of the program a year before. Located in Arequipa, Peru, the Torre Fuerte is a home that takes in girls who can no longer stay with their families. The fifty-three girls who live here come from a variety of backgrounds: everything from poverty, to abuse, to the parents being in prison or no longer alive. Most of these kids have been treated like dirt and told that they are worthless. As a volunteer here, it is my job to act as a big sister. I live with fourteen girls, aged eight to thirteen, and I pretty much do everything an older sister does: help them get ready for school, clean up after them, help with homework, provide encouragement, referee squabbles, and, most importantly, love them unconditionally. Even though my daily life consists of simple, every-day tasks, I have gone though an incredible amount of growth during my past five months here.
During my first weeks at the Casa Hogar, I found my circumstances very different than what they had been in the United States. Instead of a student, I quickly became a teacher responsible for the education of my fourteen new little sisters. Encouraging and helping them to do their homework is a daily challenge. I soon found that getting an unwilling elementary school student to write five sentences can be harder than writing a five page paper on my own. My life changed in other ways as well. As an adult volunteer and staff member, I am now completely responsible for myself for the first time in my life. Getting things done such as my laundry and college applications without anyone reminding me took a little bit of getting used to, but suddenly being without parents was not nearly as great of a shock as becoming one myself. My volunteer position here had been described to me as that of a big sister; I cannot help but think, however, that “mom” would be a little more accurate. In my daily life I am responsible for the behavior and well-being of the girls that I live with. Making sure they do their chores, take a shower, and keep their beds organized are all a part of my job. After all of this, I am looking forward to getting back home and cheerfully obeying my parents. They will not have to wait until I have a family before I understand and appreciate what they put up from me for the past eighteen years.
The time that I have spent here at the girls home has also made me a much stronger and more independent person. Much of this has come from my new responsibilities, but there are other reasons as well. The past five months here have been my first time completely separated from all of my friends and family for an extensive length of time. This aspect of my journey has been even harder than I expected it to be. Living so far from everyone who I had once looked to for emotional support means that I must now rely more fully upon myself. It has also given me endurance. Working here at the Casa Hogar was, and is, a very big dream of mine, so when things get tough and I am tempted to pack up and go home I am faced with a choice that will probably be presented to me throughout my entire life: do I take the easy way out, or do I follow my dream even when it is hard? The longer I stay here, the more I learn that it is always worth the effort to fight for what you want.
The way that I view the world has been completely turned on its head since I left the United States. I could talk a lot about how the poverty in this country has struck me or about how I used to always take education and literacy for granted. I could even talk about how my idea of which foods are edible has been expended, but these things did not affect me nearly as much as what I have found inside the hearts of the girls themselves. I suppose the stealing was the first hint I had that the children here were not as innocent as I had always imagined. Little things, like chocolate, and eventually money began disappearing until I learned to keep everything locked up. As time went on, I found myself lied to, manipulated, and disrespected more than I had ever experienced in my life. Before the end of the first week I began to learn that almost all of the girls have lost their childhood. Their pasts have taught them dreadful things, and many were forced to give up their innocence just to survive. Their integrity has been torn to shreds, and when they finally come to the Torre Fuerte they are starved for love and have a hard time trusting anyone. This lesson was a difficult and painful one to learn, but it is also acting as the driving force as I set my goals for the future and move towards them.
It is my dream to become a doctor. Not only do I want to help others by finding cures to illnesses and healing the body, but I would like to focus on bringing health to the entire person: mind, body, and spirit. Many of my ideas I draw from Patch Adams, a doctor who travels around the world bringing joy, laughter, and healing to those who are suffering. His long-term goal is to create a free “fun hospital” where the patients and doctors are part of a community that incorporates friendship, trust, and fine arts into the healing process. When this hospital is built, I would like to work there. Until then, I would like to live and work as if I were already a part of that community.
The last paragraph is especialy challenging. I don't feel that I am getting my point across at all. Any help would be appreciated, thanks.
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Beyond simple typos, here's what I noticed.
"Most of these kids have been treated like dirt and told that they are worthless"
- "Kids" is slang. Replace with "children"
" and I pretty much do everything an older sister does"
- "pretty much" is sort of insubstantial and slangy as well. You can just take it out of the sentence.
"I have gone though an incredible amount of growth"
- "I have experienced an incredible amount of growth" or "I have experienced incredible growth" would sound better here.
"I found my circumstances very different than what they had been"
- "I found my circumstances very different from what they had been" would be better.
"appreciate what they put up from me"
- "appreciate what they have put up with from me" or "appreciate what they tolerated from me"
"here at the girls home"
- Should be "at the girls' home"
As for the last paragraph... I agree that it doesn't get your point across. I would remove the Patch Adams reference, personally. It lessens the impact of your life goal statement. It's like your life goal is to do something that someone else has already set up. Maybe if you were to state that you want to join in the quest for the "fun" hospital, that would emphasize it better.
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First paragraph, second sentence: change breath to breathe. Second paragraph, third sentence: change 'fist' to first.Second paragraph, third sentence: change "girls who live here" to "girls who live there." Third paragraph, first sentence, change "than what they had been" to "from what they had been." Third paragraph, second sentence, add a comma after teacher. Fifth paragraph, third sentence, change "expended" to "expanded."
Let me say that as I look at the essay as a whole, the paragraphs flow very well. Each has a topic and expands on that topic. I do agree with you about the last paragraph. The main thing that jumps out to me about it is that it doesn't seem to be a concluding paragraph to the essay you have written. It is almost as if it is an essay unto itself. Try rewriting it to both sum up your essay, but tying in your goals for the future. I am not sure you have to mention Patch Adams in the last paragraph. Summary paragraphs should be a conclusion/summary of your essay and not introduce new information as much as you do.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
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