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Third Base Horror
18/f. I just had sex for the first time with my boyfriend of 4 months. And he knows this, but when I was younger, I was raped. Several times. By my older brother. and that's caused havoc with my love life, like you wouldn't even know. I just shut down for no apparent reason, I just get really scared and I don't know how to deal with it and it's so frustrating. and It hasn't been that huge of a problem, I'm fine with everything, we can have sex and I'm fine, but when we hit third base, I just can't do it. I can't give him head, I go into a nervous break down and I can't bring myself to do it. and yesterday he tried eatting me out, and I was okay at first, but just looking down and seeing him sent me into this horrible flashback and I can't let him do it. It just freaks me out too bad. I don't think this is normal, but does anybody else have anything like this? How do I make it go away? I want to be intimate with my boyfriend, and this is severally barring it. Thanks so much...
Sincerally, 3rd base horror
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I understand your problem, although I was not raped I was molested many times as a kid. I am sure you have been told to see a therapist and I would strongly recommend it. I have never seen one because in my case I only ever saw one of my offenders ever again, but he is your brother and he will be present in your life.
I have had to stop my husband from making sexual advances towards me because I get flashbacks. A couple of things that work for me when I am intimate;
Repeat your boyfriend's name in your head.
Realize that what you are doing is normal and acceptable between two lovers.
Most high schools and colleges have therapist on hand so you might consider talking to them if you do not want your parents finding out. I know he is your brother and you do not want to hurt your parents, but is it fair that he is getting away with it while you suffer and will suffer for the rest of your life??? I cannot stress this enough, get professional help.
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This is really hard to know what to advise on.
I can repeat the therapist advice. If nothing else, go tell your parents that you want to speak to one, and don't tell them why. Tell them that its important, but you cannot talk to them about what you need to get out, and you want them to help you find someone you can talk to.
I also want you to think about this. As painful as it is for you. This is eating you up inside, and while I can tell that you're good at putting it on hold and ignoring it most of the time, you might down the road not be as OK about it.
Again, therapy. None of us are professionals and your problems are convoluted and complex, and the choices you face to deal with this can have some far reaching repercussions for you and for others.
If nothing else, there's a part of me that wants to tell you to tell your parents. I know you want to spare them, spare yourself, even spare your brother, but on the other hand right now only two people know what your brother can do.
If there's one high statistic among rapists, its repeat offenders. I feel like someone other than you should know what he's capable of, if only because you should never put yourself (as a victim) in the position of being the only one who knows that he has an opportunity to do it to someone else and thus being the only person who can act to stop him.
Think about it, if you like send me a personal question with your thoughts.
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Does your boyfriend understand what is going on and how is he dealing with it? Sit down and talk with him and see where you two are in this point of the relationship. Sex is a big step and both partners have to be on the same page as to where each other stand and what makes either of you comfortable.
To a point I do understand where you are coming from and it was hard to tell the parents. But I think it was the best thing because now it's all out and I don't shut down anymore. And you probably wont either. It could help with you and your boyfriend being intimate. It's not your fault that it happened and although you may feel like it is and your parents may blame you. They wont. Your brother was in the wrong you were an innocent little girl. It is normal that you feel uncomfortable with the oral sex because it is going to remind you of the moment. But like I said if you tell your parents things might get better for you.
I hope my advice helped you hunny and if it didn't let me know okay. I don't want to give bad advice. ♥ good luck!
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well i think you should tell someone like ur parents or go 2 a theraphis or something you have to talk about it so it can all go away~hope you like my advice♥
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This obviously has something to do with your being raped. Have you seen a therapist or something? I'm not saying you're crazy, but it might help to be able to talk out these problems and maybe you can help solve your fears.
Have you told your boyfriend? I mean, does he know the reason that all of this is scary to you? I'm sure if he doesn't, he should know, and maybe he can help you. And I'm sure he won't be mad and he will probably be really understanding.
I don't really know how to get over it without the help of the people you love, but maybe as you and your boyfriend become more attached you might become more comfortable?
--Jack
(18/m)
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