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Literally being torn apart by emotions. . .
15/f
*sigh* sorry if it's long, I'll try to make it brief.
Okay, so last summer the love of my life died. He was the best b/f ever and I knew I wanted to marry him and spend forever and more with him. The thought tragically ended when he was hit by a drunk driver--he didn't even make it too the hospital :'( . Ever since then, I have not been able to have feelings (like a crush) for any guy at my school. I know at least two guys that like me, and they are really great but my mind keeps picking at the things that annoy me about them and I just can't have feelings back.
Well, I haven't had any crush or any feeling at all since September--until now. I'm starting to like one of my guy friends and I think he kind of likes me. The problem is, whenever we get close or make physical contact I feel this terrible guilt. It's like a stabbing pain and I can't get past it. I want to be able to form a relationship but everytime I get close or even think about my friend I feel like I'm commiting murder or something. It's so bad it has come to the point where I burst out crying when he hugged me. I can't control it. I don't know what to do. Please help.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
It is perfectly normal to have feelings of resentment or issues with commitment. Even though it was a year, it doesn't stop the pain going away. You may not feel this way conciously but unconciously you may feel guilty when you are happy. You feel that you shouldn't be happy unless he is right there with you. The truth is, he loved you and wanted to make you happy. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty for making the most of your life and experiencing joy. I don't know if you are religious, but I believe that is guarding you everywhere you go and he would want you to be happy. You being happy makes him happy.
Its perfectly common to feel insecure when it comes to relationships. This is something that takes time, you don't want to force yourself to get into a relationsip. You want to ease into it slowly and as less painful as possible. You should get closer, get to know people before completely committing, just until you feel completely comfortable about it. Some things you could do to keep your mind off of it, writing in a journal, lyrics, make a song, scrapbooking, sewing, taking photos, etc. Remember he would want to to be happy not unhappy.
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Time is surely playing a big role in how your emotions are taking to these new feelings for another person.
It has been a year, and for some that is plenty of time, but for others it might take alittle longer.
It might help alittle if you voice this to the person you are liking now and hopefully get some understanding and patience. Surely you wouldn't want to spend any more time with someone that can not understand what you are going through.
Being able to voice how you feel about him as well as your hurt and guilt that you are feeling for your lost love will prove beneficial for you and how you'll deal with future feelings of hurt or confusion.
Try talking to this new potential love and see how things go from there.
Best of luck. Don't lose hope!
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I think that maybe you are just not ready to move on yet.
You cant rush these things as they take time and that can only depending on you.
You have been through a great deal and i admire how strong and well you seem to be handling it, but you need to cut yourself some slack.. if you are starting to like this other guy then thats great because you are beginning to move on, but you are consumed by guilt because you feel you still need to remain faithful to this other guy.. but you cant spend the rest of your life like this, it does have to stop one day, but maybe that day isnt today and maybe that day is tomorrow.. but that day will come when you are ready, and you will know in yourself when you are truly ready to move on, until then, stay strong darling.
x
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First of all, I am sorry for your loss. It is quite hard to begin healing after someone close to you has died.
Secondly, you are still grieving over that loss, which is perfectly normal. Everyone goes though the stages of grieving at different paces.
It seems to me that you are still in the depression stage. This is not to necessarily say that you are clinically depressed. For what you said, you feel guilty for moving on in your life when you remember your feelings for the loved one who died. It makes you sad to remember those times and you personalize the situation as if your friend is watching you and can see you moving on and you feel guilty.
There is nothing wrong with this. But I am proud of you for WANTING to move on.
First of all, I personally don't think that you are ready for a relationship. You are still grieving and how can you give attention to another person if you are still grieving? You should let the process of healing run its course and if your new potential relationship really cares for you, they will understand and be a friend. However, I think it is too soon for you to be IN a relationship just yet.
You are not betraying your friend by wanting to be in another relationship. That friend would want you to be happy and healthy. They would not want to see you sad and lonely.
The best thing is to talk to someone, like a professional. Even if it's just for a bit, it will help move you along the process of healing and the stages of grief until you reach acceptance, which means you understand that you have to move on and you will be MENTALLY READY to move on. You have understood that you must move on, and you want to, but you aren't ready just yet, and a professional counselor will definitely get you there.
Until you are healed, it is not a good idea to be in a relationship, as the strain of being with someone else will inhibit your progress. This is not to be crass or mean, but it is the truth. A true and healthy relationship is one where both individuals are committed to each other and can share the joy and comfort of the relationship. If you are still grieving and cannot fully enjoy the relationship, and he is giving all he can, it will put a strain on the happiness of your relationship. Hopefully he will understand that you need more time. If he can wait, that is good, but I wouldn't date him until you are through your grieving. It is not fair to either of you to not be 100% committed to each other. Besides, how happy would you be if you couldn't give him all your wonderful, happy self?
Yes, a professional would be the best way to go. Find a grief counselor and they will help you continue your healing process.
I hope this helps and I hope it all works out for you.
-Charlotte
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