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breakup/rape
Two weeks before starting our first year of college (at the same university), my boyfriend broke up with me when I brought up how we were leaving so soon and things seemed up in the air with us. I was very much in love with him; he was my first, we dated for a little over a year, we were always there for each other, and none of our friends ever saw the breakup coming. We hang out in the same group of friends, so by the time the news got around most people were already at school.
I visited my best friend that following weekend to get my mind off of it, but at the end of the night I ended up being left by myself in this guy's apartment where he raped me. I didn't tell her (I really didn't want to make her feel like a bad friend, she was drunk and thought I was already gone), and all my other friends were in college already so I didn't want to bother them with my problems, and my parents would freak out and probably make me stay at home, and plus it can't get any more sad; it was the day before my 18th birthday. I'm the kind of person who hates being felt sorry for, and I would rather put it at the back of my mind.
Anyway, back to my ex: we planned on remaining good friends, but after arriving here, we starting ignoring each other, he would do anything to avoid me, and vice versa. I avoided him because I didn't know how to deal with my situation, and I cared about him so I didn't want that hanging over his head too, I would rather him be able to have fun his first year of college without worrying about his ex and her sob story. I have no idea why he is ignoring me, but as winter break is approaching, our group of friends is set on hanging out, and I'm nervous about seeing him; when our mutual friends came up last month to visit he avoided seeing me and we had to take turns taking them out (mature, I know). If we talk, should I explain to him what happened? Would he not care? We're in a band together too so we're basically forced to interact, and I feel like what happened to me was relevant to the way things ended between us. But I know that's not something a guy wants to hear about an ex, which is why I didn't say anything in the first place. Help!
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Dear Anonymous -
First off, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Though not exactly the same situation, I can empathize with where you are coming from with what happened.
In my honest opinion, since your ex-boyfriend hasn't been expressing interest in speaking with you and makes a great effort in trying to avoid any interaction with you, I wouldn't bother telling him. There's really no point and in my opinion, especially since it seems like he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. His reaction(s), or lack thereof, might end up making you feel worse.
As far as your friend goes, I would tell her what happened. She might feel bad initially, but what you're going through isn't easy and you're at a point where you need her the most. I'm sure she will understand.
I know that it's really hard to deal with what happened, and you feel as though you don't have anyone you can talk to about it without feeling like a burden, being afraid of being treated differently because of it, and feel like nobody will understand. I was in that situation, and what I found that helped me was to call the rape hotlines, join rape-victim forums, talk to a victim's advocate, seek counseling, or some other method that involves getting these feelings off your chest.
Hope this helps and I hope things work out for you. :)
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That's very sad that happened to you. And whatever you do don't blame yourself for the rape, it wasn't your fault- even if you were drunk and stayed at the guys house. I've kinda been in the same situation, but people found out about it, and people started calling me a whore and they didn't even know the situation.
If I was you I'd start talking to your ex. And if yall are trying to ignore each other it might be because yall still have feelings for each other. Once yall start talking again and tell him about the rape, yall were dating for awhile so he will care, and he can help you through it.
& your not a push over, or anything like that. You've been through a lot lately and from the sounds of it you havent really been able to tell any one about the rape. I suggest telling someone, and your ex sounds like someone who might be able to help you through it..
Good luck! & let me know how it goes =]
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Divine...
I am sorry that happen to you but at the same time it running through my head why would you fall to sleep at stranger house it don't matter if your friend best friend knew him, however if you was drinking you should kept your limits.
sweety you have to be responsible now that your
in college anything can happen which you witness for your self. I hope that you do learn something
and take this into mind.
however I think you need to talk to someone that you know you can trust. this is serious if don't want to tell the police and your parents then talk to one of your friends. before it really start to effect more then what it maybe that if it effecting or not effecting you
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You do have a touchy situation. You have to take into consideration that you were with your boyfriend for over a year, so the feelings are still there, I'm sure....and there is a part of me that says it would not hurt to tell him what happened to you, but then again, if you guys end up getting back together, I'm not sure how comforable he'll be with getting intimate with you. things of that nature are very difficult to push to the back of your mind. Perhaps sharing it here might have released some of the stress of it, so let's focus on what you're going to do come time to hang out or see him.
Confront him, finally, to see what his thoughts are, or if he's interested in being closer. It would be healthy for you to find this out just to see where things will stand for you two come time to go back to school.
I hope all goes well!!
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