|
I don't know what to feel.
15/f. I'm sorry if this is all over the place and choppy, I'm just going to type things as they come into my head, which is really unorganized. Firstly, I know it's just a normal teenage thing, but I've been feeling the weirdest things lately. Like this morning, I was in a bad mood when I woke up, really happy when I got to school, and then went back into a terrible mood once second block rolled along. I haven't really been happy lately.
I've never exactly been skinny... about a year and a half ago, I started not eating much. I never went more than a day without eating, and it only lasted about a week, but in that week I lost sixteen pounds, and ten more in the next month or so. It made me feel accomplished that I had that kind of power over my body. I told my friend Corey first, who I now have a huge crush on... we aren't even really that close, and I don't know why I told him, I just did. I could tell he felt uncomfortable when I told him, which I think partially ruined my chances with him now. And I still think about starving myself.... Sometimes I'll go for a few days without eating a lot. I get upset and mad at myself if I look at the scale and it says I'm over 130.
Awkward jump in subject, my mom has a boyfriend. My parents split up when I was 7, so I only have a few memories of my dad living here. I feel really selfish, but I just don't like having another man here when I can barely even remember my own father in this house. Plus, I've heard him and my mom before... If you all get what I mean. Personally, I think that is extremely inconsiderate... not to mention gross. He sleeps over every weekend.
Another jump... I have mutilated myself before... as in cut myself. Not badly, and I've only bled once, but I have done it. I don't know how I feel about that. I have light scars on my arm, and I don't mind that they're there... I wasn't even really depressed when I did it. I mostly only did it when my mom and sisters would fight.... They'd be downstairs screaming and swearing at each other and it would just make me so mad. It still does. I just hate listening to them. I don't cut myself any more, but I do think about it. Sometimes when I get really upset and don't know what to do with the crazy feelings in my head, I'll bite myself... I know, that's really weird. I've never told anybody before... It just feels good to get my energy out like that. I'll usually bite my arms, and it doesn't leave a permanent mark. I only bite hard enough that I feel some pain and that's it. I've never bled because of it, and it's always gone the next day.
I'm sorry again to anyone who has read this because I understand if it's a waste of time. I just had to get some of that out, and I figured this would be a good way to do it. Sort of like an online diary. And I'm hoping that someone can relate to me.. I really feel like I don't fit in sometimes. I just hate it. I feel so stupid and insignificant sometimes, and like I'll be alone for my whole life. Haha, that's pathetic. Sorry again for anyone reading this. But thank you to anyone who's still with me and has read the whole thing. Does anyone know how I feel? Or have any ideas of how I can be a little happier, or just less insecure? I know I'm sort of unclear about my problems.
Thank you so much to anyone who can help me understand all of the things I'm going through and feeling :)
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Well the mood swings is proble the age your at.
But i understand what you mean how you hate your moms boyfriend being over your house doing gross things. Now you might not feel comfterable talking to her about, but you should try and let her no what ever your feeling.
Have you ever wanted to meet your dad? you should ask your mom about him or try to find him online or something.
You should not be cutting yourself and you said you have stopped and thats Good! but biting yourself you shouldn't be doing that i no you might think it helps you get your feelings out but you are just hurting yourself more.
Try finding a diffrent way to express yourself it could be painting writing running praying anything just something positive.
I NO this is very hard for you to be seeing and dealing with and you are confused about it and the only advice i can give you is, to stay true to yourself don't act out on things because you feel a certin way.
I don't no if you believe in god or anything but you can always pray and ask for help( i no it might sound werid hard confusing what ever you think but just try it) You can look at the positive in your life even though it might be hard to see any there you can start off with you like the color of your hair anything it doesn't matter just start by that and you will be gin to love yourself. Everyday say something positve to yourself weather its about you or the life you re living think of how your life can benifit you. By teaching others how to get throw time like these. It's making you independent.
Also one thing the girls and boys do manly girls is they try to make themselves feel better by having sex with guys, and it only makes everything worse. so please don't make it harder on yourself and act out by having sex with guys. Wait for the PERFICT guy that was made for you.
I AM SO SORRY THIS IS DISORGINAZIDE AND EVERYTHING IS SPELLED INCORRECT I WAS IN A RUSH SRY, PLEASE MESSAGE ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS AND I WOULD LOVE TO TALK WITH YOU TO HELP YOU WITH YOU SITUATION.
]
Think postively and don't think negatively if you do you'll make yourself feel worst and the situation do things that make you happy hurting yourself and not eating isn't going to solve anything everyone has things they don't like about themselves or that they'd like to change it's normal your in control of your life nobody elese if you don't like something change it until your satisfied be confident believe in yourself confidence goes a long way live your life be thankful your alive there's always another person out there who has it worst off then you just when you think you've got it bad :)
]
First of all, I am so sorry you are having these problems. But have you thought that all of these things could very well be related? I think you mean well when you try to control your weight...but what you have done could cause damage to your heart. I think your self-mutilation also might be from your trying to exert some control over your life, while your life is feeling like it is spinning out of control. You poor thing. Please don't think that you can handle these things by yourself. You can't. You have to get professional help. If you don't feel like you can tell your mother right now to make an appointment at the family doctor for you (to start), then you must start with the counselor at your school.
All of what you wrote above is related. You need to get help to resolve some of these issues. Your happiness and success in life could depend upon it.Good luck.
]
Sometimes knowing other people feel the same way helps a lot. So I hope I help when I say I can relate and know where your coming from :)
I've had my issues with eating disorders. My mother's had her fair share of boyfriends...and I hate it when they come around. Which I feel selfish about sometimes.
As far as your want to hurt your self...I think it all comes down to you feeling lonely and like you don't belong anywhere.
Best way to get over your fears, is to face them. There's no better way to do that than to GET INVOLVED! So I recommend joining stuff at your school or outside, doesn't matter. Just try to think of stuff your into and try finding a club that you feel you could be apart of. You know?
]
More Questions: |