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what could be wrong with me?
I am 16(female).
on October 8, 2008 I committed suicide by overdose. I remember being carefree, hyper, crazy, and most of all I felt emotions vividly. at the time I had an 18 year old boyfriend. I was a "navy brat" and had a childhood sweetheart back in the states, so while I was in out of america I decided not to take any relationships seriously. but after I thought my sweetheart had abandoned me for another, I found I had fallen in love with the 18yr old though he constantly used me. we were together again for a fourth time, and a week later he tells me he is going to be a father, a month before, he had apparently gotten a 26yr old woman pregnant. the pain was unbearable, I found myself alone in the world, and so I emptied and entire medicine cabinet into my stomach, mostly pain-killers, unopened bottles, and so, thousands of pills. but on a military base a hospital was close and I was found before I died, barley by minutes. I was told to drink a bottle of charcoal, the doctor said it was to take the pain, when it was actually to detoxify my body. I disobeyed the doctor because I was tired and fell asleep, I'd had a wonderful dream but awoke throwing up the charcoal, the nurse was in panic, my heart had stopped beating until I woke up, and though the dream lasted a whole night it seemed, I had only "slept" for 3 seconds, and in a death-like state. but the point to telling this story is that, when I woke up, I could not feel. I thought it may have been depression, but even weeks, months, and now more than a year, I still cannot feel emotion. I am back in the states and with my childhood sweetheart, and it is so strange that I just cannot feel, I can remember having a fiercing love for him, 6 years of it to be exact, but that is it, I can remember the feeling but not..feel. days have run into eachother it seems, time is slow but fast all at the same time and I feel nothing genuine. I was a thespian (actress) and so it is easy for me to wear a constant mask, all I have to do is remember how I was and put on an act. I used to be lazy and have bad grades, now I am quiet and make straight A's. I see the world from a whole different view, as if my body acts and I can see things but am nothing more than an empty shell, a souless wandering thing with a body that acts on its own. I wonder if one day, maybe after enough time has passed, that maybe I can feel emotions again and live. but it has been over a year... I am concerned..I know I love my childhood sweetheart/boyfriend, I can remember that clearly and have no plans on leaving his side. but it is still strange..I know he loves me..I know he falls for the mask I put on and doesnt know something is wrong..but I desperately want to feel again..to not wear a mask of my past and give to him the genuine love which he gives me. I have also found that I cannot seem to cry anymore either; I remember my pillows used to get replaced often because I cried so much that it ruined the material, but now, not a single tear. it is as if I am fading away slowly..something is very wrong with me and I don't know what..I want my soul back..I want to be able to feel again... is there anybody else who can relate to this absence of emotion?
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You have major, clinical depression. I know what I'm talking about here because I have it too. I was diagnosed about 12 years ago. PLEASE, PLEASE see a doctor and get on an antidepressant as soon as possible. I was on Effexor for a few years and am now on Cymbalta. Depression is the most terrible thing that can happen to a person in my opinion. Go to [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) and learn about it. The drugs don't change who you are or your behavior at all. They actually let you be the person you truly are. You were happy and carefree. You'll be that way again once you let your brain get back to how it should be. Go to the doctor immediately, please. The doctor will get you in to see a someone who can prescribe an antidepressant if he can't. You;ll have your life back again.
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It sounds like your confused and don't really know what you want. You've been through a lot so it's pretty typical for you to have emotions such as these. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. This is something way far out there that even people on advicenators can't help you with completely. If you go to therapy it'll give you a secure place to speak to somebody about all your issues. They can offer you coping mechanisms when you have feelings such as these Tell your parents you need to get therapy. I'm sure they'll allow it.
xoxo,
dottie4
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