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humorist-workshop
lost (or almost) bff
I'm 17/f and I have (or had) this best guy friend named Paul. Just to make this clear, we weren't together or dating and I never had any type of crush or romantic feelings for him, we were just best friends for like almost all of high school. Over this summer, especially we hung out all the time and went shopping and stuff. He was always the one I could vent my complaints to about other people and he did the same to me because we almost always shared the same views and didn't have other people who agreed with us. So there are these two friends that we have, Holly and Dani. They were pretty much his best friends next to me and I was (and still am) really good friends with Holly. The whole junior year, he started to get fed up with them and would complain about them all the time. Over this past summer when we would hang out all the time, all he could talk about was how annoyed he was with them and how he was "seriously considering not being friends with them anymore". I honestly didn't mind his complaining about them and even agreed with some stuff. but i said to him why did you get yourself into a whole friendship with them in the first place if you don't like them? I know, though that he didn't feel that way about me because I know we had a connection and could really, really relate to each other which him and Holly or Dani never did.
So then the first day of senior year comes. I'm really, really good at reading peoples' attitudes and have a really good sense of when people are being even the slightest bit snippy or moody or avoiding. From the first week of school until the fourth week of school this was the case with him. It wasn't too bad but I could tell he had a slight change in attitude towards me from what it was during the summer. He even canceled on me like twice when we were supposed to hang out, for reasons like, "now I don't have time" and "I'm too tired". AND every single time I turned my head I would see him with Holly and Dani. Like, if he could pick either me or Holly to walk in the halls to class with he would walk with Holly and not bother waiting for me. I mean, don't get me wrong we still talked all the time the same as we always did but it was just different from what it was over the summer. And the thing is, I did absolutely NOTHING that he could be potentially annoyed or upset with me about. So it's not friendship breaking material but definitely something he should be confronted about.
I call him and try to talk about it in a very calm, civil manner, trying not to make that big a deal and before I can even really say anything he's like, I don't wanna talk about this now, you're just in a bad mood. So I had no choice but to take the immature route and write him a fb message about how I felt. I was so annoyed that he was too immature to handle talking to me on the phone. I decided, I said what I have to say, now it's his turn to say something to me. It's been almost 4 weeks and he hasn't said anything to me. I really feel like he just doesn't care or he's too immature to have the balls to talk to me and confront the situation. I just feel really let down. I really don't want our friendship to end, but on the other hand, if he doesn't care it's not worth it right? In a way I feel like if he really wants me as a friend, he would talk to me but then again maybe he's just being immature, so if he's that immature i really shouldn't be friends w/ him anyway, but then should I let his immaturity in this one situation ruin our friendship? Should I say something to him or still wait for him to say something to me? This situation is just so middle school-esque but I feel like I shouldn't spoon feed him by talking to him. From the bottom of my heart I really want it to work out but idk if that's realistic. What should I do??
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
At 17 - I feel you have done everything right to maintain this friendship. YOu have shown your friend that he truly matters to you and that you want to save this friendship. He does not owe you the reasons as to why he doesn't want to hang out with you as much, or why he prefers Holly instead. But, if you ask him at least one more time, you can get that last question out of your mind (what if i did ask?) What is the worse that can happen? He might just not answer right? In any case - if he truly respected your friendship and you, he will tell you what has been bothering him.
Also, there might be some personal issues that are behind closed doors that he may not want to reveal. Sometimes there is not much else you can do but give someone the space they are asking for, they do sometimes find their way back. And if they don't, don't ponder over well 'what if and maybe' - sometimes friendships are only meant to last a few moments but in those moments they definitely change your life (for better or for worse) but it allows you to grow as a person.
=)
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I dont think you did anything wrong. Unfortunately people change and those change hurt alot and alot of times, I think you did the right thing in staying as calm and polite but sometimes we do need to take that step and bring the topic up. It all really depends on how you expressed yourself in the fb mess. As to why he changed? I think it could have been that you told him " why did you get yourself into a whole friendship with them in the first place if you don't like them?" that may have been a point in his life that he felt he really relied on you alot and might have made him think alittle more about how he saw holly and danni. I dont think you should bring this topic up instead just stay in touch and fb mess him "hey buddy i miss you" or " hey when are we going to hang out again?" something that will not express that your upset...for some reason guys always think girls are upset...but again i think he changed and you have to in a way understand that hes still changing body and mind will change just like yours which sometimes makes things really confusing. I had a very close friend that i had a very good relationship then she started to distance herself and i never got upset or brought it up i just always let her know with my actions that i was alaways there for her, it wasn until i saw her making a mistake that i did talk to her about letting her know that i really care about her and that i did not want her to suffer horrible aftermath, she realized that i really cared for her, it made our bond strong. being a friend is tough and especially when you feel your friend abandoned ship without the need to. be neutral and be ready to be there and prove that you are a true friend. I hope this helps if it doesnt let me know
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It doesn't really sound like it has anything to do with maturity, It sounds like it is clearly peer pressure. It COULD be that Dani and Holly might of said things that made him think twice. Despite you being friends with Holly almost EVERYONE talks about someone at one point or another behind their backs. I'm not saying this is the case but it very well could be. If this IS what happened then you're right he should of been man enough to discuss this in a private manner. The next possible reason could be that he might be feeling overwhelmed with the amount of time you two had spent together and just might need some time away for awhile and if this is the case again he should of told you he needed a break. All you can do well...You could try to talk to him it has been about 4 weeks now and that is plenty of time to give someone who needs space. If he doesn't respond back, gives you the cold shoulder, or makes up excuses well then you at least get a hint that he is not interested in making the friendship work. If this happens at least you tried and you were the bigger person for trying to make things right
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