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Recently paralyzed friend.
Okay, deep breaths as I type this out.
It's very long, but I felt I needed to give all the facts.
16/f
I'd been best friends with this guy since we were seven. We were crazy close. We'd talk about anything and everything, always be around each other, it got to the point where when I went someplace without him, I felt like I was forgetting something. And people would always ask whenever I got somewhere "Hey, where's John?"
Well, you know how things go. We were so connected to each other on a level much deeper than anything you hear teens talking about, that pretty soon we fell in love and crossed that line. And then we REALLY were inseparable. It was so easy, everything was easy. And I loved him. God I loved him so much.
Last year though, everything changed. One of my friends got into a little bit of trouble, and ended up pulling me down with her, not intentionally. She got wasted at a party and didn't want to call her parents, and so she called me. I went to pick her up even though I was only on my permit which was stupid of me, and we got pulled over by the police because I was driving a little fast. He saw my friend, and he also saw an open bottle of beer in her hand. The final blow was when he went to check my license.
I live in a small town: word gets around. And the rumors twist out of control. John's father heard about this mess, but he heard it as: I had been drinking and driving, and I was totally wasted that night, going for a reckless joyride around town. Which was not the case.
I told John the truth and I told his dad the truth, but his dad wouldn't listen to me. His dad has never really liked me for some reason. I was thinking it was because I always had pulled away his son from him, you know, because John spent so much time with me. =\
His dad is a very religious person, very moral and stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke and since his wife died I don't even think he's had sex. And he doesn't ever want John to drink or smoke or any of that stuff either. So upon hearing about that misunderstanding of mine, he forbade John to see me anymore.
You can imagine how devastated I was. I'm barred from seeing John, the guy I'm in love with, my soulmate. I was in such misery, and when I'd be in misery, I'd talk to John. But he wasn't allowed.
But the real hurt came about a week after his father laid down the law, saying I was a bad influence. I caught John at the grocery store downtown and I walked up to him to give him a hug and just have a moment with him, because there were no parents around. But he just looked at me, blankly and turned and walked away before I could reach him. There was no hurt in his eyes or anything. Just a blank stare, nothing like the way he used to look at me.
Another two weeks passed and he had been on a few dates with this girl from our church, well his church now. I don't go to church anymore.
It's been about a year since I've spoken to him, and the only time I ever see him is glimpses of him around town. And we've drifted so far away that sometimes I can't even remember what it was that made us so close.
Okay, deep breaths.
Saturday when I got home from school I had a message waiting for me. It was a friend of mine telling me know that John had been involved in a really bad car accident. He'd damaged his spinal chord and he probably won't be able to walk anymore.
You know that feeling when the world comes to a stop? Here's this boy, my first love who at one point in my life I couldn't breathe without, and now all of a sudden he's hurt, really hurt. And I just can't wrap my mind around it.
It's been so long since we talked. And I'd finally moved on from him, stopped hating him, but never started loving him again. He hadn't even crossed my mind in a month or so. And the whole 10 months I spent trying to get over him, I was thinking about how much I hated him for killing me inside. How much I wanted him to hurt. How much I just wanted to get even with the way he broke me. Did I do this to him? My first thought.
I haven't been able to concentrate all week. I'm sick with grief and fear about what might happen to him. What did happen to him. I can't wrap my mind around it and I'm feeling so confused.
My mind keeps telling me that this is a person who hurt you and the warning flag goes up and says, "You shouldn't hurt this much. Yes, it's bad that he got hurt, but you don't even know him anymore. So just relax, pray and push through."
Then the other side of it, my heart is telling me that old feelings never go away and it's okay to suddenly know that the connection is still there. There's so much running through my mind right now that I can't sort through. It's too heavy. All of it is just way too heavy.
I'm in shock, and I'm being selfish I know I am because here's John, hurt in a hospital bed, and I'll I can think of his my pain and grief.
My friend is taking me to visit him on Sunday. We haven't seen each other in so long, and all that deep history between us...I don't know what to say to him or what to do.
What do you say to a person in this position who once meant everything to you? I don't know what and I don't know how to process all these feelings.
Please, advice. Of any kind.
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okay this is totally going to be late since it is sunday and this was very long but worth typing in every word. I got a full understanding of the situation. you should write him a note and his father. tell them both everything. I honestly dont believe you got over this boy. I dont believe it for the fact you care so much he was in a terrible car accident and weather his father wants to hear it or not his father needs to open his eyes and understand you were not drinking and driving you had a friend who called you asking for help and you helped her. although the right thing to do would have been to contact her parents and have them pick her up. you did what you thought was best tell him this. tell him you love his son. and its been driving you crazy and now he is hurt and you cant totally be there for him because he wont allow you and.. your friend is more and likelt just trying to respect his fathers rules. and dating other girls maybe to try and keep his mind off of you. just tell them everything but get into every single detail about the night of picking up your friend.. i would write.
A friend of mine called me she had been drinking and didnt want to call her parents and asked me to pick her up. Although I know the right thing to do would have been to call her parents and explain the situation but i thought I was doing the right thing by helping a friend. We got pulled over because I had been driving a little bit to fast. But i was not at the party and had not drank anything. I know i only had my temps but i really felt i was doing the right thing although i know it is wrong now. and explain your feelings for his son.
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Your are not a lone. Many people are i a similar situation.No questions asked you should go see him. Let him know that you never forgot about him nor you will never forget your first love. Be onest tell him that he hurt you, but that pain is gone. Pray for him. Just be there.
Lillian
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omg!you know as i was reading this i was reminded by the twighlight story its very similar in a way.
im soo sad this happened to you. jusy know you have my full support!
when you go there try not to be so nervous just walk in and smile. he may tell you to go away because he might not want you to see him in the state hes in but dont walk away because right now he probibly needs you more than anything. remember he loved you just as much as you loved him and he probibly never forgot it.
I want you to have hope and not blame yourself for anything. let the past go and take the future as it comes. my brother was in a very bad car accident where two people died one of them being my half brother. my full brother broke his arms legs pelvis and the list goes on he needed 9opperations and its a miracle he can walk again. the doctors thought he was going to be paralyzed but he was determined to start walking again. 2 years have passed and he can walk run anything,miracles can happen.
if your going to the hospital take some magazines for him to read because it gets really boring there. even take some food for him because hospital food is disgusting! That can even be a convo starter "so umm i bought you some books to read. and i herd hospital food tasted like dog food so i bought you something nice to eat"
just prepare yourself to be rejected the first time but be strong and stay with him. say your not going anywhere because theres no where else youd want to be than next to him.
i hope he has a full recovery and hope this helped :)
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Wow.
First off, it isn't your fault. You honestly should stop feeling guilty because he did not get hurt because of you. If you carry this false guilt with you it will make you feel worse. So try to realize that this was an accident.
I know that you have been through a lot. I know that you have had feelings of saddness and felt that John wasn't there for you anymore. Now, here is what I would do. I would go to visit him tomorrow. You don't have to even talk to him. Just be there. Ask him how he is feeling and how he is doing. Ask him if he needs something. Try to help, but you don't need to be overbearing.
You have to have patience though. For now, forget the past you to have. Forget the pain that you felt before. Because you see, he needs support from his family and friends. And as much pain as you have gone through before, he is going through some pains of his own. Try to be there for him.
My theory is that if try to be nice and helpful, that eventually he will start to be comfortable around you again. And you know if right now you just try to be a friend, his dad might see your good intentions.
I know it will be hard. It will feel like you are starting from square one, but if you have the right outlook, things will work out.
I hope that helps and I hope that everything works out for you. Best of luck :)
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Damn, that was long.
But wow I'm sorry, sympathy for both you and your friend. Well I'm not quite sure what to say, this is a very fragile thing you're going through. You seem to be a very emotional and caring person, naturaly of course you'd be worried about him. He was your best friend and first love as you've stated many times. The fact that his dad completely closed the doors to you for him, well I think that was pretty shitty to do. But parents just want what is best for their kid(s), or what they sometimes think is best. I know when you get your heart broken it hurts a great deal, especially if everything happens so fast and sudden. If he just stared at you coldly and ignored you and all that, doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. Maybe his dad told him something serious that may have caused him to act the way he did when ever he saw you. He may have also been hurting inside from all that was happening. Going out with that girl may have been away of him trying to forget you, or move on since there were difficulties do to his father. And when he saw you he tried fighting his feelings 'cause giving in would only hurt more. I remember I tried surpressing my feelings once, my parents and older siblings didn't like my boyfriend since he was older than I. But I couldn't do it much longer and one day he should up out of the blue at my home and I completely broke down. Before I knew it I was in his arms crying and clinging to him apologizing over and over again about my ignoring and shunning him out of my life. But now we're together and I don't really give a damn about what anyone else thinks.
But um back to you, sorry. >.>
Well like I said it's normal and understand'ble to have thoughts and feeling about the person that hurt you and wishing that they'd hurt too. Then of course there's that part of you that doesn't mean it, since in fact you did love 'em once and any hurt they felt hurt you twice as much.
Don't feel guilty, and you're not the cause of his accident. Accidents happen, it's un avoidable, if it's going to happen it going to happen. It's ok for you to worry, to miss him, to want to talk to him and want him to be alright. You're human, we all have moments like that some point in our lives. When your friend takes you to see him try to be as suddle as possible.
He's injured and probably very week, seeing you may bring many mixtures of feelings and you don't want to overwhelm him. Be there for him as a friend and nothing else, it may be hard but it's for the best. However if he says anything to you about the past and if he apologizes or what not, by all means don't hesitate to act on your feelings. Just be sure it's what you really want.
Take him a nice gift if you'd like to help break any tention there maybe. As of what to say to him well you can't really plan these things out, but first thing first would be, "Hey, how're you feeling?" or something along those lines.
Hope I helped and good luck :)
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