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concerned about my best friend
16/f (please read, I know it's long)
I'm not trying to sound conceited when I say this, but I am a really good friend. I have helped people stop cutting and feel better about themselves. (only my close friends who tell me things) I tell them to get help and try to help them as much as I can to the best of my ability. I'm kind of like the go-to person, the one they vent to, then one they can trust.
So today, my best friend and I were talking on aim. and we were talking about how we felt we were drifting apart. we got mad at eachother at first because she accused me of judging her (when I don't, I really don't judge people, everyoneis who they are) and she wasn't acting herself. Then we got to the point in the conversation where she told me that she wasn't going to beg for me to be my friend, and I told her that I'd always be her friend, no matter what. Because she's been having a hard time lately, and has been going to the shore drinking alot and hooking up with random guys at random parites, and it's just not her.
Then she always blames everything on her ex boyfriend, how he screwed her up so much. and he did, he really messed her up, but i said she had to stop blaming him for everything, and that it's not her fault at all but that part of why she changed was because of the shore and summer. well, I guess that set her off, because she told me something that I cried when I read...
Her ex boyfriend, you would never suspect he would do this. He forced her to do stuff to him. (she never told anyone, this happened a few months ago) he told her that she didnt trust him and that she didnt find him attractive if she didnt give him a handjob. I knew that part, but I also knew that he ate her out when she told him she didnt want to. and he fingered her when she didnt want to be fingered and said so. He would get very violent with her and shove as many fingers as he could and finger her, and she tried to stop him, and tell him no but she couldn't breathe and he was bigger than her. Then she told me that one time, she was in his car and they were fighting as usual, he was telling her like, "oh i went to third for you and you won't do the same to me?" and she said, "i didn't want you to do that to me!" and he was like, "well it's been 2 or 3 months and if you loved me you would do this for me." so my friend ended up being guilted into saying she'd make it up to him by giving him a handjob. after she said that, she didnt know how it happened, but he pushed her head down to his pants and held her head there while he unzipped and he made her give him a blow job. she told me she was crying while she did it and he wouldnt stop. (i feel horrible not only because he did this to her, but because we talked about blow jobs and how id never give one ever and how she wouldnt either.. i felt bad she didnt tell me this!) so then like whenever they hung out, apparently he would just jump ontop of her and hold her down, and hump her, and shed say get off, but he wouldnt listen. and then when he was "finished" she could go home.
she told me that he told her he was gonna kill himself. she was scared. she was trapped inside a relatiosnhip with this guy. isnt that RAPE?!?! I told he to tell someone, she won't. I want her to get help, I told her she should get therapy, that i'd help her. but she said telling me helped her feel better.. but she was pretending this entire time that she's fine. but she told me she's depressed. I rpomise her I wouldn't tell anybody about this, but THIS IS RAPE. isn't it?! It is. my best friend was raped. and now all she wants is attention from guys. shes really screwed up because of this. Shes drinking because she doesn't think about her ex and what he did. I don't know what to do. please help me. I'm the ONLY ONE who knows. the only one. so what do i do?! I know I should tell someone, but who would I tell? and there's no proof he did that, so how would i be able to help? I promised her I wouldnt tell anyone, I know I should, but at the same time, she says she's not wasting her time on him. But if I was her, I would want to tell someone. I couldn't just hide that. I'm so lost. She acts like it's no big deal now.. just because it has been a few months. But it IS a big deal to ME. she's my best friend and he raped her. Well, I consider it rape. Ugh. help?
thank you all so much.
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Hey there,
ok firstly let me say how I think your a great friend,and your friend is so lucky to have you to go to and confide in and to help her through this reading that I felt awful for her nobody should have to take that from any guy!
that guy is an ultimate sleezbag he used emotional blackmail to her her to do things which in my opinion is the lowest of the low.
I can understand why shes turning to drink and guys she just wants to forget block it out and feel loved by guys. but shes doing it the complete wrong way as im sure your aware of too.
this is an extremely hard situation and its always tough to figure out whether or not you should say something or keep shut because of your friends wishes,
heres what I would do.. I would sit her down and explain to her that what he boyfriend did was really wrong (did he actually force her to have sex with him?if so then its considered rape) but if he didnt all the other stuff would be classed as sexual abuse,(if you were to go about bringing it up in court or anything like that there would be evidence if he forced that many fingers in her there would be tearing) I would tell her that she cant keep blocking it out and pretending like it isnt a big deal because deep down she knows it is..explain to her that your not trying to be a nag your just really worried drinking and getting off with randoms isnt going to help as much as she thinks it does now its only a short term solution which in the long run is only going to make things ten times worse shes allowing herself to be used by those random guys also explain to her all this tell her she needs to hold her head up high and gain back her self respect and dignity and come out of this the right way by letting you help her by telling someone,like her mom her sister or any adult figure you both can trust,she is more then likely going to object and say no way but shes still in shock..she will more then likely play the "if your really my best friend you wont tell anyone for me"
if she says that tell her she is wrong. that a good friend wouldnt sit back and watch her go through hell like that and degrade herself and go deeper into depression..tell her not to let him do that to her to get her so down and out like that and to be strong.
bottom line as much as she doesnt want you to you have to tell someone..im not going to lie if you cant get through to her with that talk her reaction isnt going to be good she will probably yell at you says things like she hates you and not speak to you for a while. that can hurt like hell but remember shes not herself and she doesnt mean it shes just worried and scared,she will thank you in the long run and realise what a great friend you are I gauruntee you. its what she needs right now. or things are only going to go from bad to worse.
hopefully you can convince her by talking to her but please i think you should tell anyway if you cant.
sorry that your in this situation and your friend but stick by her its what she needs to keep her from going off the rails completely.
I really hope I helped in anyway
best of luck to both of you &&
much <3
Jess 16/f
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Wow I am sorry to hear what happened to tour friend. I understand you are concerned for her and want to help but she isn't going to get help unless she thinks there is something wrong with what her ex did to her. From what I read it seems as though the rape-which by the way is rape because she didn't want it-has made her lose her moral standards in sex. This is very common with rape victims and I agree that she get professional help. You should go to a school counselor and tell him/her what happened and how you can help if u don't feel comfortable telling your mom or dad. A psychologist is recommended for these types of issues , so one that specializes in teens would be great for your friend. Back to her understanding that what her ex did to her is wrong. To make her realize that show her the definition of rape and find articles on the effects of rape. I'm sure she will identify with these effects and hopefully realize she needs help. Write back to me if you have more questions. Please let me if it helped and how things unfold.
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