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people with HEALTHY and HAPPY Relationships please
*sorry if it's a little long but I really gotta break it down for the best answer* ok so my guy is wonderful... let me set some stuff up for you: if he has money and I need gas in my car he will let me gas up or take me to gas up. If I want to cook a fantastic meal he will get the groceries. He takes me out to dinner and we go to the movies and stuff like that. Like right now we moved cause he got a job in Iowa and he is paying the rent until I get a job (which he should, my mom taught me that any proper man would do that) He is generally a nice person and we have fun together. but there are some big things and some little things that are making it really hard for me to have a clear mind when it comes to staying with him. ok let's do the big stuff first...So sometimes he will like spaz out...like the other day he asked me to turn off the lights (cause he had to get up for work) but I was only going to cuddle with him for litterally like 2 mins and then I was going to cut it off...he asked me like 2 times and i was like sweetie I'm only going to be a minute and then I will turn it off...he like jumped up in this flailing way, pushing me out of the way and like yanked on the light cord and looked so heated. I know he has anger stuff he is working on letting go of. Ok here is another big thing, let's say this, we're in the car and he says can you turn the radio down and I say let me just finish this song and he may not want to wait that day for whatever reason and he asks me again and i say theres like' one minute left let me finish it, he'll maybe slam off the radio and look at me with this RAGE and I'm just like what the F**K? (like shock, like is this really happening)(and I am NOTHING LIKE THAT SO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL!!!!) and then I'll say something like why are so you heated and he'll be like I'm fine, and I know he's not. Then maybe I'll change the topic and say could you roll the window up and he may respond with something like "Well, You should have worn a FUCKING SWEATER!!" And I'll just be like WOW what world am I in, cause this only happens like once a month and it's out of no where. Now we talk about that stuff and he is really working on it...here's a small thing, let's say we are supposed to share a medium drink...he will finish it all and not even stop to think oh kay hasn't had any yet...or he will defend other people over me and he doesn't even know them or know the whole story, or he will do something like today when i was sad about something he did (he didn't know what i was sad about) and he asked and i said it's girl stuff and he said you know what kay one day i am going to stop caring. Now that kind of stuff happens weekly. My thing is this, I am not the nag type...so i feel like I am already trying to work with him on the big spaz out stuff that I don't even want to bother him about things like why did you not save me some fries or why did you eat the entire sandwich except for 2 bites when you were supposed to split it with me? But that kind of stuff makes me a little sad and I just don't want to put a lot of pressure on him to be "perfect" cause that is what he is always saying "you know i'm not perfect and i'm really working on it and you should have seen me 2 years ago" and he is studying spiritual books so I know he has goals... but what do I do in the mean time to get through it? Do I just mention every little thing that bothers me? Sometimes i have felt like the only way to get through to him is to do it back but i am just so past that behavior and i feel like if i have to do that then I am not with the right person...but i feel in my heart that he is my soul mate, i just don't know how to keep it going. Sometimes I feel like I have to teach him how to be in a relationship, but he does SOOOO many things right! Like Important things. But he can be SOOOOO mean sometimes :( Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem like a victim, I don't feel like that...I feel like I have faith in what I feel he is and what he feels I am and that is each other's soul mate...cause i could leave but I really want to make it work and I know he does too, again he is really hahah he is really trying and that's what's so sad is to me it's like why in the world would you need to try so hard to be consistantly nice and considerate to someone? So I don't want to just be like Fuck you and leave after I get a job, I want to make this work for the long run...how do I deal with this? How do I pick my battles? How do I let stuff go? When does it go from letting him know when soemthing is wrong to nagging? Are my expectations too high? I don't feel like they are cause I treat him very well and he has like NOTHING to complain about...the worst he can come up with is when I am on my period I don't like to be touched and I am less patient with his BS and when he says something mean i get sad and those are literally the only 2 things about me that REALLY bother him. We have talked about it. What are you all doing out there to get through these types of things? and there's sooo many other things that I can't even get to covering with him, like more romance, because of this stuff...Thanks again and sorry for the length but I had to give some examples :)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
So... What is this important stuff he does right?
Pays the rent until you get a job?
Puts gas in the car when you're low on funds?
Dear, that's all material things, and one cannot buy happiness.
The important things are the things he's doing wrong. Go back and re-read what I just read.
Do you feel loved?
Does his actions make you feel loved?
I'm afraid he'd make me feel like eight day old dog shit that's been baking in the summer sun.
I know you want to work it out, but after 2 years, he still behaves like a man who can't control himself?
Are you sure you want to work it out?
Are you sure this behavior is something you want to put up with for the rest of your life?
Strong words of advice:
MOVE BACK HOME.
ALONE.
31/f
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ok. well, in my opinion, after 2 years if he's STILL doing these things and still claims to be "working on it" then it seems to me like he's either not trying to hard or he has something else like a serious problem going on..
i've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. around 6 months he started doing things that really hurt my feelings, like defending other people and making little jokes about me. i talked to him about it, he said he would work on it and for the most part it stopped. every so often he slips but he instantly realizes when he does and he apologizes.
as for when to choose your battles and not to nag. if its something that really hurts your feelings then he should know about it. but if its something that you just feel like saying something about then you should probably just let it go unless it has you worried.
my thinking about relationships is that whats meant to be will find its way. if you arent meant to be with this guy then something will happen to make you realize that you need to leave.
if your in a situation thats to the point where when he gets into a rage or whatever and it scares you or your scared for your safety or he hits you or anything then you deffinatley need to leave him.
my opinion is that you and him need to sit down and have a serious convorsation about everything, no yelling, no screaming. just talking. tell him exactly what you said in this question thing and tell him how it all makes you feel.. it'll all work out, dont worry :)
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It could be that he is working on it and it will improve in the near future, and you can't do that work for him, he has to do it. And you can only work on yourself and I see a couple of things that you can do to change, (since you are asking) that may help. Since right now he is supporting both of you, and has been helpful financially in the past, when he asks you something like, turn off the light, you should do it right away, to show that you appreciate what he does for you. It is not saying that he is right or wrong, it is saying that you put his comfort above your own, to show that you appreciate and love him. Isn't that sort of what he is doing when he puts gas in your tank. Now you don't have to WANT to put the light out, but do it when he asks, because he asked. You could say, "OK honey, I know you're tired, even though I was hoping to cuddle for a few minutes, but I understand and your rest is very important to me." Man, doesn't that tell him how much you love and appreciate him. Now you do that a few times and you SHOULD see a change in him for the better. And maybe an improvement on sharing things, like soda and meals. That is wrong for him to finish all of something or most of it when you agreed to share it. No way that is right.
It is true people can change for the better, but they have to want to. Being kind and loving and understanding can help. But if he doesn't change and have less anger outbursts and become less selfish, then I would say that he may not be a "keeper".
So I guess what I am saying is you improve your attitude so that your cares and thoughts are for his comfort and well being, and if he does not change the same way, in time, then you are the one who grew and matured, and he did not. So that would not make for a good long term relationship.
You will move on to someone who is less selfish.
Beleive me, when you look at elderly couples who stayed together all their lives, and are happy together.....it is because each of them had no thoughts for themselves, and every thought for the happiness of their partner. Maybe it sounds weird, but it works. To some people it just comes natural. others learn the hard way, after they have been left alone too many times.
I hope you two can work it out. Good luck to both of you.
- Michele
8/23/3009
Thanks for your resonse and for the great feedback. I agree with you, now that I know more of the story. And I beleive that you do want to be in a healthy relationship, and it seems that you do know what a healthy relationship should be like.
With more detail, he sounds immature and impulsive and when his decision don't go right, he takes things out on you. And you have been patient long enough.
He won't be easy to leave, it won't want you to, but I think you are strong enough. If you can go back home, then that is what I would do. Look for a man with the same morals and values and attitude that you have. I apologize for being off base before and again, your patience and understand shows through. You'll do OK becuase I believe that you will learn from this relationship. You'll learn how to make the next one better (by choosing a better partner) I feel back for you stick in Idaho. I hope that you make it back home and start over.
Good luck to you dear.
- Michele
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I've been married for 10 years to an absolutely stand-up, wonderful guy. Our relationship is healthy and happy, so I think I meet your qualifications to answer this question. You sound like you really love this man. But honey, love isn't angry. I realize that you're only giving us the bad stuff here. It IS an advice site, of course, but even the small snippet of your life you've revealed here gives me cause for alarm. You admitted that he has anger issues. It also sounds to me like he has CONTROL issues. Does he monitor where and when you go out? Does he ask you to spend less time with friends? Does he get angry and sulky when you want to spend time w/o him somewhere or with someone? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you've got a problem. Control issues plus anger issues is a RED FLAG! Red flag! I can't say it enough. The good news is, men like that can change. With professional help they can work through their issues and become better men. The bad news is, it almost never happens while their in a relationship. I think its because romantic relationships can trigger so much stress and feelings of insecurity, they end up acting out. Its important to know that you can't change him. You don't have that power. As much as you love him, as much as he loves you, as often as he tells you he wants to change for you, you can't do it. If you think you can you'll be in for more heartache. I know you don't want to hear this, but I believe if you want a future with this man, you need to leave him. He needs time and space to work out his issues. He also needs professional help, not the kind for crazy people, but the kind for people who have had a hard life and need an objective outsider to help them process it all. You can be a support, but living with him will only end up hurting you and him. My husband would NEVER speak to me the way your boyfriend speaks to you. Under ANY circumstances, and other happy couple I know would say the same. There are some things you just don't do if you're married. Get out while you still can. This man shows all the classic signs of an abuser. Maybe not physically, but at least emotionally, and that's not fair to you, or him. Good luck.
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