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It's been four years, and now I feel like he doesn't belong in my life
21/f. He's 24/m. We've have been involved for four years. REALLY long story short, it's been a rough road for us. He used to be emotionally abusive, but he made a conscious decision to change. I agreed to let the past go, and forgive him. It was great for a long time, and despite his family hating me, we were happy.
Recently, I got a job in my field. Instead of being happy for me when I told him about the pay, he said, "That's it? You should turn it down."
Now when I try to tell him funny stories about work, he says "sweet" with no inflection, and changes the subject. He makes a point of letting me know I'm "not funny" when I try to joke around, or he thinks I'm serious when I'm not. He suddenly doesn't understand me anymore.
It's become increasingly obvious to me that he doesn't care. About anything, including himself. He's studying for the MCAT, and it's all he CLAIMS he ever does. I have absolutely no objection to him studying, and I'd be happy he was doing it if it was really what he wanted. Instead, he's doing it to appease his parents, and I hate him for it. He doesn't have the balls to stand up to them and say he doesn't want to do it. Of course, he doesn't know what he wants to do anyway.
I've lost respect for him, I'm becoming less attracted to him. He's starting to say little nasty things to me, and I just don't want to put up with it.
I think he just doesn't belong in my life anymore...but how do I tell him? In person, I know, but I have to get him to stop "studying" long enough for me to say something. How do I do THAT when I never see him?
Should I give him a chance to redeem himself?
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I agree; it does sound like he hasnt changed at all.
Its hard to let someone go that you have been with for so long and gone through so much with;
but theres a point where you relize that you need to do whats best for you. And i believe that if you follow this road that youve been taking for four years; its going to lead you to a dead end.
You need to let him go and you need to go and do your thing. You need a better man that will treat you with the respect that you really do deserve.
Just tell him everything thats been going on. But sit him down. And talk to him about. and say lets take a break for a little while. and then when we both think one another has changed; we will talk.(:
good luck.
-sidney
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Doesn't sound like he has changed that much, I hate to say it but people who have a history of verbal/physcial abuse don't always change and the chances are slim unless they seek professional help. The whole job thing sounds like he is not happy for you and doesn't wish you success. It is not right of him to be putting you down he is your boyfriend and he should be happy and supportive of you. I don't blame you for have little respect for this guy I would be the exact same way. It sounds like this guy needs to take a hike you deserve so much better. You have done something for you and all he can do is step all over it and shrug his shoulders. If you do not think he doesn't belong in your life anymore than you need to tell him and DON'T let him try the sympathy story. Here is an example you could use "I've given it a lot of thought lately, I am not happy in this relationship anymore you have said nasty things too me and you don't seem to be supportive and understanding I also feel you don't respect me in the way I should be respected I think we need to go our seperate ways therefore I no longer wish to be in a relationship with you" That is pretty straight foward and honest and he should get the point. I do NOT think you should give this guy another chance this is already his 2nd chance and he has made it pretty clear that he is not going to change his ways. If you stay with him and keep giving him chances you are only in the long run going to drain yourself out and become stress. You deserve better than that
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I also wanted to say, Anything is possible to overcome. I am also a victim of an abusive relationship only mine was both verbal and physical. I found it really helped me to use all the things that he said and did to me that upset, hurt or angered me. Whenever I had my doubts about leaving I made myself think of all the times I was crying and heart broken I dwelled on it too move forward and do what was best for me. In the long run, I'm free now and I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. Family and friends will be your support along the way.
Hugs
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im sorry you are having to go through this.
While his behavior is COMPLETELY unacceptable, it could stem from internal stress he has built up. If you think about it, he is studying for one of the HARDEST and most important tests in his life. I know hes acting horribly, but if hes doing it to please his parents or NOT, a good girlfriend would support him in all he does no matter what.
Its strange because when MY BF and I were together, the 4 year mark was horrible for us. we were very nasty towards eachother, he was stressed all the time, and so was I. We even lived together so it was tough. One day we were in the living room and we got into a stupid little fight he said "im done." and I said, "well me too."
I spent about 2 weeks hanging out with other guys, trying to see if I had wasted too much of my life on 1 person without playing the field.
I went out with 4 or 5 guys, and never really found that great of a guy. Spending that time away from my BF made me realize that there arent that many guys like him, and how much I really loved him. We were letting stress come between us and it almost ended us forever.
once i realized this, I sat down with him, and had a very serious talk. I told him what I realized and I apologized for alot. He felt the same and he apologized for letting other things distract him from the relationship.
We got back together and have been together ever since. we talked about our needs and what our expectations were for eachother.
now we are the happiest we've ever been, we have been together for over 5 yrs now, and are getting married in December.
If you really want to make things work talk to him. You will be suprised what he might say, and you might not realize whats causing his behavior until he tells you.
You have invested 4 yrs of your life with him, if there is any way to make it work out, you should try. Good luck, and let me know if you need anything. email me anytime.
stephanie.ellick@gmail.com
steph 21 =]
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Little nasty things, sounds to me like he is becoming insecure about the strength of your relationship so is trying to distance himself from you before you can do the same to him,i.e. dump him. From what you have said,it seems he has good reason to think you're relationship is getting weaker.
I think you have to decide for yourself whether you should go out with him again. Since you're finding it difficult though, try considering these for a start;
1) Is this pattern of his likely to continue repeating itself?
2) Have you done anything to provoke this, been flirtacious with other guys etc etc that would make him feel confused by the relationship in anyway?
3) Can you deal with the consequences if the same all happens again?
4)If you swapped positions and you knew that he thought all this about you, what would you want him to do. For example would you like him to give you another chance? or give him an oppotunity to say what you really thought? and if that is what you would want, how would you like this opportunity to be presented etc etc
5)How would you advise someone in you're situation? To do this you really need to take a step back to emotionally detatch yourself, tough but helpful.
Hopefully some of them will make you think about what you really want. However to return to my original point,if you do decide to let him redeem himself, you need to make it clear that he need not have any insecurities from the very start, to prevent the same situation occuring again. If you do chose to tell him you've had enough,blunt and straight forward is always the best way and if you still have bad feelings towards him,don't show them, a anger free break up means its less likely to be one that has lasting effects or problems.
Good Luck with you decision
Mike x
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Well, okay, in response...to your response (if that makes sense ) I would say that you should never do anything that you think is going to make you unhappy, at least in the long term. What I mean is, if you see him eventually turning things around, (which doesn't seem likely since he's done the same before,but if you do) then only then you should give him another chance, because if not, theres no point in getting yourself caught up in something that makes you so unhappy, requires so much effort and so isn't going to produce anything positive ever. So if it was me I would end the relationship.
As for how to tell him and when to fit it in,give him a call or a text and say you want to meet him and you've got somrthing to important discuss, and if he says no, then he's obviously not interested in whats important to you and i would just reply in the most stright forward way that its over, because then at least you've tried to be more civilised about it and its his fault that you have to tell him over the phone.
Hope this was more helpful =)
Mike
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