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Who is right, and who is wrong?
Here's the story in a nutshell. I have a sister, brother-in-law and niece (8)/nephew (11). I have a husband and two sons, 4 and 8. My sister has had trouble with her oldest son. He was diagnosed with a learning disability and OCD, and is on low-dose med and moved into a special school system for more one-on-one teaching. I have had a couple occurences with him, when he has been visiting, one of children has been injured. Few months ago, my older son was on a trampoline with him. They were throwing balls on the trampoline (soft squishy balloon-type balls) and my son had hit him with one. My nephew has taken Mixed Martial Arts classes and put my son in a "lock" where he twisted his arm behind his back. My son's arm was swollen. We let that go and figured his parents would deal with him. My brother-in-law merely told him to apologize and stated that he did it because my son hit him with the ball. Next occurence, at my home. Children are all playing downstairs. My youngest son (4) comes up crying with a bleeding lip. I was told by the others that my nephew was wrestling with my 4 year old and threw him into the couch and he hurt his lip. Last occurence, all children are playing video games, my sons vs. my niece,nephew. My sons beat them and my nephew stated he would "kick the crap out of him". He gave a kick to my older son's shoulder, then my little guy charged at my nephew to stop him, but my nephew threw him into the wall. He then got my older son in a "headlock" where he lifted him up off the ground choking him. When his sister ran upstairs, he let him go and came up screaming, "he did nothing wrong". My husband, then BLEW UP!!! He kicked my kitchen garbage can and started screaming, "This kid is an F---ing animal, and he's gonna kill someone some day!" My sister and brother-in-law were immediately offended by my husband's outburst and have turned on us. They somehow twisted the story around to my other two sisters and painted a picture that my husband is an "out of control maniac" and a danger to be in the house with??? She told my other family members that my son was taunting her son and called him a "loser" for losing the game, and that's when he went after him. I know this isn't the story, as my older son, as well as my niece gave me the story as it happened, and their stories matched. I originally was made at my husband, once I made sure my son was ok, and could breathe, but as the day went on I became irate over the stories I was hearing about how my husband was so wrong. My family does not believe that my nephew would ever truly harm my son. I think otherwise. I know my son did not tease him, it's totally out of his character, my little one may have, but does that still justify trying to choke my older boy??? My family thinks I am completely over-reacting, and my husband is the wrong one for blowing up on a child. Please advise!
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Your husband reacted very badly and he's the adult. So he needs to take responsibility for that. He should apologize to all involved for loosing his temper, especially if it was in front of small children. Think of this way: Your husband's example could easily encourage your nephew, and your own children, to think of yelling and kicking as okay ways to deal with anger. As a responsible adult, he owes it to his kids to set the difficult example and to apologize to everyone and admit that Daddy made a mistake.
As for your nephew: If you feel he is not to be trusted with your children, that's on you. You don't have to convince your sister or brother-in-law, all you have to do is:
One. Tell them what you believe. (You have already done this. You don't need to again.)
Two. Keep your children safe.
If keeping your children safe means that their cousins are not invited over as often, that's fine. If it means that you need have them play some place where there is constant supervision, that's fine too. If it means they aren't welcome in your home at all, that's a bit extreme and should be a last option, but if that's what you need to do, do it.
Your children's safety is up to you and your husband. So you two can sit down together and decide what you need to do to ensure it. Then, without blaming or arguing, set out your new rules for dealing with your nephew and his family. Take responsibility for these new rules, don't blame it on the nephew's behavior just say “As parents, we feel like this is the best arrangement for OUR kids.”
Those are the two things you need to do, to be respectful adults, to set a good example for all the kids, and too keep peace in the family. I know it doesn't sound easy, or fun, but it would be the right way to respond.
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i think your both at wrong, i mean your husband really should have tried to control his anger instead of bursting out at a child. Your sister is also in the wrong for making up things and trying to act like nothing is wrong with her son when there obviously is, sounds like he needs some one on one therapy, i would try sitting down and talking the four of you and try to come up with a solution in an adult manner, no yelling, and no blaming. Theres nothing you can do about the past, as hard as it is.. let it go all you can do now is concentrate on how to not let this problem happen again. Maybe when the children are playing.. watch them to see what happens.. have your sister stay there a couple times and have you BOTH watch them.. so maybe so will see the problem to. every kid i have met so far that takes martial arts has some kind of anger problem i can name 5 kids that i know personally who act like this from martial arts. He definitely needs some discipline that will work. Try to see it from another point of view as well as your own.. your sister is only believing what her child is saying thats natural even in this case were its not the truth.. i say you all need to find some guidance maybe a family therapist? im not quite sure.
hope everything works out.
goodluck.
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Well first off thats kids nuts. What you should do is say sorry to your sister and then have the kids play without you around. All the while have your camera or camcorder and record him. Then your sister will see the truth. Hope this helps let me kno if it does in my feedback! Xoxo, Farrah Gonzalez
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