My boyfriend and i have been dating 9 months, we dated for 4 months about 2 years ago and then got back together. We only have problems when my boyfriend has these little "freak outs" he keeps everything inside until he just randomly ut of know where freaks out and goes off the wall, its horrible he always directs it at me, he would NEVER hit me or anything like that but he has put holes in the wall and he calls me names and stuff his last one was over the weekend and they usually last about an hour and then he brakes down and starts crying and says how he loves me more than anything and i don't deserve this and i can tell he really is sorry. He had a horrible child hood and life, he's 19 and his whole life has been horrible he has drug addict parents how fight and hit him and.. i don't want to leave him, i just want to know what i can do when he has these freak outs? like what can i say? i don't want to just leave him i want to fix the problem i want him not to think im going to leave him, when he freaks out he always says that i dont love him, nobody does and its just an act, when in reality i love him more than anything and i dont know how to prove that to him since everyone in his life has abandoned him pretty much. What can i do?
WittyUsernameHere answered Tuesday July 28 2009, 4:59 am: Your boyfriend needs therapy.
Seriously, learning to deal with shit in a healthy way is part of growing up, but when your life has been ten kinds of fucked its hard to learn to deal with it the way most people deal with their every day shit.
Its a defensive reaction, he withdraws and freaks out because he's been hurt alot in the past and deep down somewhere its very difficult for him to believe that anything is, can be, or ever will be better than it has been.
I know a bit about scars on the inside, they're tough to deal with, but worse they're tough to see past. When you have something its natural to be afraid of losing it, but what he's doing is freaking out because he has something and its easier to believe that he doesn't have anything than to believe that theres something in his life he could lose. Its safer, if you have nothing no one can take anything away from you.
A few suggestions
- Figure out some safe phrases. Talk to him about the fact that you need a way to talk to him when he gets like that, a way to snap him out of it or get him to sit down and calm down without having his freak outs focused on you.
- Talk to him about getting therapy. Its actually alot cheaper and easier to find than you'd think, alot of places have a sliding scale that will charge less if you're broke and need help. Get on google and do some searching for him.
- Sit him down and talk to him about acceptable behavior. Don't talk about leaving or anything, just let him know that he has to control himself better and he has to work on stopping himself and asking himself why he's doing what he's doing.
Its not that he disbelieves you in general, its more that because of his past he feels very insecure and his freak outs are his way of staying safe. If you leave, then he's right and he was safe because he "knew it all along". If you don't leave, then he knows you really do care and he feels safe for a while because if you didn't boot him for the way he just acted then you probably won't boot him in the future.
BahaiMa22 answered Tuesday July 28 2009, 12:19 am: You need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious talk, Relationship is about communication. I can almost promise you that in the long run no relationship is going to work out if there is no communication. Tell him that you really care about him and that you are there to listen to him when he needs to talk. Sometimes all people need is a little reassuring. It sounds like the guy has a lot on his mind right now if you love him then let him know that and sit him down and let him spill it all out. When he is done talking, Then talk about what you could possibly do to fix the problem etc. also let him know that you love and care for him and that you are always there and give the guy a damn hug. ;) [ BahaiMa22's advice column | Ask BahaiMa22 A Question ]
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