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Marriage, Health, and Financial Problems
Hello,
Earlier this year my husband's physician recommended that he stop working and go on disability. I am blessed to have a work from home position that is stable and I make $42,000 a year. We have two very young children, and I am 33yrs old. My husband is 11 yrs my senior. In the past we have tried to get life insurance and disablility insurance for him but no one will touch him. In a nut shell, my husband has quit his $55,000yr job and is tryin to make preparations for us to leave the state where we are currently to somewhere cheaper. Sounds like the solution...... except for a few important things. The heart condition my husband has can render him an invalid or worse sudden death. The place he has decided to move does not provide a support system for him if he gets sick, or me if I need help with the children due to his hospitalizations. His twin brother has the same condition so I know how bad it can get. A "house" was provided for us but it will cost nearly $10,000 to make it habitable. I am the only one working and we have limited savings. THe move alone will cost us $3000. I am pissed that my husband made this decision and expects me to be the MAN but he still wants to make all the decsions. Besides, I don't want to leave our home and support system but without him working I cant afford to maintain our home on my income alone. I thought the man I married was the kind that would take care of us no matter what and I have found out that he isn't. He told me that he does not want to work untill he gets sick and I feel like under the circumstances he does not have the luxury to stop. If he does our children will be at risk. Poor neighborhood, bad school system, as well as a mother who is bitter and resentful of their father. I don't know what i should do - My parents have offered that we move in with them but for me, it means ultimately - divorcing my husband because he refused to sacrifice for his family. He accused me of wanting him to work until he dies, and truthfully speaking I think he should work untill he gets sick or they fire him because he cant do it anymore for the sake of the children. (that is what we are supposed to do) I love my husband and I don't want my children to be without him but under this stress and pressure I feel I should leave and start over for the well being of my children and myself.
He does not know I am having the feeling about divorce because I truly dont want that to happen I truly do not know what to do...............
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Husbands. I hate to see any marriage end in divorce, but sometimes men just don't get it.
Do what is best for you and your children. If your husband is out of touch with reality, you need to step up and take control.
If he is a control freak and can't compromise, leave him.
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A doctor will not recommend a person stop working unless it is absolutely necessary for the health of that person. When a man who is used to working, suddenly stops, it can cause its own problems with depression and the like. So if his doctor is recommending it, don't question it or put this all on your husband.
To get on disability, your husband needs the docs recommendation and he will be be fighting for it for YEARS. It unfortunately does not come quick and usually requires a lawyers help to get it. Even then we are talking a few years time spent with doctors (theirs), and paperwork.
I understand the thought of suddenly becoming the sole breadwinner is a scary one. You would be in the same situation divorced or not. Decisions to move etc, should still be something you discuss and decide together. Do it. Get loud about it if you have to, just let him know how you feel.
If you can no longer afford the home you live in, you will need to find a cheaper place. It doesn't have to be far from where you are now. I don't recommend moving in with parents. That usually causes problems regardless of good intentions.
Take a minute and try to understand your husbands feelings. His doctor, who knows about his health is recommending he quit working. His wife thinks he should work until he drops. Not hard to understand why he feels the way he does! Kids are very adaptable. They can get by on very little if need be. Do not use them as an excuse. You are the one who is having a problem with this whole thing. Its understandable that you do. See if his doctor will talk to you about all this and get some help in dealing with it all. Let your husband know your feelings. Talk.
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Hi honey,
I feel bad for you, this is a lot of weight on your shoulders and it must not seem fair. But life is not fair.
I am on your side though. Right now YOU are the only source of income. You need to keep that job. The kids need to stay in the home and schools that they have for stability. The kids have to come first. Your husband is being very selfish. He isn't the only person who has been given bad news about his health. He is just the only person who is thinking only of himself. He would be much happier in the long run if he made the sacrifice. But enough of that. He needs to apply so social security disability. It will take a long time and they always turn you down the first year, but he could end up winning and that will be a source of income for you. You need to keep you job. DO you have health insurance? If so there is another good reason to keep you job.
THe other thing you need to look into is the make homes affordable federal act. DO you own your home? if so, then qualifying for this program will lower your mortgage payments for you.
go to www.makinghomeaffordable.gov There is an application there, see if you qualify.
I think if he can refuse to do things, then so can you. This is america, you have rights. REfuse to move. Don't ask for a divorce, just refuse to move and see what he does. How can he manage without you. Don't expose your kids to his miserable mother. Stand up for what is best for the kids. I know it will be hard at first, but in the end he will see that it was the right thing to do.
You can manage. I left my miserable lazy husband, (didn't even have the excuse of being sick) when my kids were 1 and 5. They are now 19 and 23. I made it on my own. And i didn't even make close to 42K when I left him. It is too bad that he is sick. It is no ones fault, but moving to where you don't have the support you need and the financial stability will just make things worse. He just wants to feel sorry for himself. He needs to suck it up.
Here is one other thing, not to bring up bad news. but if he passes on, you will be eligible for social security for the children. That is always the case when a parent dies before the kids are 18 years of age. So that may be some comfort in the future.
And here is one very important point. There is NO WHERE cheaper today. The economy sucks everywhere. That home that has been offered to you does not sound like a bargain. Tell him to go on ahead and fix the place up for you guys and you'll follow. He'll be back in no time.
YOu have to be strong here, because he is not being strong. And by strong that does not mean to feel sorry for him. Sure you can say that it is such a terrible thing to be struck down with poor health, but you have to think of the kids and the future and what is best because he is not thinking straight. I hope you can pull this off. the first step is the hardest. But you sound smart and level headed. You should act on your instincts.
Good luck to you
Michele
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hey,
I know how stressful this can be, my parents were in the same situaton before.
Firstly, try not to resent your husband. If the doctor told him he shouldnt work at that job anymore, then that is important. Doctors go to school for many years and know the capabilities of the human body. (This was something my mother struggled with, resenting my father)
JUST because the doctor told him he couldnt work there anymore, DOESNT mean that he cant get an EASY job. I know many people who were disabled who got jobs at call centers and are doing very well.
talk to your husband. Try to see his side of things. (I dont know what kind of job he had, but you make it sound like he worked a very physically demanding job.) Understand that if you had something happen to you, you would want his support.
Also, for the childrens sake, please do not divorce him. You say you want him to "sacrifice for his family) but what if he DID DIE? That would be the ultimate sacrifice and where would you be afterwards? ALone with 2 kids to raise and houshold to withhold alone.
I dont know where you live, but here in Southern Texas living costs are pretty decent.
I understand the pressures that you are feeling too, but work together. It may be smart for you guys to sacrifice "together" rather than place the weight of blame on a sick mans shoulders. Move to a place thats cheaper to live. There ARE places in the US that have decent living costs AND decent school systems. CHEAP does not = Ghetto or dangerous. its just going to take some research.
there are several things he could do to bring in extra income, the weight of the world doesnt have to be on you. Dont divorce him just to get away from the stress. Tough times is God's way of testing marriage. For richer or poorer...right?
He may not show it, but he definetly does not want to be alone, what if he gets really sick and you are gone? there goes his support system and his motivation. If he doesnt have you and the kids, what does he have to live for? Nothing.
Show that you are a strong woman and stick with him through this. You need to grab this problem firmly and handle it together. have a "do what I got to do" attitude and everything will be OK. If that means moving into a nice big apartment or condo thats cheaper than your mortgage, then so be it. Like I said, sacrifice is going to be necessary from everyone.
My parents ended up divorcing and it was the worst and most painful thing that me and my little brother ever went through, and in the end, the divorce solved NOTHING. Instead of my parents struggling TOGETHER, they are now struggling seperately and alone.
There are nice 3 bedroom homes here in the Houston area of texas for 1000/month. You just have to look.
if you have any questions, or could use some more support, I would be happy to take any emails from you. I would like to be your support system if you let me. email me anytime, i check it everyday.
Stephanie.ellick@gmail.com
:-)
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