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humorist-workshop
the absolute worst breakup ive had in a while.
my boyfriend of 6 1/2 months broke it off today. i guess we're both the problem in the relationship somewhat, we've broken up a few times in the past. one thing wrong with me is im a very moody person. one day ill be totally fine. and then ill get depressed after awhile,..and then my boyfriend will annoy me and ill get really bitchy. he told me today he was sick of all my bullshit, and i knew he was referring to my on and off moodiness. i got pissed at him and the argument got way heated. we were screaming at eachother and i even kind of jumped on him? like i guess i was trying to hurt him or something, i dont really know what i was doing. and i made the mistake of doing that in front of his mom -.-'' so obviously, im the main point of this while breakup. i dont really know how things are going to work out for us, and if they do eventually pass and we become friends in the long run, ill be way lucky.
i just want to know how to not fuck up another relationship. im 16 and ive had 11 failed relationships. i hate dating around, and want to find one guy to spend my life with, and obviously thats not working out. how do i hide my emotions? how do i control my anger? how can i stay cool even when im a total emotional wreck on the inside?
can someone help me?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Ok.
First off, you won't find someone to spend your life with at 16.
Think back to 12. What were you like then? How did you see the world? How stupid do some of the things you thought then seem now to you at 16?
Now think about 20. Think about what you'll be like then, how stupid some of the things you think now will seem with another 4 years.
Bottom line there, you will not be the same person in 4 years. You won't be the same person 4 years after that. Change accelerates around 12-13 and slows down again in your early to mid 20s.
Similarly, any guy you date now won't be the same person in 4 years, in 8 years.
Not exactly a recipe for longevity.
The good news is, you're on the right track. Relationships haven't been working, you want to fix that.
You have an anger management problem. You should seriously consider looking into an anger management therapy group or counselor.
As to the emotional wreck part, you probably need to be single for a while.
Consider seeing a therapist, they are the best next step in figuring everything out. Anger problems are hard to deal with, but what it comes down to is will. The recognition of how bad you can be and the refusal to indulge that side of yourself.
A random trick. When I'm pissed off I try to find a way to break the thought process. Often times we cycle ourselves, you think about things that piss you off, which makes you more pissed off, which makes you think of more things that piss you off. Building towards an inevitable explosion.
If you head yourself off at the pass, you can break that cycle and regain control. It takes practice and effort and attention.
Walking out of the room can be effective. The caveat, is if you walk out of the room you need to be able to communicate what you're doing and that you are coming back. If you just walk, it can make things worse. If you can grit your teeth and say "I need to collect myself, I will be back in a minute" and then walk, you can give both of you some breathing room and return rationally.
Mental exercises are also effective. Ever heard of meditation?
Find a quiet spot where you won't be disturbed. You're going for absolute silence, if you can't get that you need a background noise that will drown everything else out (like a floor fan or something).
Sit somewhere, I prefer the floor, in the middle of your bed would work equally well.
Now, the goal here is mental relaxation. I said sit on the floor or in the middle of your bed because you want to force your mind to be what is relaxed, if you have a relaxing physical sensation to focus on (like your back resting against the couch or headboard) it can distract you from what you're doing.
Once you're situated, start with breathing exercises. Focus on slowing your breathing and deepening your breaths. You want to be breathing at the same, steady, relaxed rate. You might find that you can feel your heart beating more slowly if you concentrate, you can actually consciously lower your heart rate through exercises like this.
When you are breathing steady and physically relaxed, focus on nothing.
Confusing concept, right? You want to clear your mind of all thought, all emotion. Your goal is utter calm uninterrupted by outside thoughts. This is where the background noise can come in handy, a steady unchanging sound can help you keep a focus that you can translate to a steady, unchanging mind. Closing your eyes can definitely help, the fewer senses you're using the better.
Whats the point of all this?
You might have heard the term "go to your happy place" before. What that term comes from is a mental exercise that involves creating a mental picture of somewhere you feel at peace, and then falling back into that picture when your emotions run high. Instead of focusing on anger and what makes you angry, you focus on positive feelings by focusing on something completely unrelated to whats going on.
I find the "happy place" method less effective, because it doesn't get rid of emotion, it just redirects it. When I'm angry, I try to take a second and go back to that meditative place, after doing it for a while you can almost feel that place in the back of your head, waiting for you. You can sink into it for a few seconds to clear your mind and calm yourself.
Give it a try, see what you come up with.
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I'm sorry about your break up, here's some help:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
From there:
I have found, firsthand, that the best way to get over a guy is to do the following:
Step 1: Have a really good cry.
- When my boyfriend and I broke up, I was super upset (like words cannot describe how bad I felt). But I told myself that I wasn't going to let it flip my entire world upside down. So I let myself have one really good cry, and then I told myself I'm going to start moving on. Which brings me to...
Step 2: Friends = lifesavers.
- Go to the mall and buy yourself something nice (don't over spend, though. Just something small, but nice. Like a new outfit or purse!) Or go see a movie, or out to dinner or something! Don't mope around your house all day doing nothing.
Step 3: Talk about it.
- It feels SO good to let it all out. Sit down with somebody you trust (for me, it was my mom) and just spill your heart out. Again, don't let it ruin your life or impact you too much.
Step 4: Move ON!
- Stop talking to him for a while (you need to give yourself time to get OVER him). Don't stalk his Facebook, spend time with other people, and don't even waste time TALKING about him.
Honestly, it's going to take time, and it's going to be hard, but once you get over him you will feel SO much better. I promise you that this guy is NOT worth wasting all of your time on, and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Go out and find a new guy that treats you right and is WORTH your time. Forget about this guy ASAP. You're young and have plenty of time for guys. And, as one of my favorite books puts it: The first boy is always the hardest.
On another note, I think you should take some time off from relationships. Just give yourself a break from all the stress and heart ache for a while.
Best of luck! :)
-Laura (17-f)
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Okay, you're 16! You're looking for a guy to spend the rest of your life with? A very very small percentage of people find the person they're going to marry or be with forever at 16, or 17, or 18! I know this might not be the answer you're looking for, but it might be the advice you really need. You sound very mature and that is always a great thing. 11 failed relationships at 16 is normal, because at 16 we're still developing and feeling out what kind of guy/girl we like. We see what's out there and our likes/dislikes in partners. There's no need to be bummed that you have all those failed relationships because you're 16, not 36. You have sooooo much time to find the right person. You will have more failed relationships (not necessarily your fault!) because that's what happens in love & life. Emotions, anger, moodiness, hormones, etc. is at an all time high during teenage years. It's normal you're feeling all those things, but they will get better with time and age. Don't hide emotions or anger, it's who you are at this point and how you feel. I hope you realize that you have your whole life to find someone, someone that will understand you and appreciate you, possibly your soulmate. Just relax and take it easy, don't pressure yourself. Love takes time and it's worth the wait.
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