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Decision
I've been with my boyfriend for about seven months but we were close friends before that. Our relationship has never been plain sailing and we have had countless problems and arguments, even briefly splitting up once or twice. Recently it's just got to the point where we're barely together. We rarely see each other, when we speak on the phone we just argue. Neither of us know what we want, we've said 'I love you' to each other but I don't feel like that anymore.
I keep thinking about my ex and how happy I was with him, we split up over a year ago but I know I'm just thinking like that because I'm not happy with my current boyfriend.
I know it sounds obvious that we should just split up, but everytime I try and do it something stops me. I've been diagnosed with Depression and I'm scared of being alone, as my boyfriend is my rock. As I said, we were very good friends before and confided in each other alot. I know it would be selfish to expect him to stay friends with me if I were to break up with him. I know he cares about and loves me and I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish for not making a decision but I just can't bring myself to do it. We've tried going on breaks and things still aren't working. What should I do?
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You have been given some good advice, don't know if I can add anything worthwhile, but I will try!
It is possible you were meant to be just friends. Now that you have become boyfriend/girlfriend it is hard to step away from each other. You know the relationship can never go back to the way it was. You don't want to lose that bond and its scary to think you might. Neither wants to hurt the other or be the ONE to actually say its over. But it kinda is. Am I close?
Something that stands out for me is that you "rarely see each other". Why is that? School? Distance can cause people to grow apart too. And then to argue when you do speak on the phone is not a good sign.
All that being said, it may be time for you to really end the boyfriend/girlfriend part of the relationship FOR NOW. You can still be friends, it won't be exactly the same, but it is possible.
It could just be simply that neither of you want to give up that friends part of the relationship. So, you just keep plugging along as boyfriend/girlfriend for fear of losing that bond.
Talk about that.
Thinking you could still be friends is not selfish. It happens all the time. It may take a couple of months of no or very little contact to get to that point, but it can happen. Probably after you've both moved on.
Since you are probably on meds for your depression, is this relationship or feelings about it, the only thing you are still having a big time problem with? Have other things improved?
If so a break might be the best thing for now.
Remember breaking up with that first boyfriend? How hard it was? But you survived and made it through> Same with this one. It takes time.
After all that, You never know what the future holds. Time is a great healer. You could both decide you want to be together again.
I sure wish I could tell you exactly what to do.
All we can really do is give you some things to think about.
I do like the other advice you were given. You have some thinking to do! Either way, I wish you luck. You know where to find me if needed. Best of luck sweetie. :)
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First, you're not being selfish. You're depressed, and afraid to be alone. It makes sense that it would be difficult for you to end your relationship when your boyfriend is your rock.
The question is whether or not the good outweighs the bad. No relationship is perfect, but relationships don't have to be painful, either.
Stalemates happen when couples stop listening to each other. You haven't mentioned anything in this post about his views on the matter, only that you two fight every time you talk on the phone. I can understand that you'd be afraid to deal with your problems on your own, and that you don't want to hurt him, but are either of you happy right now?
When one person isn't happy, a relationship doesn't work. In marriages, this problem usually results in couples' counseling. (In the future, please include your age for relationship questions. It changes things a little.)
If all you two do is fight, do you think he's happy? You two were such close friends - maybe he hasn't ended things with you because he doesn't want to leave you alone, but I think you two need to sit down and discuss this like the adults you seem to be (you type very well, I can only assume you're over fifteen). It's possible also that he's waiting for things to get better. Maybe he's convinced that you're both having trouble because you're depressed. Any psychological problem can take a major toll on a relationship.
I don't necessarily think it's obvious that split-up is in order, but maybe some form of counseling for the two of you is something to consider.
But first, you need to figure out what you want. If you could snap your fingers and have it work out exactly the way you wanted, what would happen? Would you be alone and happy? Would you be happy with him? I suggest you take the time that you aren't seeing each other to freewrite a little and see what conclusions you come to. The catch is you have to be completely honest with yourself. But the good thing is, the paper will never judge you. Don't worry about being selfish, about hurting anyone else, just worry about YOU.
But you also have to consider the fact that sometimes relationships just don't work, for any number of reasons. If it isn't meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. It's something you'll have to come to accept, and only you can help yourself do that.
But the reality is that depressed or not, you need to do what you need to do to help yourself. Staying in relationship hell when you're depressed certainly won't help you - or him, for that matter. Everyone is entitled to happiness. There's no reason to stay in a situation that forces you not to be. None.
So to answer your question "What should I do?" Before you do anything else, take some you time. Really consider all the possibilities. You said you were diagnosed with depression - you must have a psychiatrist or psychologist, SOMEONE you can talk to. Talk to him/her, if talking helps. If writing helps, do that. If drawing helps, do that. Do anything you need to figure out what it is that YOU want, boyfriend aside. Take a step back and figure out what steps you need to take to bring happiness back into your life.
You can always IM me if you want a nonjudgmental person to vent to, instead of a piece of paper (SirenCytherea on AIM). I'm on line all the time - just make sure you IM me more than once so I don't think you're spam.
If I don't hear from you, I wish you all the luck and love in the world.
Siren
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There is always something left to say, its up to you to find it.
My girl and I are 4.5 years deep. We've broken up, we've had times when neither of us wanted to be around the other. Screaming fights and all sorts of unpleasantness.
Find something to say or end it. You're at the point where you both need to decide. Not figure it out, decide. Do you want to make this work?
If so, sit down and start a new conversation. "We want to be together, how do we stop jumping all over each other?"
Lastly, a tip and truth of relationships. Confession, apology, and forgiveness are the tools friends use to break down barriers. Same goes for those dating each other.
If you want to make this work, go up to him and lay it out on the table. "I love you, I'm sick of fighting with you, I want to be with you, can we just sit down with each other and promise not to let ourselves yell?"
The only thing you have to do is not stop talking. If you have nothing else to say, the relationship is over. But as stated, theres always something else to say, having no words is a choice in and of itself, because they will always be there if you look for them.
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I think you should talk to him about this. You never know he may feel the same way, but you'll never know if you guys don't talk about these sorts of things. I know if you both put everything into the relationship, you guys could be good again. You just can't let little things ruin so much. The arguing can stop for a fact. Just whenever you guys do start to argue, be the bigger person & try & stop it from happening. The fighting won't get you guys anywhere. & if you really feel like you can't be with him, then don't. You can't force yourself into something that you don't want, just b/c it will effect the other person. Yes, you're probably going to hurt him, but it's better than being with him but really not even caring about the relationship.
You have two choices, either talk to him about it, and try and get back to normal. Or, just end it, even though it might not be easy for either of you..
If you need anything else, just drop it in my inbox.
Good luck.
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