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My brother committed suicide
I was really close to my brother when we were growing up. My brother was only like a year and a half or so older than me. Two months ago my brother committed suicide and I'm the one that "found" him. I can't seem to move on from it at all though. I think I'm depressed sometimes but I don't really know. I lie awake at night and think about it constantly. It's like I'm in this haze where nothing is real anymore and I've noticed myself pulling away from others, spending more and more time alone. I replay our childhood in my head--the laughs, the games, the memories--and I realize it's gone. It's all gone.
I was close to my brother and it hurts that he didn't share his pain with me. It hurts that he couldn't rely on me to help him through the hard times he was obviously going through. Now I'm thinking about suicide myself. I've even went as far as to Google search painless ways to commit suicide and quickest ways to commit suicide. It's stupid, I know...but I feel so lost, so alone, and so empty now.
I guess I'm looking for some sort of guidance here. I don't really know what to do next...
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First off, I'm very sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you feel. I haven't lost a family member, but I did lose someone very close to me about two years ago, and I was feeling exactly as you do now. But, I also want to commend you on your strength so far. It takes a lot to not completely shut down when something this traumatic occurs.
I think you should see a counselor. Tell your mother what you're feeling (or just tell her you want someone professional to talk to) & call some places. It could take a while to find the counselor who's right for you though, so be patient. You will eventually find the one who you're comfortable with.
Getting help would definitely do you some good. You need to vent and scream, and you need to do it with someone who'll be patient with you. A counselor can give you a lot of insight on the situation and maybe help you see the other side (your brother's side). I really suggest you get help soon though before you do something you regret.
I really am sorry for your loss, and I really hope you get the help you need. Good luck. :(
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Its time to talk to a counselor.
You might not like the first one you talk to. Find more. Someone out there will be able to connect with you well enough to form some trust.
This question seems like a first step. I'm a student of psychology, and I've had a very fucked up life. I well understand the difficulty in opening up, in the instinctive pulling away from anything that seems like it can hurt you.
Its possible to pull yourself out of this yourself. Its hard. You have a ton of stuff to figure out about yourself and about the world and how you fit into it. These questions still cause me issues, I definitely SHOULD have sought help.
I didn't, because of the stigma. I've figured myself out now, and I'm back on the path I intend to walk in life.
I probably would have recovered alot faster, and be alot better off than I am even now had I sought counseling. I can tell by your question that you have things to say, emotions pent up inside you because you have no idea how to deal with them or what to do about them.
A counselor can help give you the tools to help yourself, help you figure it out quicker. Its most definitely worth looking into.
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Okay. Is what you are going through what you want your family and friends to go through? really think about it. And i think the best thing for you to do is to talk to a close person in your life that you really trust. My sisters boyfriend commited suicide a year in a half ago, it hurt me so much that she was going through pain like that. But she slowly healed, even though it seems like time cant heal any loss (and believe me, i thought the same thing) it will. i really hope this helped and i wish that you do choose the best desicion.
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Please tell your parents what you have written here. You need to talk to a grief counsellor. I lost my mother when I was a teen and I can relate to the feeling of being alone and depressed. These are natural symptoms of grief.
However, if you're at the stage of considering suicide, your depression has escalated and you can no longer face this alone.
There is no shame in what you're going through. The death of a family member is traumatic, and even more so for you because it was sudden and because of the terrible circumstances.
Please seek help.
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Oh dear, I'm so so so sorry.
No one deserves to go through that.
Honestly, it's ALRIGHT to be upset about your brother. That's fine.
But you shouldn't let the bad things cause you to think that you need to follow in your brother's path.
Get a pet. Seriously, they are SO comforting. They make you feel so great. Plus, with having to care for it, you will start to get your mind off your brother.
The best pet to get is a cat. Cats will get right up next to you, lick your face, and sleep on your bed with you. And they'll love you NO MATTER WHAT.
Please think about what you're doing. Take a step back, and think how you're feeling right now. Pretty bad, right? Bad doesn't even describe it. Well, if you do what your brother did, how would your mother feel? How would your father feel? How would any of your family feel?
Get a pet, please. =]
--Jack
(17/m)
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