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What is wrong with me? Am I just feeling sorry for myself?
When I was 6 my older brother accidently shot his wife, and then he committed suicide. My dad was effected so much by his loss that he started drinking, and ran out of control and became an alcoholic. Soon after, my parent's divorced and my dad moved away. In August of 2005, hurricane Katrina hit my house in New Orleans and almost destroyed everything. My dad quit drinking and moved back to New Orleans and helped my mom rebuild our house that September. My parents fell inlove and my dad didn't touch a drink. Two months later, he got very sick and he went to the doctor and we found out he has very bad liver cancer. My dad died April 1, 2006. I was just in 6th grade. I developed bad self esteem issues.
April 2008: I had devolped a lot for my age, I looked so much older. I started hanging out with older friends and got myself in a lot of trouble. I started drinking and smoking weed every weekend. One night in April I snuck out of my house with a boy that called me and told me he was by my house. I needed a cigarette really bad and my mom refused to buy me any, and I was punished so this was the only way I could get one for a couple days. I figured it was worth it. I snuck out and we went behind a school down the street. He started to kiss me and we made out, and then he kept trying to take off my pants. ( I think he was 16 and I was 14. ) I kept moving his hands so he would stop but he wouldn't, so I stopped kissing him and pushed him away because I thought he was using too much force on me. Then he held me down against the wall and pulled my shorts and panties off of me. I was so shocked. I was a virgin. He let go of me and I had the worst feeling I just knew something was going to happen. He pulled out a condom and a knife. He didn't do anything with the knife but he like showed it to me. I let him have sex with me. I was crying the whole time. He raped me. I told him no over and over again and he wouldn't listen to me. I was raped.
May 2008: I was talking to a boy before the rape and I really liked him. We started dating and he was my everything. He was mean to me like my dad was but I don't know, something about it made me like it because he was just not letting me fuck up and get so drunk and mess up and stuff. He cared a lot about me and I let him have sex with me. After we had been dating for a while, I told him about the rape. He helped me through EVERYTHING. He told my mom, which I got really mad about, but he just wanted to do the best thing he could do. I had to talk to millions of people about the rape and I was video recorded, had to explain the rape in EVERY DETAIL, photos were were taken, and my body was inspected head to toe. That made my rape even worse. The cops and doctors treated me like I was the criminal.
August 2008: The boy that I had was at a party and got drunk and made out with his ex girlfriend. We broke up. It was the most devestating thing that EVER happened. I still cry my heart out.
September 2008: I found out the boy I had just broken up with got a new girlfriend. I took 12 asprin to just make me feel "better" and I told my friend and she freaked out and made me go to the emergency room. I told the people in the emergency room about how I just didn't feel good, and they claimed I was trying to kill myself.
They made me go to a mental hospital. IT was the scariest thing I've ever had been to. They FORCED ME there for two weeks, my mom was not allowed to get me out. Our insurance doesn't cover much mental health and they took like ALL of our money. They held me just for the money. I DIDNT EVEN TRY TO KILL MYSELF. I WAS JUST UPSET AND THOUGHT IT WOULD PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD.
November 2008: My mom would not let me out her site after everything we went through. The first night she let me sleep out, me and my friend went out and got drunk. I drank too much not realizing and ended up in the alcohol level of 0.47 and that was after I threw my heart up. They thought about sending me back to the mental hospital but THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T.
January 2009: A girl that is friend with my rapist (he coudln't go to jail because of lack of evidence :( ) claimed I was LYING about being raped. She got me so upset and so embarassed. She came up to my face and claimed if I really did get raped then I would throw a punch at her. She was being really loud and I couldn't take it and I hit her. She got me arrested and pressed charges. It was all part of her plan to get back at me. I WENT TO JAIL. THEY HELD ME LIKE A CRIMINAL
I got kicked out my catholic school. It was the same highschool my mom went to and it was her dream that I went there but when I got kicked out I got her SOOOO DISSAPPOINTED. I MESSED UP EVERYTHING. I JUST WANTED TO DO WHATS BEST.
Now we don't have much money anymore. The boy who raped me never stepped a foot in jail, but I DID. Only one income. No dad, no brother. My mom does not trust me. I have been through hell and back and I still miss my ex who helped me through everything. He's with his girlfriend still and I wish I could let him know how much he meant to me.
What can I do? I'm just 15 years old and I'm lost. I had talking about my problems to therepist because I JUST RELIVE THE EXPIRENCES EVERY TIME.
sorry for the grammer, i'm just too upset to even go check on that stuff :(
THERES NOTHING I CAN DO
I still have dreams about that mental hospital too. it ruined my life. The rapist ruined it. The girl ruined it. My ex ruined it. Why do I not have any control?
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Just because your friends drink and smoke weed doesn't mean you have to. If you feel like you do, then they aren't good friends. But you're probably happy with your friends so I'll just leave that alone. It seems like the alcohol is ruining your life, like it ruined your dad's. Think about everything. It all leads back to the drugs and alcohol. If you want to turn your life around you're going to have to keep a positive attitude. Hang out with your friends just to have fun. Fun doesn't always mean drugs and alcohol. Some people, like the girl who got you arrested, are going to try to start drama with you. You just have to ignore it. Know that you're better than that. You're fifteen years old and you have so much life ahead of you. Just because you messed up a few years doesn't mean that the rest of your life is messed up. First off, you definitely need to apologize to your mom. She's already been through all this with losing her son and her husband, and now she's having to deal with all of your partying. Your mom deserves an apology. And maybe after that, she'll start trusting you again. Once you turn sixteen you'll be able to get a job and your life will straighten out. Trust me, don't give up. Everyone has bad times in their lives but things change all the time.
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Firstly, I'm glad you realise things have to change and this isn't the right way. I suggest start changing things now, like almost everything. Hang out with 'good' people, like people that do not smoke/drink etc. People that you can look up to and admire. Pick up slowly now and I assure you before long you will have everything by your stride. I'm sorry about all that has happened, but you know it has only made you a stronger person. About the rape issue and his friend, the girl who provoked you.. It is quite a messed up world, and people always claim to know better, when they don't. In occasions like that, where someone provokes you, just walk away, it may seem like a really 'loser' thing to do, but you're more mature than them, fighting and being all physical is a childish game-play. You don't have to prove to anyone that you got raped or anything, you KNOW you got raped and people that matter to you do too, so that girl, if she doesn't believe.. WHO THE HELL CARES?! Never let people who have NO importance in YOUR life, BE part of your life. It is a waste and there is no point, you'll just end up hurt.
Right now, cherish what you got, that's one way to start re-building, you are most definately a strong girl, and if you were strong enough to go through all this at such a tender age, you're more than strong to start re-building and hit the point of complete happiness. I suggest you hang out with your mom a little more, help her around, strengthen your relationship with your mom, she's all you have as family. Look after that! She may not trust you now, but can you blame her? Keep being there for her, and slowly but surely, you will get her trust back, I promise you, after all, you are her daughter she loves so much and has stuck with all through everything.
About your ex, I'm sorry it is over. But don't go back, MOVE ON.. He made out with someone, whoever it is, it matters. And breaking up with him was a good idea, because what he did was wrong. I'm happy you did that. And yes, he helped you out, that should always be appreciated. You're still young, he's just ONE guy that has helped you out, there are some MORE guys out there, believe me. Don't tie yourself to this guy, he messed up, NOT you. It was NOT your fault, BUT HIS! You shouldn't take ANY blame for this. Be grateful he helped you out, talk to him one day if you can and just let him know that you're willing to be friends with him, don't get into detail or anything, friends says it! Don't tell him how much he means to you as you would be showing vulnerability, NOT what you need after all that's happened and after what he has done. You are in NO fault whatsoever, remember that. Just let him know you want to be friends, whether he wants to or not, is his choice. Don't get emotional or anything, or get into what happened with you two in the past when you were together. He has a new girlfriend now and that's that. Don't try break them or anything, respect their relationship, back away and move on. What he has done for you, helping you out, is more than enough.. That was all you needed, and now, if he can't be a good friend, then, that's ok too. Some things just don't happen or go according to how you want them to, you know? But never forget, you're moving FORWARDS, NOT BACKWARDS.... Keep that in mind and you will succeed.
I suggest you start taking some things a little easy, with the whole relationship thing. Don't get into it right now, build yourself strong and so when you do get into a relationship and he messes up and you're single again, the self-esteem and everything else that you have built will remain there, and you will still be strong enough to move on, and not be crushed. And he would just be a silly boy who missed out on a lot, you are something. Build your self-esteem now; hang out with people you admire, go out with them, have a ball, avoid drinking/drugs/smoking and everything will be going smoothly.
What you have been through, not many people have. You are stronger than most and you are well on your way to getting everything you've wanted. Your mom will always support you, love her. The friends that support you, love them too. Just love and take care of the things/people that love you and care for you in return. The others don't matter, you will always have some people that try bring you down, always. But you, you are so much stronger, don't let them. They don't mean anything, and they are just a small little obstacle that you have to pass. Your best quality, your strength, will help you a lot. So stay strong, stay away from negative people that want to bring you down. Stay forever and ever with your mom, cherish her.
Move forwards and not backwards, once you're doing that.. Look, you've already made progress and you are in control!! ;) It is YOUR life, it is in YOUR control, always have been, always will be!
Ask Venzuela
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Ok im just a 13 year old guy and i dont really have much to say , but your life as a kid was just wayy over what you shouldve saw. I mean, i know people who smoke weed and say its ok and that i should try it and of course i say no. My dad was a heavy alchoholic and i was always forced to take care of my brother while
my mom was at work. I always would take my anger out by taking his beer bottles and smashing them on the ground. I think that maybe you strted hanging out with older people becuase you wanted to get away. i would like seriously reccomend finding another boyfriend, one that will stay with you forever. Also i hope that you stopped smokong weed and drinking, im telling you its gonna be horrible in the future. When someday you have kids , you could be a heavy alchoholic , like my dad, and force your husband to leave you. Thats exactly what happened to me with my dad the alchoholic. And about the incedent when the girl wanted you to say the rape was true and you could punch her, i think that she was provoking you all the way to do it. I honestly think she deserved it and that you shouldnt be the one who gets in trouble. As i said already, im only 13. I really hope you find someone that you can be with, and can help you get through this.
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