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she says i've changed.
This is kinda long but really important and relatively easy, so please read through! I promise to rate.
So I have this friend who I've known since I was in 2nd grade, been friends with since 4th and been best friends with since 7th.
Basically her and my bestbestwickedbest friend became closer a few months ago and I felt really left out. My defense mechanism to that is to separate from them, and eventually they'll realize that they miss me and will willingly accept me back into the friendship. Its always worked in this past for me. This time, it didnt. For nearly two months I felt bitter and alone. I began avoiding them when I felt like they were giving me pity conversations and began hanging out with my other friends more who I felt really wanted me there. However, these two friends took it as separation and bitchiness and began using my normal character traits against me, like how I supposedly talk about people. I won't lie. Yes, I do gossipper. But barely any of it is negative and I am never, ever mean. I'm in high school, everyone gossips, including those girls, and to deny that would be a lie. So they bitched me out brutally and I felt like I was on rock bottom, I had nobody to lean on - I don't have a good home situation and am very emotionally isolated/independent (however you want to look at it). I broke down.
That was just over two months ago. Things have kinda gotten back to normal with my bestbest friend-- she's kinda changed a bit herself (she got a boyfriend and I feel like she's not herself around him, in a bad way, and doesn't want to hang out with me as much anymore, but that's another issue) but I'm not bitching about it.
The other one, though, told me today, again, that I changed. By Facebook bumper stickers, nonetheless. NOT KIDDING. The message that went along with it said something like, "Just a heads up, I want the old you back!" then the bumper sticker said some shit like "I miss you... the old you." Like WTF?
I haven't been extremely friendly with this girl since the fall-out a few months ago because I don't think that she's trustworthy. She instigated the bitch-out back then- the other friend would never have brought it up. And I know that if I say anything to support her claims of talking about people, even if its just neutral statements (I've stopped a lot since then, realizing none of it can lead to good), she'll spread it around or wave it in my face.
Also we just don't have anything in common anymore. We dress differently (I'm girly, she has dirty greasy hair and lives in sweats - I used to not care when I was younger, but I think its disgusting now) have different music tastes (I like modern, she likes country). I like to go to the mall. She doesn't like to do anything but go see horror movies / crime show tv shows. Its hard to find any common ground with her- even our sense of humor.
And where I used to find her completely hilarious in years passed (she's the "funny" one), I just find her completely obnoxious now. I can't stand her, although I haven't told anyone or said anything to hint at it. I just don't really laugh anymore, just smile. I'm not mean to her at all, I'm civil, to say the least. She's just annoying and untrustworthy - to me.
Why the hell do yuo think she would send me a freakin bumper sticker of all things (like, really?!?) instead of talking to me? And do you think its worth trying to repair the friendship? Any views whatsoever on the matter would help me greatly.
Thanks SO much!
...16/f btw:)
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i disagree with razhie. and im not saying theyre wrong, because everyone has their own opinion. but my mom has always told me, whether its a fallout with a friend or a breakup with a bf - you have to let them miss you. so in your situation, i wouldve done the same. and the simple fact is, maybe youve outgrown these friends. highschool is all about making new friends and finding yourself. and if your not compatible with these two friends anymore, you just have to move on. sure you can try to be friends again if you want, but youll probably just get hurt again when(if) they reject you. ive been there. its not fun, but sometimes you just have to be strong about it. and the facebook thing -- that just shows how immature she really is. if she cant come up to you and say she misses you, then she doesnt have the traits of a real friend to you anymore. everyone changes throughout highschool. few people rarely keep the same friends all four years. i really hope i helped; :) 17/f
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Why did, a few months ago, you stop talking to her and try to manipulate her and your best friend into chasing you through silence and withdrawal instead of talking to them about the problem?
Yep, her facebook message was a silly idea, but honestly, that whole 'make them chase me' idea you had a few months ago comes from a similar place of insecurity and was just as silly.
I'm not trying to come down on you here, but you need to realize that her response (through a stupid facebook message) is totally in-keeping with the communication style you used when you first got upset with her and your best friend. Being civil to her is great, but it's still a kind of 'silence' which she is interpreting as negative character trait because she is a human being! Your silence on the problems between you is always going to be interpreted as a negative thing.
People don't assume the best of others. Even if it's wrong, when we don't have enough information to understand a change of plan, we assume the worst. Disastrous thinking is just programed into our little mammalian brains. When a teen misses curfew the parents don't think they must have lost track of the time, they imagine they are dead in the ditch. It's pretty much the same with friends; we are quick to assume the worst of each other.
Although the way she brought up the disagreements between you was childish, she isn't the only one in your peer group who using childish approaches. This is a style you, and I'm sure other of your friends, have used and accepted in the past.
It's good that realize how silly these sorts of ploys are now. You can start to change the way you deal with one another.
It's completely up to you if you'd like to continue your friendship or not, but either way, you have two basic paths:
You can address your unhappiness and anger over the past with her AND forgive her.
OR you can let her know simply and respectfully that YES you have changed, you've all changed, and though you are sorry she is upset by this, you like the new you and are certain the new you can go on being friendly with her, even if you aren't as close as you once where.
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