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Poem.
ok so i wrote this poem and i want some feedback on it. If u dont like it, please be nice about it. lol. Thanks. Also tips and suggestions are welcomed. :) and also, it has no name so....here it is;
The overwelming feeling you get in your chest.
The tear jeaking moments of joy.
Unforgetable Happiness,
The long, endless nights together.
Little trivial things in life
Butterflys fluttering around in your tummy, the feeling of being able to fly light as air.
The never ending feeling of pure joy.
Knock Knock Knock.
The stomach droping moment they leave forever.
The tears and heartache day after day never ending pain.
The endless nights crying and wishing they'd come back.
Empty, Empty, Empty is all you feel.
The hollowed out place youe heart once was.
Until finialy, You feeling nothing ar all except pain. Then you relize what really happened...and its to late to change it back.
Until...It starts all over again.
-Callie
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I am going to assume that you actually do want tips and suggestions... So, if you don't want to change or improve your writing and poetry skills, you can pretty much just ignore me completely.
Your poem is inconstant with the use of punctuation. Sometimes things are sentences, with periods and commas, and other times they aren't.
Like the period at the end of 'Knock Knock Knock.' and the fact that ‘Empty, Empty, Empty’ has commas when Knock didn't... Its repetition, but it’s not very similar at all, so it just looks a bit odd.
Punctuation is really very important in poetry, even when a poet chooses not to use it at all. It's tells a person HOW to read the poem – where to pause and emphasize. It's best to be consistent or the reading is muddled.
Also take a look at your capitalization. I can see you made some choices to capitalize some extra words, which is great, but you also capitalized the beginning of each line, even if it was continuing a thought from the previous line, and that isn’t always the best choice. A capital reads much like a period, it grabs our attention and declares a new thought, so like periods, you need to take a look at them. With so many capitals and so many periods there are a lot of ‘new thoughts’ going on this poem. If I were you I would get rid of a few of them to slow it down a bit, focus on a thought for a bit longer and give all your thoughts more connection and flow.
You use the phrase ‘endless nights’ twice. I see why you mentioned it twice, to bring the idea back around (but unless it's the endless nights who ARE doing the crying), take the oppertunity to vary your word choice.
Tear jerking is a clichéd phrase, and the idea of a hole where your heart is a clichéd image.
We call things clichéd when we see or hear them a lot. They aren’t horribly bad, but they aren’t IMPACTFUL. They don’t make you feel anything. They just make you nod and think “Yes, of course. I’ve heard that so many times before that I know exactly how I am supposed to feel about it.”
FEEL the difference between these two lines:
There is a hole where my heart was.
My heart was a bullet wound, cleared through and cruel.
They are telling you the same thing “Dude! My heart is EMPTY!” but I bet you felt more of an emotional connection with the second one, because it told you the heart was empty in a new way, a way that gave you a new mental image, a way you hadn’t heard before.
Keep writing and have fun.
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I LOVED IT. Your an awsome writer. its good write more.
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i think it is good,i actually like it a lot. just one thing though if your typing it or have already typed it you have some words that need to be fixed.
ar = at
realy = really
finialy = finally
relize = realize
youe = your
other than that it is really good
good luck
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