|
antisocial | lonely | depression | anxiety
Well, I have friends at school, though I'm not totally sure who's real & who's fake. I'm very shy and don't make friends easily. I've gone from group-to-group a lot this year and have lost touch with the people I knew had my back. I felt like a 6th wheel sometimes and was bored with them, but I knew they were real. I started hanging around another group, of whom I was only comfortable & really friends with one girl. But, now, the rest of that group is nice one day, then act like they don't know me the next. Finally, the group I sit with now isn't much better. Two of the girls in that group are from the first group I mentioned. One of those girls is switching schools next year...she's also the one I'm closest to. The girls in this group do things on the weekends that I have no knowledge of. They plan things at the table when I'm sitting there and they don't even look my way while they're doing this, so they don't invite me. Then, later in the day, they have the nerve to ask me what I'm doing this weekend. When I saw 'nothing,' they just say 'oh.' So, as you can imagine, I have no contact with the opposite sex. I have a weight problem, but I'm losing weight (50 lbs and counting), so confidence is an iddue. And, lastly, associating/connecting with people is the hardest thing for me to do. I have a hard time laughing at things that I normally find funny because I'm a wreck on the inside. I've dissected this situation & my own mental state along with it multiple times. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for being a black cloud. Any advice...please?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
growing up is so much fun isnt it?
congrats on losing weight! i know thats a hard thing to do. I am currently doing it also. But anyways, this isnt an uncommon problem. I dont think you should sit with these girls anymore. Find people who accept you for you. There are people like that out there, i promise. It just may take a little bit of searching. Dont let confidence be an issue< your judging yourself too harshly. Things will get better if you let them.
sorry i didnt help much, but i wish you the best of luck!
]
I've basically been in this situation before.
I'm an overweight female and was heavily picked on up until about 10th or 11th grade. I didn't ever really "fit in" with any sort of group in school but I did hang around with the people that considered themselves outcasts. I now have realized I am missing a lot of normal communication skills that would have developed when I was younger.
This being said, the problem may actually be completely in your head while the other girls are wondering, "Why in the world doesn't she like us?!"
A lot of this may be social cues you're overlooking. Social cues are easy to overlook if you haven't had much practice in sorting them out in typical situations. If the group is planning to get together on, say, friday and you're sitting at the table then they are expecting you to input some ideas too unless you're completely disinterested. If you don't input anything then they typically assume that you're not interested in getting together with them for whatever reason.
If one member of the group is unsure of your interest they meet up with your later and say, "Hey, what are you going to do this weekend?!" They, usually, are REALLY saying, "So, are YOU going to go to [HANGOUT LOCATION] this weekend? I'm curious because you didn't say if you were or not." Sometimes they are wanting to know so they can forward the information to the rest of the group (you know, so they will wait on you if you're late, etc.). Sometimes they want to know because they want to go if you go or go if you don't go (for whatever reasons). Sometimes they want your input about the plans that have been made or if you have any "fun" ideas to do on friday when they all meet up (if you're going, of course).
If you've never fit in with a group of peers--and I mean TRULY fit in--then you may be missing simple social cues like these. People don't necessarily mean exactly what they say--girls especially leave underlying information within simple verbal communication. People also wait for YOU to speak up before asking for your thoughts.
It's possible that all of the groups you've been to thought you were completely disinterested in them to begin with. If you're not in the conversation willingly then why would they want to force your opinion out on topics like Friday night get-togethers? If you're not saying, "Yeah, this sounds fun, I can't wait!" then you must be unhappy with the plans.
I highly suggest that you speak up when they are making plans next time. Say something like, "Hey did you guys see the movie trailer to [MOVIE]? We should get together and see that...I'd really like it if we could." or "I had this great idea for friday too..." or "Wow, that sounds fantastic! What time should we meet?" Whatever it is that you can get yourself into the conversation with about meeting up--do it!
If you're not inputting anything into the conversation then the girls assume you don't want to be going out with them. If you've done this more than once then they're not going to pressure you any more because they assume you're not that interested in the group anyway--so they stop looking your direction for input.
Remember that these are high school girls we're talking about. They're not 30 some year olds who have experience in gathering other people in a conversation regarding friday night plans. Their communication skills are not completely developed either--a little more than basic but less than a full matured adult's. They don't typically pull people into conversations if they're not already part of the conversation or USUALLY a part of the conversation at hand.
If the group has welcomed you as a member (meaning, they allow you to "hang out" with them at school) then they expect you to peep up when they're discussing things. A welcomed member is always invited to an outing--especially when the plans were made right in front of their face. If these girls TRULY did not want you to attend their meetings then they definately wouldn't discuss it in front of you--BELIEVE ME!
Relax and let these feelings go. The girls have meant no harm and are probably thinking you're not happily fitted into the group because of your disinterest in them. Speak up when it comes to weekend plans.
If the girls push your ideas aside, stop the conversation completely, or leave out important details so that you don't know when/where they will be meeting THEN be worried that they don't want you to attend.
If you can gather enough courage up, ask them about the plans face-to-face. Say, "Hey, are we getting together this weekend?" or even, "Am I invited to this, too?" If someone approaches you about weekend plans then make conversation back! Answer with, "I'm not doing anything that I know of. Why? Are you free or planning to do something I can do too?"
By simply answering, "Nothing," you cut off the rest of the conversation. The girl reads this, really, as, "I am not doing anything. I'm not interested in hanging out with you so don't bother." That's probably why she only answers with, "Oh." She's confused and doesn't know what else to say so she has to drop the conversation she just tried to start.
If worst comes to worst, make plans when they're not. Say, "Hey, guys, if everybody is free I thought we should probably get together and ..." Initiate!
These feelings may develop into something more severe if you don't let them go and blossom out and make friends. I suggest you see a therapist. What you've described are also classic signs of Asperger's Syndrome--a communication problem that is a lower form of autism. People with Asperger's Syndrome typically miss important social cues, cannot communicate very well, feel unable to connect to peers, sometimes don't "get" funny jokes, etc. Only a therapist can diagnose a person with such disorder though.
Lastly, the humor nowadays really isn't so humorous. A lot of people laugh of painful moments (like someone getting hurt) and private sexual things. It's perfectly fine to not laugh at things that are not appropriate. We aren't suppose to think it's funny when someone falls down or drops something. We aren't suppose to think nasty things--like 2 girls 1 cup, for example--is funny or even entertaining. We aren't suppose to think farting and burping merits a giggle. Having self-respect and a brain doesn't mean something is wrong with you.
However, if someone tells a simply joke that doesn't have stupid, offense things in it then maybe you're just missing something. If someone says a completely harmless knock-knock joke and you don't find it entertaining while everyone else things it's funny then maybe you're reading too much into the joke or you don't understand WHY it's funny? Again, a therapist can help sort these feelings out.
I wish you the best of luck with opening up with these girls and becoming real friends with them. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me! :)
]
Getting to know people is not easy for everyone. Because when people open up to you, you reveal yourself to them as well. And that's hard to do sometimes. Some have this ability to get along with everyone they meet but I think most of us are just on the average side. What do you look for in friends? Real friends are hard to find.
There are those whom we call "acquaintances"-people whom we can chat up with but can not really get close to. If you are not sure about the sincerity of some your friends then try to refrain from revealing too much about yourself to them. Sometimes, just standing back and observing them can do so much.
Trusting people can be hard but you have to accept that it is a part of life. And you would have to do it sooner or later. The truth is, if you can't trust people then they won't be able to trust you. So observe and then trust. Tell me how it goes okay? Lots of luck.
]
More Questions: |