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In love with not boyfriend
Hi, I'm 16/f and I've been going out with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I'm not considered “popular” at school or anything, but pretty much everyone in my grade knows Mark and I are going out. And we're like "the cutest couple." I'm a perfectionist (yes, I admit it :-P) and the club I'm in after school (which my boyfriend is also in) is going to Disney World in a couple of weeks. Which should be a really fun vacation for us ...he and I aren't big on PDA so that is not a concern.
But what the concern IS is that I started taking this new class this year, which my boyfriend is not in, and I met this really nice guy who is totally different from my boyfriend... he wears really expensive clothes (I wear, like, KOHL's!) and he looks I guess gangsta (hat backwards, hoodie, etc.) yet he is a really nice person. As soon as I started liking him a little, I confronted my boyfriend (who I can really trust) and he said "it's that guy with the fancy clothes, isn't it?" and I started to tear up. I don't want to like Josh (we'll call him) because I've been going out with Mark for so long, but I just wanted to be honest with my boyfriend. We decided to stay together for Disney at least because we just want to be the happiest we can be. And I truly can’t wait to go, though there are other issues such as my ex being at Disney as well, who still loves me, and my best friend (a guy) who admitted last year to having loved me for years. I'm extremely flattered as you might be able to imagine, but it's also stressful because I feel like every move I make has the potential to hurt someone. I feel like going after Josh will just be too much, since I’ve already got three guys’ feelings to worry about. I try to make sure each of them is happy. Leaving my boyfriend and going after Josh might be a lost cause, however, because Josh might not like me back and then I’ve gone and lost my boyfriend (though he might take me back, however I did that to my ex and, I don’t know, it’s just awkward. I feel bad looking back on it, having probably made him feel like the rebound.)
So my questions to you are:
What should I do about my crush on Josh? Should I leave Mark…and crush his heart (Mark called me, crying, the night of the day I told him about my crush on Josh (a couple of nights ago)…he is a very sweet boy and I still love him, but I know I can’t have feelings for two people at once without being honest…this isn’t The Bachelorette, or anything. It’s real life. But don’t worry, I wasn’t that blunt with him!)
I am scared to be single, because I have not been since I was 12 years old (mind you, Mark is only my second boyfriend…every one has been a long relationship. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle a hook-up (not the intercourse kind of hook-up, just making out), though my mind sometimes toys with the idea of doing that with Josh…)
I guess you’d call me insecure, but I just don’t know how to be without knowing there’s someone who loves me close by. At the moment, my heart skips a beat when I’m working on projects with Josh…but I don’t think he likes me back and I don’t want to cause sorrow for anyone, including me.
Thank you so much for reading all of my story, and I look forward to your honest responses. :-)
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Before I say anything, I would just like you to remember one thing: You CANNOT help how you feel. Obviously you are not intentionally hurting these people, and it's not your fault.
However I do believe you have a serious problem on your hands that only you can fix. No one can blame you for how you feel, however Mark might. And you cannot blame him; you are breaking his heart. Now if you don't want to hurt him anymore, you either need to be completely dedicated to him, and ONLY him, or you need to break up with him. Yes, if he truly loves you that will hurt him and most likely you as well, but if you care for him that's what is best. He seems like a really sweet guy, and it's a shame it has to be like that, but it does.
First of all, who cares if your ex-boyfriend is going to be at Disneyland? That should not be an issue, unless you still have feelings for him. If you don't, then forget about it.
Second of all, your best friend has been in love with you for years, and he told you last year, and you and your current boyfriend have been together for 1 year; so what's the deal? If you don't have feelings for him, you make that very clear and make sure he understands that your relationship will go no further than friendship.
Thirdly, it's normal to find guys attractive. That does not mean that you are in love with him, or that you even have a crush on him. It sounds to me like you find this Josh kid attractive, and that's fine. It's human nature. However that does not mean you have to act on these feelings or break your boyfriend's heart by telling him you "might" have a crush on him. That's just really mean.
You may not be able to help how you feel, but you don't have to let the entire world (or in other words, your boyfriend) know. That Josh kid probably doesn't even like you like that. So it's best just to stay away instead of adding another problem into the equation.
I know you say you don't want to be single. However if you are having this hard of a time staying faithful to your boyfriend, or if you have some kind of feelings or another on any of these guys besides your boyfriend, then maybe you should be. Perhaps you just are not ready for a serious relationship at this point in your life. In fact, it would probably be better for you, and all other parties involved for you to stay single.
In a nutshell, my advice is to stay single until you find out what it is you are looking for. Everyone will be much happier that way.
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Your boyfriend sounds like a very sweet and nice guy. He doesn't deserve to have his girlfriend crushing on another guy hurting him. You know he doesn't want to lose you. Nothing is wrong with being single. Although since you've always been with a guy it might be hard for a little. I think its time to split since your heart isn't fully with your boyfriend. Or maybe you could take a break to sort out your feelings and get them in line and see how you feel about these guys. You also sound like a nice girl since you care if you hurt someone. But right now it might hurt him and at times your gonna be hurt too. Your hurting yourself right now because of your mixed feelings. Just take some time to sit and think about how you feel about this guy Josh. It might be just a crush. You never really know until you think about how this is gonna turn out. Try talking more to this guy Josh because he may not have the same feelings in return. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!
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Okay, after reading that whole story a few times... I think you should do what makes YOU happy. I know you're scared of being single and scared of hurting everyone around you, but see the drift? It's all about fear. Being single is not the worst thing in the world. You see how many guys like you now? Why wouldn't MORE guys like you in the future? You're only 16, and have plenty of time for long-term relationships.
If you're unsure about your relationship with your boyfriend, then it's time to split. If your whole heart isn't into it, it's not fair to 'Mark' at all. Why don't you try some innocent flirting with 'Josh'? There's no shame in that and try to get a feel of where his mind is at and if he might like you back. There's also no shame or nothing wrong with hook-ups and dating around as long you're smart and safe about it.
No matter what you do, people are going to get hurt. That's life and that's love. There's no avoiding that and you shouldn't be so scared of everyone else's feelings. Worry about your own right now and your own happiness.
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