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I need advice about my relationship, how typical.
I'm engaged to an amazing man. He's truly every girls dream. He's attentive, caring, sweet, thoughtful, gorgeous. We've been together since I was 20, I am 23 now, he's 26. Our relationship is good, we fight, no more than any other couple. We aren't too stressed about the economoy, we aren't rich by any means, but we have food on our table, and a roof over our heads. We can't complain. Sex lifes fine.
Only problem is, I'm not truly happy with him. I love him with all my heart, but I'm not in love. And, I just can't see myself marrying someone I'm not in love with. Call me old fashioned, but I want to be deeply in love with the man I'm going to marry. And, it's just not my current fiance.
I need some advice on how to break the news to him without hurting him too much. I know, I know, there is no way to do this without hurting him. Which isn't what I'm setting out to do at all. That's why I've come here, how I can get through this as gently as possible? If you need anymore information about the situation, please let me know and I'd be glad to provide it. Thank you in advanced for your help.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I don't know if you should marry this guy or not. That is for you to eventually decide. It sounds like a combination of things. I think you liked the chase. I think that he doesn't challenge you as much as you'd like. I think because of those reasons the spark is gone or was never there. Also, you said the sex life was "fine". It seems as if you would want a better sex life as well. "Fine" isn't exactly what I'd want to hear from a girlfriend. I'd be shaking in my boots if that was how it was described. It sounds as though the logic part of your brain says "yes" to this and the emotional/passion side is saying "no, i want more". It feels like this guy is a typical "nice guy". You know that he's a catch. I have a few suggestions on all of this for you. First off, you need time to think this all over. If you can, I'd suggest moving the wedding back. That way, you have time to make a better decision. If you are going to marry him, you are going to have to think of him differently. You have to find something new and exiting or something. This marriage needs to be more than a business transaction. There is nothing wrong with a good steady guy. It sounds as if he is too easy going or too pleasing. Girls want a guy with a bit of backbone or at least one that will actually fight a bit. Lackluster sex can be remedied. But if you want someone with a different personality type then maybe you should look elsewhere. We are how we are. Marriage is scary. Ask yourself if he was ever enough for you. If you must end it, then you must. If you love him then he deserves to be with someone that is crazy about him as well. Don't get married to just not be alone. If you are unhappy, you'll feel alone with him in the room. 20 years can fly by. if you wake up tomorrow and you are 43 you may have some teenage kids, a house payment, and a husband you don't even want to look at. Imagine this. You are at the altar. You have a priest or preacher doing your wedding. You look to your right, you see your man's face. What goes through your mind? Is it happiness? Is it fear? Is it feeling as if you are living a lie? Do you want to wake up next to him everyday? If you must, make a list of what bothers you about this marriage and about this guy. Then ask yourself which of these things can be fixed. Then ask yoruself how likely it is that they will be. Now, can you live with that forever? I hope i was help. it's easier in an actual conversation to get your thoughts as well. I wish you well no matter what you decide
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As far as the breakup is concerned, give him his dignity. Do it in private, preferably at his home so that you can be the one who choses to leave and end the encounter. Be as honest as you can with him. He needs the information about whats going through your head so that he can learn any lessons there are to learn from this.
You fucked up. It sounds like you let comfort win out over love.
But theres also alot about you that I have questions about.
I don't want to get into a "Love requires maintinence" lecture here, you're an adult and you probably know that. But its not good that you let this get to the planning a wedding stage before ending it.
You need to do some serious thinking. About why you are still in this relationship, why you didn't break up sooner, etc etc. Because while you seem certain that this guy isn't what you want, I can't tell if you know IS what you want.
Do you?
You sound picky. Most people would go with what they have, you're searching for something more specific. I'm this way with girls I've dated. I've had a very large number of girls who I didn't get past three "dates" with or more than a few weeks because I search for a very specific set of personality traits.
The key there is that I don't get past the third date. If you're as picky as you sound like, why are you going this far without walking away? You know you won't be happy unless you satisfy those standards you have, yet you spend possibly years with a guy who doesn't fit what feels right to you.
You need to address that, because you're now in the position of hurting some poor guy who doesn't deserve it and wasting your own time. You could be looking for someone who fits what you need, not just some stereotypical categorization of "what a good guy is like"
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People can love and care about someone and not be deeply in love with them. If you are not in love with your fiance then you very well might have fallen out of love. You need to tell him, Remember marriage is a long term commitment and you don't want to make a mistake that will be hell to fix. Follow your heart, You need to sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him exactly what you've said above. I give you a ton of credit to realize this now before it was too late. Honestly, there is no gentle way to overcome this no matter what it will be spit fire for the both of you. However, You need to know that you only live life once and you need to listen to yourself only you know what is best for you.
Please send a message if you need any more support or have any more questions. :)
-BahaiMa22
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The best way to tell him is to just sit him down and tell him. Make sure to let him know that you really want to be in love with him, but you aren't. Make sure to tell him that it's best for the both of you because if it's not love then it will end in divorce.
It's not a lot of advice, but just make sure to let him know how much you appreciate everything he does for you and that you truly appreciate the years you've had together. That way his self-esteem doesn't get battered and he won't be afraid to meet new people after everything is said and done.
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