|
I don't feel emotions or guilt, what's up with me?
When I was 10 years old I used to go to a private christian school, and the teacher was a real bitch. I have never really have been interested in playing with other children, so I used to go play by myself in the playground and go across the field and lie around over there. My principal/school teacher noticed, and she would always get on my case. She'd take me out of class and lecture me for literally over an hour, talking about how my heart must heart, and how lonely and sad and deprived I must feel, and didn't I care about things?
This school always gave us long homework, filled with bible verses I'd have to spend hours memorizing. I've always been lazy, and one day I got an idea on how to get out of my homework and told my mother that I wanted to die and felt depressed, and all sorts of things I had seen depressed people say online and what my teacher had told me I felt. My mother pulled me out of school immediately, and took me to see a counselor. I was rapt.
I was worried about realism, so I continued it on and on, and even acted strangely at my new school to make it seem very real. I looked online, at fictions and forums were depressed and socially dead people gathered and mimicked them. I pretended to try to choke myself with curtains at school, I cut at my arm with scissors and pinched myself and I wrote poetry about how I wanted to die, which I gave to my teacher to read. My new principal got involved and tried to help me out and find friends. I made it my goal to score medication from the counselors (I was now also seeing a youth specialist, book writing psychiatrist) and I ended up getting Fluoxetine for my troubles. I was diagnosed with childhood depression and aspergers and avoidant personality like traits.
Yet I continued it, into high school, acting awkwardly and inciting pity from most of my teachers. Most of my teachers would go out of their way for me, and talk to me during school trips. I almost forgot I was acting, even though I knew all my emotions weren't really there. I never felt a thing. At 14 I changed high schools, and at this one I started to cut out the act, but never truly acting as I am. I started to get bored of school, of having to get up every morning and stick to a routine. My parents were having martial problems (My Father is emotionally, and occasionally physically, abusive) so I tried to take advantage of that, but it didn't work after a while. I faked a suicide attempt, knowing it would get me out of school and also depress my mother, who I was angry at.
It worked and I started to home school, and I saw another psycharatrist, this one a major book writer and youth specialist who even had a school or something named after him, and he diagnosed me with borderline personality traits and found me deeply insecure and almost anhedonic (I was hinting heavily at how I felt, and dropped hints and told a truth; I honestly couldn't be bothered. I still think he got it wrong by a long shot, as my emotionless doesn't stem from depression).
I saw my old one, who diagnosed me with the same old same old. After a while at home I got an idea of tricking the teachers in the school into thinking I was anorexic, so I talked to my mum and got back into school. I tricked students into thinking I had a eating disorder, but in the end I got annoyed as I had been away for to long. I didn't know what they liked or how to act as it had been almost a year, and I couldn't be bothered with it all so I faked depression and got out back into home schooling.
During this I was not thinking in the mindset and plotting way I do now and have in the past; but though I cried I felt absolutely nothing at all.
My Father is emotionally abusive and has hit me before for stupid reasons, such as throwing a picture away he liked, or sitting in 'his' chair. For revenge while we were away on holiday I pretended to be drunk and high (my eyeballs were burnt, which were a plus). I knew drunk people revealed secrets, so I planned.
I was speaking to a young mother, and before I did mention anything she said that she thought I must be very sad by the way I spoke. So I lied, and I faked a past and told her all my friends had ditched me after I gained weight, and 'confessed' how insecure I was. She comforted me, and I then told her about my dad. I lied about my emotions, but not about his acts. She was shocked and thought he was crazy.
He is. He thinks he can speak to god and sees angels, demons and the dead. When I was a child he told me that the dead would crawl into the bed with him and walk through the house. When I was younger I would have nightmares on a daily basis. When I was younger he told me he saw demons in my eyes.
At youth group I got the attention of a young leader, who wishes to be a counselor and stills sees me today. She thinks herself a good judge of emotion and character, and thinks that I am insecure and shy. I told her I saw things, and she fell for it and told me I have a special gift.
My parents are divorcing at the moment (more like my mother is making plans and seeing womans refuge behind my fathers back), and I don't feel a thing. I thought I'd feel truimph as
I absolutely despise my father, and I know he'll blame it on me which will make it even more of a victory, but I don't. My mother cries all day and though I comfort her I don't feel sympathy or anything. I looked through her emails to see what was going on with her leaving my father, and she was talking with her friend how messed up I was because of it. I told her I lied a year ago, but I know she most likely doesn't believe me.
I don't feel emotions or guilt, and it's as if I am just a shell with a mind. I can't be bothered brushing my hair and going out to places, and I contemplate suicide because I am honestly bored out of my mind.
For the record, my emotionless is not the sad kind, but the literal just no emotions at all kind. There is nothing, and I am not even worried or bothered about my mind set. Merely curious as to how people will view it.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
I find myself actually finding myself in this. I have a nice home, but an emotionally abusive brother (which is the extent of that aspect) and wasn't sent to a bible school. I have never felt anything before for as long as I remember. For years, I'd tricked myself into thinking that I could if I tried, so I tried and I was stuck with faux emotion until I finally woke up and realized that this wasn't a dream that I could control by wishing it away. It's reality and reality's a bitch. I hang with people and most people don't have a problem with me, but I don't have any real connection with them, just ones I've fabricated for convenience of entertainment. I've done drugs before, but defiantly never went out of my way to get any. It has always been done out of convenience or boredom. That and I am suicidal out of pure boredum and lack of reason to live. No one would miss me for long and I think that it's greedy for me to live without a purpose and force myself on others for my survival. I don't necessarily care, it's more that I don't want to bother people since I may need them later.
So coming from my perspective, a purely emotionless, unswayable standpoint, you seem fine to me. I've gotten by all these years, why should you be any different?
]
your story is very interesting. based on the fact that you dont feel emotion i would say there is deffinately something wrong with your mental health. you possibly could be depressed when i was depressed i felt the same way: blank i wasnt sad, i just felt nothing, so i think with all the counselors you see/seen you should tell them this story. regaurdless if you have any of the disorders they have diagnosed you with there is something wrong.
i hope you figure things out:)
]
I’ve read your story about 10 times and I have to be honest, i am quite intrigued by your perceptions. When you were young you didn’t play with other children. Why? Were they cruel to you? Did they provoke your disliking or you being completely uninterested in them?
I understand your laziness, i was quite the bum myself at that age, and i used to make up stuff to get out of doing homework. Believe me, there isn’t a story I haven’t tried, except yours. You say you were emotionless back then, then why care about not having finished homework?
I’m very curious as to what drove you to not go for the my dog ate my homework trick or just simple procrastination. were you, as you say, bored or looking for attention? Im going with the first, because of your self-proclaimed lack of emotion.
Being bored with a million things to do happens to anyone. I have to work my arse off this year because ill fail if I don’t. Yet I’m sitting here reading your life story, or atleast I think I am. Not because I cant be bothered because every 2 minutes i have a slight stressful thought about tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that. I take it you don’t.
Another thing that keeps coming back, is your constant desire to fool people, and make them look ridiculous by misleading their judgment. However, you don't confront them, the only audience is you. You have no faith whatsoever in the psychiatric branch I presume, since you obviously are under the impression you led them on. Does this continuous mocking confirm your superiority?
So yea, what ís up with you?
I get the impression that you feel superior to everyone and everything. Maybe you’re not really that special and being this way gives you a so-called cool factor. Maybe you’re a genius and you need some kind of challenge to keep you from being the twisted and frankly somewhat scary person that you are. No offense ofcourse.
Well, this was fun.
By th way, I'm not a psychiatrist, nor old enough to actually know what I’m talking about.
I guess I’m just a little bored.
]
There is definitely something going on that the counselors are missing. Everything you have done most people would never do, or even think of doing. To feel no emotions at all is very serious. When you feel no emotions, you can't judge what is good or bad, right or wrong, etc. Are you sure something didn't happen when you were very little that you may have blocked from your memory? Many times it is a very traumatic experience/s that can cause this. I would suggest finding a very good psychotherapist, not just a counselor, and even try a hypnotherapist. I know with the way you feel it's most likely you won't pursue these things, but if you don't want to be an "empty shell", please try it.
]
More Questions: |