Member Since: February 2, 2008
Answers: 6
Last Update: February 17, 2009
Visitors: 1196
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When I was 10 years old I used to go to a private christian school, and the teacher was a real bitch. I have never really have been interested in playing with other children, so I used to go play by myself in the playground and go across the field and lie around over there. My principal/school teacher noticed, and she would always get on my case. She'd take me out of class and lecture me for literally over an hour, talking about how my heart must heart, and how lonely and sad and deprived I must feel, and didn't I care about things?
This school always gave us long homework, filled with bible verses I'd have to spend hours memorizing. I've always been lazy, and one day I got an idea on how to get out of my homework and told my mother that I wanted to die and felt depressed, and all sorts of things I had seen depressed people say online and what my teacher had told me I felt. My mother pulled me out of school immediately, and took me to see a counselor. I was rapt.
I was worried about realism, so I continued it on and on, and even acted strangely at my new school to make it seem very real. I looked online, at fictions and forums were depressed and socially dead people gathered and mimicked them. I pretended to try to choke myself with curtains at school, I cut at my arm with scissors and pinched myself and I wrote poetry about how I wanted to die, which I gave to my teacher to read. My new principal got involved and tried to help me out and find friends. I made it my goal to score medication from the counselors (I was now also seeing a youth specialist, book writing psychiatrist) and I ended up getting Fluoxetine for my troubles. I was diagnosed with childhood depression and aspergers and avoidant personality like traits.
Yet I continued it, into high school, acting awkwardly and inciting pity from most of my teachers. Most of my teachers would go out of their way for me, and talk to me during school trips. I almost forgot I was acting, even though I knew all my emotions weren't really there. I never felt a thing. At 14 I changed high schools, and at this one I started to cut out the act, but never truly acting as I am. I started to get bored of school, of having to get up every morning and stick to a routine. My parents were having martial problems (My Father is emotionally, and occasionally physically, abusive) so I tried to take advantage of that, but it didn't work after a while. I faked a suicide attempt, knowing it would get me out of school and also depress my mother, who I was angry at.
It worked and I started to home school, and I saw another psycharatrist, this one a major book writer and youth specialist who even had a school or something named after him, and he diagnosed me with borderline personality traits and found me deeply insecure and almost anhedonic (I was hinting heavily at how I felt, and dropped hints and told a truth; I honestly couldn't be bothered. I still think he got it wrong by a long shot, as my emotionless doesn't stem from depression).
I saw my old one, who diagnosed me with the same old same old. After a while at home I got an idea of tricking the teachers in the school into thinking I was anorexic, so I talked to my mum and got back into school. I tricked students into thinking I had a eating disorder, but in the end I got annoyed as I had been away for to long. I didn't know what they liked or how to act as it had been almost a year, and I couldn't be bothered with it all so I faked depression and got out back into home schooling.
During this I was not thinking in the mindset and plotting way I do now and have in the past; but though I cried I felt absolutely nothing at all.
My Father is emotionally abusive and has hit me before for stupid reasons, such as throwing a picture away he liked, or sitting in 'his' chair. For revenge while we were away on holiday I pretended to be drunk and high (my eyeballs were burnt, which were a plus). I knew drunk people revealed secrets, so I planned.
I was speaking to a young mother, and before I did mention anything she said that she thought I must be very sad by the way I spoke. So I lied, and I faked a past and told her all my friends had ditched me after I gained weight, and 'confessed' how insecure I was. She comforted me, and I then told her about my dad. I lied about my emotions, but not about his acts. She was shocked and thought he was crazy.
He is. He thinks he can speak to god and sees angels, demons and the dead. When I was a child he told me that the dead would crawl into the bed with him and walk through the house. When I was younger I would have nightmares on a daily basis. When I was younger he told me he saw demons in my eyes.
At youth group I got the attention of a young leader, who wishes to be a counselor and stills sees me today. She thinks herself a good judge of emotion and character, and thinks that I am insecure and shy. I told her I saw things, and she fell for it and told me I have a special gift.
My parents are divorcing at the moment (more like my mother is making plans and seeing womans refuge behind my fathers back), and I don't feel a thing. I thought I'd feel truimph as
I absolutely despise my father, and I know he'll blame it on me which will make it even more of a victory, but I don't. My mother cries all day and though I comfort her I don't feel sympathy or anything. I looked through her emails to see what was going on with her leaving my father, and she was talking with her friend how messed up I was because of it. I told her I lied a year ago, but I know she most likely doesn't believe me.
I don't feel emotions or guilt, and it's as if I am just a shell with a mind. I can't be bothered brushing my hair and going out to places, and I contemplate suicide because I am honestly bored out of my mind.
For the record, my emotionless is not the sad kind, but the literal just no emotions at all kind. There is nothing, and I am not even worried or bothered about my mind set. Merely curious as to how people will view it. (link)
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I’ve read your story about 10 times and I have to be honest, i am quite intrigued by your perceptions. When you were young you didn’t play with other children. Why? Were they cruel to you? Did they provoke your disliking or you being completely uninterested in them?
I understand your laziness, i was quite the bum myself at that age, and i used to make up stuff to get out of doing homework. Believe me, there isn’t a story I haven’t tried, except yours. You say you were emotionless back then, then why care about not having finished homework?
I’m very curious as to what drove you to not go for the my dog ate my homework trick or just simple procrastination. were you, as you say, bored or looking for attention? Im going with the first, because of your self-proclaimed lack of emotion.
Being bored with a million things to do happens to anyone. I have to work my arse off this year because ill fail if I don’t. Yet I’m sitting here reading your life story, or atleast I think I am. Not because I cant be bothered because every 2 minutes i have a slight stressful thought about tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and the day after that. I take it you don’t.
Another thing that keeps coming back, is your constant desire to fool people, and make them look ridiculous by misleading their judgment. However, you don't confront them, the only audience is you. You have no faith whatsoever in the psychiatric branch I presume, since you obviously are under the impression you led them on. Does this continuous mocking confirm your superiority?
So yea, what ís up with you?
I get the impression that you feel superior to everyone and everything. Maybe you’re not really that special and being this way gives you a so-called cool factor. Maybe you’re a genius and you need some kind of challenge to keep you from being the twisted and frankly somewhat scary person that you are. No offense ofcourse.
Well, this was fun.
By th way, I'm not a psychiatrist, nor old enough to actually know what I’m talking about.
I guess I’m just a little bored.
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How do I stop cutting myself. People say to hold ice but that doesn't work. I see a srink but nothing seems to be working. I just want to stop feeling so worthless. I want to feel good in my on skin... with out hurting myself. But it seems like that is the only way. What now??? (link)
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hi honey,
i know a lot of people will tell you that cutting yourself is wrong. i used to selfharm myself, so i of all people know that whenever people tell you this you're like...duh?
its very important that you come to terms with yourself when you actually cut yourself. try to force a revelation on yourself. whenever i cut myself i looked in the mirror and asked myself the question: what the fuck are you doing? why the fuck are you doing it? and i would immediatly stop cutting since i was so distracted by my own thoughts. you dont have to answer these questions to yourself, just ask them in your head, and look yourself in the eye in the mirror. what i then did, was get a piece of paper, write down the date and time, and all the things i felt bad about that day, EVERYTHING. put that piece of paper under your pillow, or beside your bed or somewhere where mommy or daddy wont find it.
after that, and i know this is hard, you HAVE to distract yourself. clean your wounds maybe? this is very important too, because i used to skip that and one of my cuts got really infected and it smelled like a dead rat.
anyway, repeat all the above things after you cut, whether its one time a day, or three times or five times.
the next morning you have to analyse the things you wrote down, drive yourself to do that. for me, it made me realise why i was cutting which was often after i was harassed, or being looked at for my somewhat plump appearance, or getting an F on something i worked really hard on. i figured i was trying to punish myself for things i couldnt really be held responsible for! i was 16 at the time, which is a vulnarable age. i stopped cutting when i was 19, and even though my body wears the scars, i never want or need to cut myself again. i know this isnt really solution to your problem, more of a self-help therapeutic tool that you can try when you cant contact your shrink.
xx
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In that song "Brimful Of Asha" by Cornershop.
What does it even mean?
"Brimful of Asha on the 45"
I get that a 45 is a record... so whats an Asha?
Like a band or something??
Yeah.
(link)
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i always thought it had something to do with her boobs :P you know, when you play a record and you dance to it your breasts...wiggle?
thats what i thought whenever i heard 'bosom for a pillow' line :P i figured that brimful of asha meant like heavy clevage or something....
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i have this friend, lets call her A. we're pretty good friends, but shes's more um...open to guys than me. don't get me wrong i can flirt and be very friendly with guys but she like sits on their laps and hooks up alot. she's really pretty.
heres my problem:
i feel like whenever i go somewhere and meet a guy with my other friends he supposedly tells my friends he "likes" me and wanted to go on a date or something. when i hang out with her the guy told my friends he "likes" her and denied ever liking me. shes really nice to me but she hooks up with alot of guys and she has hooked up with one of our good friend's guy (they werent officially going out but she knew she liked him) im kinda scared cause i dont want her to do that with this guy i really like, i think he likes me too and im afraid she'll ruin it because shes really pretty and a bit more easier than me. what should i do?
17/f
incase you were wondering. (link)
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Okay, first of all, in case your worried that if you stay her friend you'll never get a date:
boys your age are very shallow and inconsiderate. With a few exceptions but only a few. You'll notice that as you get older most of them will go for someone that sticks.
When i was younger i had the same problem and i always tried to avoid the two (my pretty friend and my crush) from meeting. But now I'm like, hey, if this guy likes me, or atleast gives me the impression that he likes me, why would he go for the next best (prettier) thing? If he would, then either he isnt that in to me, or he's really really immature, and clearly not ready for a steady relationship. In that case you'll just have to move on. Its no use to put energy and effort in something or someone that wont budge.
However, if that guy gives you signs that he likes you, and he tries to be around you, you shouldnt be worried that he will spontaniously lose interest in you after seeing your pretty friend. Maybe he's one of the few that sticks?
I hope I made some sense, I really do get where you're coming from.
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Hey, I am 13/female. One day during lunch, my friends Rachel and Mandy had an argument. WEll it went like this: Another of my friends Sonia told Mandy to shut up because Mandy said Rachel and another friend Veronica sucked at dancing and singing. She was just joking and I can tell, but I dont think that Sonia realized it. So then Mandy got mad and went to sit by herself. Rachel went by and I didnt go because I was too afraid. I thought she got it all under control, but then me and another friend Carmen went back there and asked her if she wanted to join us. She said no. Then we asked her if she was okay, and she was like no. And then she burst out in tears. \
Afterschool, Rachel sent Mandy an email apologizing at first then the rest was an insult. This got Mandy even madder. What should I do about this? (link)
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Rachel en Mandy had an arguement.
Mandy said Rachel en Veronica sucked at dancing and singing.
Sonia got mad and told Mandy to shut up.
Mandy got mad and Rachel joined her.
My best advice is to keep out of this. People who try to make things right always end up being told to butt out by both parties. Trust me, I know.
However, if you do want to help try and be honest about what you think of the situation. I mean telling someone they 'suck' at something, even as a joke, is really very rude. Sometimes people do not understand that, and telling them that can be experienced as somewhat patronizing.
I dont see how Rachel owes Mandy an apology since Mandy obviously insulted her first.
So, what you got here is Rachel and Sonia pissed at Mandy, and Mandy pissed at Rachel. Not something I would be keen on interfering with.
So bottom line: this is something they will have to work out with eachother. Oh, and try not to pick sides, girls your age usually dont respond well to that.
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i'm not a nice person. dont give me advice like "omg just lyk act nice." yeah i think ive tried that before thanks.
so yesterday i went shopping all day with my mom. it was so much fun and i enjoyed it a lot. but then later that night her boyfriend came over, watched a movie with her, and slept over. so then the next day is mothers day (today) and im like "mom c'mon its mothers day. i dont want to spend mothers day with my mother and her boyfriend. i just want to spend it with my mother." actually i dont think i said that. it was more "why cant he leave" but whatever.
anyways she said thatd "itd be rude to say he cant come to brunch with us" so i unwillingly went to mothers day brunch with my mom and her boyfriend and i ignored them whenever they said anything to me and i figured hed leave after brunch. but no. then they went to go buy a grill while i stayed home watching will and grace.
so they came back from buying a grill like 3 or 4 hours later and my mom is like "whats wrong why wont you smile or talk" and i said "because i dont like your boyfriend. hes wasting your time." (they've been together for 6 years and he refuses to propose and i just think she deserves better.)
anyways so today me and my mom planned to see 'baby mama' because it seemed fitting for mothers day. well, i told her i didnt want to go. and then she asked what kind of pizza i wanted and i said i didnt want any.
its mothers day. and my mom deserves so much better. i should accept her boyfriend being here and just treat her nicely but i cant seem to do that.
sorry its so long but i thought the story needed to be said so you can see how awful i really am before you give me advice on what to do about my terrible attitude i always give people.
happy mothers day. (link)
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its hard to judge wether youre a horrible person from just one event, but in this case i dont see why youre a bad person at all. i mean, yeah, the things you said sound a bit harsh, but its the reason why you said them that compensates that.
you dont like your mothers boyfriend. does she even want to marry him? i mean six years is a loooong time for a relationship, and from what i have seen most divorced couples dont want to marry again because they think the whole marriage thing is jinxed.
why would she deserve better if the guy wants spend 4 hours with her buying a grill? who wants to buy a grill? who would volunteer for something lame like that? I know i wouldnt, and neither would my dad. + will&grace is 10000x more fun than grill shopping in my opinion.
you obviously like your mom a lot, and you're kind of jealous of the time she spends with her boyfriend. So yea, there is something wrong with you, but unfortunately its nothing special. Try telling your mom what you wrote down here, not trying to be dr. Phil here but tell people how you feel before giving them attitude. Sometimes people really appreciate that kind of honesty and this way they can understand your feelings better.
good luck.
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