Member Since: November 28, 2009
Answers: 7
Last Update: June 5, 2010
Visitors: 1131
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When I was 10 years old I used to go to a private christian school, and the teacher was a real bitch. I have never really have been interested in playing with other children, so I used to go play by myself in the playground and go across the field and lie around over there. My principal/school teacher noticed, and she would always get on my case. She'd take me out of class and lecture me for literally over an hour, talking about how my heart must heart, and how lonely and sad and deprived I must feel, and didn't I care about things?
This school always gave us long homework, filled with bible verses I'd have to spend hours memorizing. I've always been lazy, and one day I got an idea on how to get out of my homework and told my mother that I wanted to die and felt depressed, and all sorts of things I had seen depressed people say online and what my teacher had told me I felt. My mother pulled me out of school immediately, and took me to see a counselor. I was rapt.
I was worried about realism, so I continued it on and on, and even acted strangely at my new school to make it seem very real. I looked online, at fictions and forums were depressed and socially dead people gathered and mimicked them. I pretended to try to choke myself with curtains at school, I cut at my arm with scissors and pinched myself and I wrote poetry about how I wanted to die, which I gave to my teacher to read. My new principal got involved and tried to help me out and find friends. I made it my goal to score medication from the counselors (I was now also seeing a youth specialist, book writing psychiatrist) and I ended up getting Fluoxetine for my troubles. I was diagnosed with childhood depression and aspergers and avoidant personality like traits.
Yet I continued it, into high school, acting awkwardly and inciting pity from most of my teachers. Most of my teachers would go out of their way for me, and talk to me during school trips. I almost forgot I was acting, even though I knew all my emotions weren't really there. I never felt a thing. At 14 I changed high schools, and at this one I started to cut out the act, but never truly acting as I am. I started to get bored of school, of having to get up every morning and stick to a routine. My parents were having martial problems (My Father is emotionally, and occasionally physically, abusive) so I tried to take advantage of that, but it didn't work after a while. I faked a suicide attempt, knowing it would get me out of school and also depress my mother, who I was angry at.
It worked and I started to home school, and I saw another psycharatrist, this one a major book writer and youth specialist who even had a school or something named after him, and he diagnosed me with borderline personality traits and found me deeply insecure and almost anhedonic (I was hinting heavily at how I felt, and dropped hints and told a truth; I honestly couldn't be bothered. I still think he got it wrong by a long shot, as my emotionless doesn't stem from depression).
I saw my old one, who diagnosed me with the same old same old. After a while at home I got an idea of tricking the teachers in the school into thinking I was anorexic, so I talked to my mum and got back into school. I tricked students into thinking I had a eating disorder, but in the end I got annoyed as I had been away for to long. I didn't know what they liked or how to act as it had been almost a year, and I couldn't be bothered with it all so I faked depression and got out back into home schooling.
During this I was not thinking in the mindset and plotting way I do now and have in the past; but though I cried I felt absolutely nothing at all.
My Father is emotionally abusive and has hit me before for stupid reasons, such as throwing a picture away he liked, or sitting in 'his' chair. For revenge while we were away on holiday I pretended to be drunk and high (my eyeballs were burnt, which were a plus). I knew drunk people revealed secrets, so I planned.
I was speaking to a young mother, and before I did mention anything she said that she thought I must be very sad by the way I spoke. So I lied, and I faked a past and told her all my friends had ditched me after I gained weight, and 'confessed' how insecure I was. She comforted me, and I then told her about my dad. I lied about my emotions, but not about his acts. She was shocked and thought he was crazy.
He is. He thinks he can speak to god and sees angels, demons and the dead. When I was a child he told me that the dead would crawl into the bed with him and walk through the house. When I was younger I would have nightmares on a daily basis. When I was younger he told me he saw demons in my eyes.
At youth group I got the attention of a young leader, who wishes to be a counselor and stills sees me today. She thinks herself a good judge of emotion and character, and thinks that I am insecure and shy. I told her I saw things, and she fell for it and told me I have a special gift.
My parents are divorcing at the moment (more like my mother is making plans and seeing womans refuge behind my fathers back), and I don't feel a thing. I thought I'd feel truimph as
I absolutely despise my father, and I know he'll blame it on me which will make it even more of a victory, but I don't. My mother cries all day and though I comfort her I don't feel sympathy or anything. I looked through her emails to see what was going on with her leaving my father, and she was talking with her friend how messed up I was because of it. I told her I lied a year ago, but I know she most likely doesn't believe me.
I don't feel emotions or guilt, and it's as if I am just a shell with a mind. I can't be bothered brushing my hair and going out to places, and I contemplate suicide because I am honestly bored out of my mind.
For the record, my emotionless is not the sad kind, but the literal just no emotions at all kind. There is nothing, and I am not even worried or bothered about my mind set. Merely curious as to how people will view it. (link)
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I find myself actually finding myself in this. I have a nice home, but an emotionally abusive brother (which is the extent of that aspect) and wasn't sent to a bible school. I have never felt anything before for as long as I remember. For years, I'd tricked myself into thinking that I could if I tried, so I tried and I was stuck with faux emotion until I finally woke up and realized that this wasn't a dream that I could control by wishing it away. It's reality and reality's a bitch. I hang with people and most people don't have a problem with me, but I don't have any real connection with them, just ones I've fabricated for convenience of entertainment. I've done drugs before, but defiantly never went out of my way to get any. It has always been done out of convenience or boredom. That and I am suicidal out of pure boredum and lack of reason to live. No one would miss me for long and I think that it's greedy for me to live without a purpose and force myself on others for my survival. I don't necessarily care, it's more that I don't want to bother people since I may need them later.
So coming from my perspective, a purely emotionless, unswayable standpoint, you seem fine to me. I've gotten by all these years, why should you be any different?
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I'm a 15 year old male living in Australia and attending junior high school.
I've noticed that I don't feel emotions properly. Sure, stuff happens to me that should provoke things like sadness or hysteria, but it doesn't. I don't feel anything. The strange thing is, I can feel anger to its fullest. I can be furious at whomever I want at any given time, whatever the situation, and when I get too angry, I use violence to get things the way I want them to be.
But other things, like happiness, I can't feel - and if I'd felt it before, I don't remember. All I ever feel is anger, even when it's about small things.
I have no idea when this came about, but I first realised when my grandmother died around six years ago. She was real important to me once, but when I heard she'd passed on, I didn't feel anything.
Day after day I find myself lying and acting to feign emotions when they aren't there. I learn to fake them by watching people in everyday life and their reactions. This bores me from time to time but I know I need to do it since it's the only way for me to appear normal and fit in with society.
I just want to know if there's any way I could actually feel something real for once, rather than baseless anger. I feel awfully uncomfortable talking to psychologists face to face, so I'm not sure counseling would be a good idea. Will I be empty of anything but anger forever? (link)
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Hey I'm 15 now and welcome to my world ever since I could remember. I hate to tell you this, but you might not be able to. I myself have tried everything possible within my power to feel again and there is no solution that I have found or heard of. I simply turned this into a gift.
Think about it: you don't have the emotional stress others have, your emotional influence cannot cloud your judgement (simply because the emotion part doesn't exist), just things like that.
As for the anger thing...I don't know. That part makes this unique. You feel nothing EXCEPT for anger if I understand correctly. That actually puzzles me
hope I helped
-Xehanort
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I can't feel any real emotion all my relationships are based on how well i fakemy emotions. I noticed you responded to somene elses question about that awhile ago(googled it). i was wondering if you ever found a way to feel human again? (link)
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I'm sorry to disappoint but I'm still trying to figure that out :\ it's not pleasant but look on the bright side; you don't deal with the pain and stress (mostly for the stress part) that others would collapse under. I don't think that this could be "cured" or whatever you want to call it/
sorry :\
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ahh . i c , sorry late reply , keep forgetting to go on gmail ?! x))) . anyways , i think this kinda suckss , cause whenever i'm like ME to myself and not ME to everyone else , [ i hope you get wha i mean ] they're all like omg whats wrong with her ? are you okay ? you look so sad . -__-" really come on . it's likee i can't be myself without people thinking i'm not myself because i'm acting myself !!! [ again i hope you get what i mean ]! (link)
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I totally understand where you're coming from. I know that people consider me their friend but honestly none have ever seen who I really am. Some people sense there's something off about me and those are the only people who don't like me. Otherwise I can adjust myself to make myself accepted by all just for more social ease but eventually people see through it and start to hate me for lying about who I am. It's a constant cycle of crap that I deal with but it's easier than just being on my own. I've tried around some of my "old friends" and they wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong with me -_-""
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ahhhhaaaa . i was like that's pretty gross if you didd do it with your therapists . ANYWAYSSS ; does this ' ILLNESS ' make you want to do drugs , causee it certainly does to meee . (link)
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Somewhat. I do pot occasionally (I don't smoke it I eat in in brownies) but other than that no. It wasn't my 'illness' that made me want to it was more I never got the chance to try it till recently and I found myself to seem more normal when I'm wasted (and of course everything becomes entertaining). So yeah it's a yes and no.
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when you said ' i fuck with them ' does that mean you do it with them or joke around , because i was like wow . lol. (link)
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I mean that as in messing with them lol yeah I have a bad habit of messing with people's heads mostly because I can :D
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Hello I'm a 14 year old freshman who has the EXACT same issue as you. I've looked into the same diagnosis as well. The key difference is, however, I remember the last thing I felt. I don't remember what caused it and I've gone through many therapists trying to figure this out, so I'm convinced that I will never genuinely know what caused that pain that made me into the thing I am. Over my time of emotional numbness, I've grown to observe people as they really are. To see past what they claim to be, to see what people really are, and to learn what I know about social interactions so I can fit into society when I need to. It's all so abstract to me, I even normally have trouble comprehending these situations that most would find humorous. I'm a natural musician and a man of theater, so I have no trouble just going through the motions without showing what's really going through my head, it's just understanding it in the first place has me stumped. I can't do therapy considering my entertainment is to fuck with therapists (hence the many I have gone through). I too am seeking an answer to this curse (gift according to you) and if I find an answer if there's a way to give me that which I have been deprived of for probably 12-13 years now (time range based on how well my memory of everything back then is). Just thought I'd let you know of another person with the same affliction as you.
-Xehanort
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