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It hurts me, but I can't let him go:
13/F
Ughh boys... Here's the thing, I am going to try to explain my very cobfusing relationship with Dave in just a few sentences. He likes me (of this I am almost 99% sure) and I like him ALOT. It sounds simple, and it should be, but its not... It started out as friendship, I REALLY opened up to Dave and I learned sooo much about him, and we sort of became something. However, when school started, Dave's friends were really getting on him about it, calling us things like "the couple that isn't dating" and some people even asked me if I was dating him... And I guess this really bugged Dave, because he started ignoring me and it hurt alot. He would ignore me at school, at football games, at friends houses, and he even blocked me online. I confronted him about it and asked him to explain. He told me that his friends were giving him a ton of crap about "us being together" he said at first he tried to ignore it because he really liked me but he just couldn't take it because he really didn't want a girlfriend at the moment. He said he was sorry and that he didn't care anymore, and things were back to normal. Well not normal because we both knew we liked eachother but we wouldnt do anything about it, but it was normal for us. At spread out times we would go for a bit where he would ignore me, but I just never brought it up because it only lasted a few days and I didn't want to appear obsessed (even though I was). Then it would go back to what we called normal (talking 24/7 and walking to class together and hanging out during lunch and going to eachother games etc..) I
couldn't understand that we acted like a couple, but he claimed he didn't want a girlfriend... I just never questioned it. Oh and btw, I don't think he was avoiding claiming us as a couple to avoid being "tied down" or anything like that, he isn't that kind of boy, haha trust me. He has never had a girlfriend before and I think the reason he is refraining is because we are still so young and he may b moving at the end of the year (but that is still so far away...) anyway, at the moment we are in kind of in between "ignore you" and "pretty much together". And I am really just starting to think "what's the point?" all this is doing is hurting me and I don't want to do it anymore. But the thing is... I don't think I CAN just forget about it, if it hurts this much when he ignores me for a few days, I don't even want to think about how painful it would be if I had to let him go... I dont think I can. I'm just so confused!!! Its literally driving me nuts!!! I am CONSTANTLY thinking about him, and everytime I am angry with him he has this uncanny ability to make me adore him all over again, and he isn't even trying to!!! I WANT to forget about him because its hurts to be in the kind of relationship we are in, but I can't because I like him so much!! I know its not healthy and I know he doesn't want a girlfriend but I can't help thinking that maybe someday he will... I can't stop myself from believing we will finally become a real something, and not just a "something" or that we will sometime soon be together instead of "being together". And what if I don't want to give up, and I don't know what I want at all? I don't know what to do. I know we won't be something (or will we???) but how am I going to give it all up? I love being close to him, and although our relationship is painful... I don't think I would ever be able to handle just being friends or anything like that. Please help me, I really don't know what to do...
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17/F
Ugh, I know exactly how you feel...
I'm 17 years old and dealing with a 18 year old guy I've known for a year and he's one of my best friends.
I just can't seem to give him up. The only difference between my situation and mine is that we never went through the ignoring stage that you and your boy have gone through...I'm sorry you have to go through that...It's heartbreaking.
There's always this feeling that, "Oh well if I wait a little longer, or spend more time with him he's sure to come around and finally want a relationship with me..." Most of my guy friends (I have a lot of guy friends for some reason) are telling me to give up on him, but I just have this feeling in my gut that something's gonna happen...Or is it? A painful thought process that never ends. Will something happen or will it not?
I've already talked to him about everything and it always ends up as like, "I don't know, or I haven't really thought about it." But he's told me he likes me and he's attracted to me. Even when I was alone over his house, watching a movie with him, on his bed, laying on his shoulder and talking about it, it still seemed kinda hopeless. I told him that I didn't want to do anything with him that would make me like him more, because I didn't want him to be taking advantage of me..Our feelings not being the same and we weren't talking as more than friends. So we didn't kiss or anything, although he kept being flirty and asking me to go and take a shower with him. Lol, he really is a stupid confusing boy that I've liked so much and I feel myself giving up on him. It's kind of a good feeling but also a defeated feeling too.
My mother said that if we have the tension between us that she thinks that we do, then maybe as I start to fall away from him, he'll realize what's going on and be like, "Wait wait! Come back!" But if that doesn't happen, either way you're moving on, and there will be someone else(even though for such a long time I felt he was the one for me). And it doesn't help that one of my guy friends is still always saying, "He's just acting up...You guys are gonna sort out everything by the end of the year and you're gonna get married one day." Also, even if things don't turn out the way I want them to with him, I'm glad he's around and I'm glad I had this experience because I'm sure it'll benefit me in the future.
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I know this is hard for you but you just need to calm down. Me and one of my best friends hang out like that all the time at first people gave us crap for that but we just ignored it (something it seems you've or he has already tried) then guess what we went out and it was great but after a while we decided it wasn't working and broke up. So then we went back to hanging out like before and again people gave us crap for it and again we ignored them and now we're reeeeeeeeally good friends and people don't give a crap and we're both dating other people. so that was a reeeally long way of saying just ask him out if he sais no then confront him and tell him that you want to hang out and i would like you too just ignore whatever kind of crap we get. Eventually it will blow over trust me. Well i hope this helped bye!
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You're 13, I'm 24, and first of all don't let anyone you get an advice from, here or otherwise, talk down to you or tell you that you're too young to feel what you're feeling. A lot of people, including parents, don't take the problems of young people, especially young women such as yourself, seriously. And they should, because we all face the same issues in relationships, more or less, no matter how old we are.
The bad part is that this sort of relationship drama will continue for the rest of your life. It happens to almost everybody. It sucks. It's horrible to feel so confused. This bizarre "does he or doesn't he" relationship limbo is just as common at 13 as it is at 23 or 33. But enough with the pessimism. Let's see if we can work through this problem with Dave (if this is Dave's real name you should defintely change it btw, as anyone can access this site).
First of all, Dave is a 13 year old boy. Girls and boys mature at different rates, and girls are much more likely to take dating seriously at this age. Some guys who hit puberty later don't even "like" girls yet at 13! We assume Dave likes girls, and likes you. This is also a socially awkward age for both girls and boys. In trying to figure out how to understand the emotions of growing up, dating, and forming teenage friendships, boys and girls are going to do silly, immature and hurtful things to each other. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was your age. Simply put, Dave didn't know what to do, and was feeling all sorts of emotions. He liked you, but didn't like that his friends teased him. Why did they tease him? Probably a combination of jealousy and immaturity. Being 13 means being confused and unable to express what you're going through, especially for boys. So Dave decided to cut off contact with you for a time. He decided to deal with the situation like a 13 year old - that is to say, stupidly. But plenty of 18 year olds and 28 year olds have done the same!
Dave has never had a girlfriend, and he might be moving away, and he is probably a bit nervous about what a "relationship" would be like. And, like you thoughtfully noted, you're both very young. He doesn't know what to do about you, so he does nothing. He acts like a boyfriend some of the time, and ignores you some of the time. He makes no permanent decisions. He's just as confused as you, believe me.
No, you will not be able to forget about him. You were right to say you're obsessed with him, and there's nothing wrong with that. Whenever you have a strong crush at any age, it's natural to think about that person all the time. There is a movie out now called "He's Just Not That Into You." It looks like a terrible movie full of dating cliches for people much older than you. A lot of people will say, "if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, he's just not that into you!" But that's not the case when you're a 13 year old boy. He may be really into you, but is so confused about the whole situation that he has no idea how to act. He's afraid of what his friends will say, and he's afraid of what a relationship might be like. On the other hand, it's possible he is just playing you, leading you along and testing the dating waters. You have to ask yourself which it is, and see if your girl friends can help you figure it out. I don't know Dave well enough to answer that question, but it's one of the two.
So, what should you do about Dave? First, you must confront him and tell him that you like him too much to be in relationship limbo. Tell him you'd like to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and that it hurts too much to be in this vague semi-relationship, because you really like him. Ask him to be totally honest with you. If he admits that he really does want to be your boyfriend, well, enjoy your relationship, but realize that you're very young and it will be a rocky road. If he says he doesn't want a girlfriend (like I'm thinking he will say), then you need to do what's right for you and detach from him. Even if this is not what you want to do, you have to. Don't ignore him, or spread rumors about him or any of that. Act like the mature one, and believe me you'll get a lot of respect and self confidence from it. You can be nice to him, but don't spend time alone with him. Believe me, it WILL suck and it WILL hurt A LOT. You will miss him. But, over time, the pain will go away, slowly. And you and Dave are young. Perhaps when you get a little older Dave will want to date you exclusively. But, if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, don't wait around for him. If you act in a mature manner in dealing with Dave and your feelings, and stay strong for yourself, you'll have many friends and many dates in the years to come. Maybe Dave will one day be your boyfriend, and maybe he won't. But, I promise you, it will hurt a lot less someday.
If you liked my advice, please tell your friends and spread the word. And if you want feel free to continue to ask me questions, on this site or you can email me personally at areaadvicecolumnist at gmail dot com
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