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am i being ridiculous here??
ook. so. im 18/f and my boyfriend is almost 19. we were together a year & a half broke up for awhile and now we've been back together for a few months. ok so some time before we got back together i was looking through his phone [which he doesn't like but he's done it to me and i usually have to beg him to let me see it which automatically makes me suspicious but im pretty positive he wouldnt cheat on me but still. and even if i just want to see it to put a banner on there or look at pictures or anything it's not like i go out of my way to spy on me i pretty much trust him] ANYWAYS his brother and cousins and friends would send him those forwarded texts that have the nude or topless girls or even girls that supposedly are "his brothers friends" that end up being sent to him where the girls are laying there naked or feeling on themselves or whatever. well i told him that those are disgusting and i dont like it and if we got back together then i'd really rather not see those in his phone. well we got back together. today i was looking through his texts to read the funny forwarded ones and stuff and what do i find? a whole SLOO of those forwarded texts of naked girls from people. i felt sooo bad. so i said "i thought i asked to not to have these anymore if we got back together?" and he said "its not my fault people send them to me" but they were locked, so obviously when he deletes his inbox they stay there, but he said thats just so he can forward them on. there was a couple from this one guy who i guess is one of his friends and after them there was a text saying "that's all the ones i have like that" or something along those lines so im wondering if he asks for them? i mean he doesnt seem like the type but.. he doesnt watch porn or anything he's really just not that type. sometimes he'll say something smart like "well you wont let me see yours!" [talking about boobs] but thats not entire true but it sorta is but thats because i was raised to have some respect and i dont like all this trashy stuff! not to mention im very self-conscious even though he tells me im the hottest/most beautiful girl he's been with. BUT STILL am i wrong for being upset at this? i realize he's a guy and blah blah but shouldn't he have some respect for me? and if i say anything about it he either kinda blows it off or brings up the fact that i have posters of guys in my room, but those are like the kind that you pull out of cosmogirl or seventeen where if anything the guy just has his shirt off.. compared to completely topless or nude girls.. i find that pretty different? this whole thing just makes my insides turn, am i completely in the wrong here? thanks & sorry so long! =/
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You are wrong here, because you shouldn't be looking at his phone.
Seriously. Neither of you should be. It's not cute. It's not a necessary part of a relationship. It builds distrust and resentment the moment is becomes an option.
I very much agree with what WittyUsernameHere said about this being what happens when technology out paces maturity, but I'd extend that comment to cover another big problem with new technology and relationships:
Somehow, people have started to think that cell phones, facebook & myspace pages, and even e-mail accounts are the property of BOTH people in the relationship. They aren’t. They are private.
It is illegal to read someone else’s mail. Why we've decided, as a culture, that going through our partners text messages and myspace message is acceptable is beyond me. Because that is also wrong and it’s destructive and contrary to the spirit of a healthy relationship.
You already know it’s wrong. If you thought it was okay, you wouldn’t have a problem showing him your phone, or even your diary or the notes you write to all your family and best friends… or anything at all you’ve ever done!
To assume that he wants to be more physical with you because of these images, well that is not fair or sensible and is rather disrespectful to him. If you think he is an otherwise good guy who adores you, then that is a rather harsh judgment to lay down. I think you did a smart thing in trying to get past this and in telling yourself you don’t have a right to be angry.
The only way you would have the right to be angry is he promised you to get rid of them and then didn’t. That would be wrong because of the lie, not because of the pictures, and it doesn’t sound like that happened
You are absolutely entitled to not like those sorts of images, and he is entitled too like them. Why you find yourself crying out ‘Shouldn’t he have some respect for me?!” remind yourself that respect goes both ways. If you disagree on this, it makes sense not to look on his phone or dig through his computer files or such, where you know you are going to see them.
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I am in complete agreement with you. The thing that is most wrong with this is that you have told him that you do not want him to be looking at them. To me, this is a form of cheating. It's emotional abuse because look at how its made you!
You need to have another serious conversation with him about these pictures. I think that it is ridiculous. Maybe he wouldn't go out and cheat on you but this isn't right. And you say he really wants to see your boobs. If he asks you all the time, that means he is pressuring you into doing something that goes against what you want to do. To me, this seems like he is a bad boyfriend and I think that you deserve much much better. So, I suggest talking to him and if he won't stop all of this, I think that you should break up with him. Anyways, good luck and know that you should always put yourself before anyone else. Hope you do the right thing. <3
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This is what happens when technology out paces maturity.
Truth be told, lots of guys are like this. Part of it is a lack of maturity coupled with cultural taboos, part of it is just hardwired into every guy.
Guys don't look elsewhere because we aren't happy with whats in front of us. Your boyfriend doesn't look at other girls because of anything having to do with you. He does this because on a basic genetic level men are pre-programed to impregnate every possible female encountered from puberty until death.
Ten years ago we didn't have the technology for guys to have (or take) naked pictures with their phones. Consequently, the stupid teenaged idiots who are willing to take their clothes off and end up forwarded to hundreds of people lived in a time when they couldn't actually have their picture taken the second clothes came off and get forwarded to hundreds of people.
And honestly, at 14 if someone sent me a naked picture of a girl who got a little too drunk at a party the previous weekend, I would have kept it. It actually kind of sucks for your generation, because when I was in high school the fact that there was almost zero chance of pictures resulting from drunken nudity meant drunken nudity was infinitely more common.
All this is off point. He isn't old enough to realize that exploitation of others because you're too juvenile to pass up a naked shot just makes everyone's life crappier. He might not be for a while, and the only way he'd learn that lesson was if pics of you cropped up (which I assume you're smart enough to manage to not ever let exist)
Talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel. But he doesn't sound like the kind of guy whos mature enough to stop if it makes you uncomfortable and for your sake he isnt doing it because theres something wrong with you.
Whether porn, nude shots, maxim, or just glancing at the tight butt on some chick at the mall most guys are going to look around. Its nothing personal. If you don't like it much, steer yourself more towards the smarter and more mature sect of men, those who can actually control themselves when neccesary.
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