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opinion on my writing
i started writing this, and thought maybe i could eventually publish it as a teen book. I am looking for opinions, thoughts, help, and constructive criticism on my writing. i really like constructive criticism because i need to know if my writing is good so far or not. also, what do you think about where the storyline is going and if i started it well or not. Here it is:
Kayla crept up next to the silent, dark house and poked her head around the back to see her parents and a few of their neighbors sitting around the decorative table drinking fine wines and food that reminded her of summertime. After all, it was the first day of summer. But this was not the place Kayla wanted to be spending it, at an unknown adult neighbors barbeque where her parents were enjoying themselves with their friends and their young children, toddlers, and infants. She would rather be at her best friend Ally’s pool party with all of her friends and her crush, Kyle. Kayla could only imagine what they were doing right now. They were probably sitting around the bonfire with their bathing suits on dripping wet from the pool, listening to music, hanging out, and flirting. Hence why Kayla was trying to sneak away from the boring party that would only be interesting to adults without her parents noticing. Her house was right across the cull de sac, and all she had to do was run over, grab her bag, and wait for her soon to be boyfriend (she hoped) to come and pick her up to join the party. She peeked around the side of the stucco wall one last time to check that her parents were getting enough martinis into their systems, so that they wouldn’t care when they called her after they realized she was no longer at the party and found out she left early. After peering all around the deeply festive patio setup that looked like it came right out of a magazine, she noticed her mom glaring in her direction. To her dismay, her mother raised her eyebrows and firmly shook her head no. She also noticed that there was no drink in her hand, and she knew it was because her mother was watching her like a hawk that night. Even though she didn’t want to believe it, Kayla knew exactly what the head shake meant. She knew that she couldn’t risk going to the party now, unless she wanted to be grounded for the upcoming concert and the rest of her beginning summer plans. Defeated, she took out her cell phone to text Kyle and tell him not to pick her up. She turned around and tilted her head up to the starry night sky, letting out a big sigh and wanting to scream from anger. She moved forward and felt something warm and soft brush along her arms. She was startled and screamed, and next thing she knew she was sitting on the cold, moist grass. Her phone had flown from her hand when she fell, and she tried to feel around her for it in the pitch black night.
“Sorry about that,” she heard a chuckling voice say. She gasped and said,
“Oh my god, I didn’t know anyone was there. But yeah, me too.” At first she had hoped it was Kyle who she had felt and that he was coming to get her, but then she had thought that no one was there, and it startled her when he spoke. Kayla sat up and continued feeling around for her phone, not talking because she hoped that whoever she had crashed into would leave and not have to see or hear the tears crawling down her face. She moved her hands and felt something different than the clammy grass, the soft skin again, and what she was guessing was a hemp bracelet.
“Oh, sorry,” she said as she pulled her hand back quickly.
“It’s chill,” the chuckling again, and the deep, calm voice. She thought that she had known everyone in the neighborhood, and she wondered who this could be.
“Are you looking for this?” the boy asked. Kayla saw her cell phone light up in his hand.
“Yeah that’s it, thanks,” she answered. It was silent for a moment, and Kayla considered making an excuse to leave. She was about to speak, but the boy beat her too it.
“So, um, this might sound kind of weird, but who are you?” he asked.
I’m the one who should be asking that, Kayla thought about saying, but she decided to try and be nice for once.
“I’m Kayla, and I live across the street. My parents are here for the party, and I’m trying to leave.”
She was yet to see what he looked like, but instead of making a getaway, her curiosity took over and she asked,
“Who are you?”
“I’m Avery. I don’t live around here, I live in California, and I was forced to come and stay at my aunt’s house for the summer. But there’s really nothing to do around here, and all my cousins are real young. My aunt and uncle are pretty into their party, so I figured I’d sneak out too,” he revealed. His voice sounded so soft and relaxed that Kayla could barely hear him.
“Oh. Um…that sucks that you have to stay here, I guess,” Kayla said awkwardly.
“ Yeah, tell me about it. But uh, I don’t really have to go anywhere, you know. So do you want to come inside and get a drink with me?” he asked. Kayla noticed how hopeful his voice sounded.
Not like I have anywhere to go either, now, she thought negatively.
“Yeah, sure,” she said. He got up and reached his tanned arm down, his strong hand grabbing hers and pulling her up. Kayla wiped her wet hands onto the back of her ripped jean shorts and slid her phone into her pocket. They started walking the opposite way, towards the front of the house, probably so they wouldn’t cause a display when her parents or his aunt and uncle saw them together.
“So I just have one question,” Kayla said nervously.
“What is it?” he asked, smiling.
“If you don’t live around here, where were you sneaking out too?”
He laughed, and then answered,” I have a few friends around here, because I was born here, but then me and my family moved to Delilah Beach. So whenever I’m down here, I’ll chill with them occasionally because I have nothing else to do. I’m guessing you go to Hartford High?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Yeah I thought so, but they don’t go there, so you probably wouldn’t know them. Are you a junior?” he asked.
“Yup,” Kayla answered.
“Same. Unfortunately my cousins are in elementary school, so there’s really nothing to do when I’m home besides babysit,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. As they got closer to the front porch light, Kayla could see more and more of what he looked like. He opened the front door and they walked into the familiar scent of the dimly lit Dakota household. She had lived across the street from the Dakota’s her whole life in Hartford, Massachusetts, but she had never known that they had relatives living in California. Kayla could see part of him from behind now, and the tension of seeing his whole look was killing her. They walked into the fancy kitchen where appetizing pies and other desserts were on the counter waiting for their turn to be brought outside. They walked past the bathroom, where they could clearly hear a mom yelling at her two young children about tracking mud into the house. Avery walked up to the refrigerator and opened it, the bright light shining onto him. He turned his head to face Kayla and laughed as the screaming continued loudly in the next room. Kayla couldn’t believe the sight standing in front of her. Avery had short, buzzed, light blonde hair, and skin that was way to tan to be on someone living in Massachusetts. He had gorgeous, piercing blue eyes and a breathtaking smile with straight, bright white teeth. He had a cute nose and a perfectly aligned face. He was wearing a tie dye T-shirt that read ‘The Grateful Dead’ on the back, with a peace sign and some sort of flowers surrounding it. He had on long, tan, ripped up khaki shorts and leather flip flops. A fat hemp necklace with shells on it lay on his neck, and on his arms he had more hemp bracelets and Rasta colored string bracelets. Avery looked so different from anyone Kayla had ever known in Massachusetts, but way more attractive too.
He noticed her staring at him in awe, and he smiled as he said,
“Uh, what do you want?”
“Water,” Kayla said. She could barely let out the word. She suddenly became self-conscious as she looked at her own outfit, a light blue polo, jean shorts, Ralph Lauren flip flops, a thick cheetah headband in her hair, and pearl earrings. Under her outfit she wore a tiny Abercrombie bikini.
He must think I look like a freak, she thought. But he didn’t seem to mind the way she looked at all. He actually seemed to like it.
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I liked it. that's so cool. i wish more teens would try to get published. i didn't really get what the plot would be but i think it's the kind of beginning for a great ya novel. i'd like to know what happens. i say to keep going, put in some detail and a lot of dialogue. it keeps you and other people entertained with the story. but it sounds great. keep going with it.
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Honestly i really liked it and got pretty into it.
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