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not happy with my life :(
18,f. sorry long, but so thankful if you read this.
i use to be happy, i use to love life. now i'm the complete opposite. i've been through so much in the past and i'm currently going through some rough times. i don't like to complain, i don't want people to feel bad for me but i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. it all started in 8th grade. i had a major surgery, and it wash honestly one of the worst things i had to deal with. i had a cist in my mouth, they had to break my jaw. the oral surgeon said NOBODY has ever seen this before, it was something rare. after surgery i was throwing up blood, i couldn't sleep and didn't eat. i lost so much weight and i'm a skinny girl to begin with. they threatened to put a tube down my throat because i needed to eat but i refused. it ended up taking about a full year for my cheeks to get back to normal and everything else but now i have to go every year to the hospital for a check up to make sure the cells that were in my cist aren't coming back, because it's possible and that just scares me so much. my great grandpa also died, i know people aren't really close with their "great" grandparents or anything but he was like my grandpa. i saw him all the time, he believed in me, he was one of the strongest men i know and he was my hero. when he died i was so lost. people think i'm so gorgeous, guys have even told me im "perfect" and i think i'm pretty, but have no self-confidence. i can't take a compliment at all. i don't really mind how i look but no guys want to go for me for some reason. i'm not a bitch, i'm a nice person i dont know what my problem is. i have trust issues, especially with guys. i've tried to trust people and two of my best friends completely screwed me over and it hurt, really bad because they did hurtful things, and it affected my family. i use to be close to my family. don't get me wrong it's not like i don't still talk to them but they think i don't appreicate anything. they think i'm a brat and all i do is want everything from them. lately i have been crabby, i'll admit that and maybe sometimes i don't treat my parents how they should be treated but i can't help it. everything is getting to me and i have the shortest temper. sometimes i'll even cry for no reason? my friends all left me to go off to college and i need them, more than anything. i'm a freshman in college but am living at home. college is so stressful, i am trying so hard and i'm doing pretty good but it's taking a toll on me. work is just a whole different issue. i love my job, and i had the opportunity to work at a bank but i didn't want to leave my current job because i loved it so much and that opportunity passed and now i regret it so much because i can't work at the place i'm at now forever. and i'm majoring in business so i should of taken the bank job. since school started and with everything else going on i don't really have time to eat much. i've lost about 10 pounds in the past two months. i am about 5'6 and use to weigh around 120 and now i weigh about 112. i don't want to lose weight, i try to gain it back but i can't, i can't eat right. all my jeans are too big for me now and i hate it. i can't sleep at night. i am too worried about everything going on in my life. i recently had my heartbroken by my best guy friend,we were not going out but were really close to and he decided he wanted someone else and i don't know how i'm going to overcome this. i have been having pains in my stomach, and the worst aches on my body and my mom thinks it's due to stress, i think so too. ive been to the doctor and they said nothing was wrong. nobody understands me. they don't know what i'm going through. everyone thinks im something i'm not. they think i'm a strong girl, they think i'm happy because i pretend to be they think i live a perfect life. i don't want people to think my life is a mess and that i have so many problems. i do let it out, i have cried too many times to count but nobody knows this. my parents won't understand. they think i'm fine. everytime i bring up a problem with them they say "you'll be fine" or "dont worry, it'll get better" or "there is nothing wrong with you" they tell me to try my hardest and thats all they ask of me because they know how stressed out i get and they know i try, really really hard at everything i do but i just can't even handle everything right now. i know people in the world have much worse problems than me, but why does it seem like everything in my life is falling apart. like nothing i do will make it better?
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Wow, you did have a pretty hard life...
and I'm not just saying that, even though some of the things you said you experienced sounds like what I have been through, except way different.
It's just surprising, that's all. I can't really tell you how to act, because I haven't acted on what I'm going through (with stress and all..) but I really think you need a good friend who'll listen to you without complaining. I'm not saying to let everything out on them constantly, even though I don't think you would do that. The death of a loved one is really hard... My Uncle David, and my Grandma's death hit me really hard, and I know it isn't easy. I'm sorry I couldn't help more, but I was really interested with what you had to say, and once I read the first line, I had to read it all, and after that I wanted to reply to you. "Stress" and "depressed" are mental, so why not try a mental hospital where you live?
If anything they will try to help you out. It is expensive though, so I hope that helps...
Sorry I wasn't able to help further. If you need a friend, or someone to talk to, I'm always here. :)
You can look in my profile, and all my info is there, ok?
Good luck
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In all this, I hear nothing, it is emptiness I see. People think that they can go through life on ignore and they don't do what they are suppose to be doing.
I will give you the basics here, so don't expect an epiphany here. The Human Being is the combination of the Human Animal and the Spiritual Being. You have been living with the Animal in charge, not the spirit. Your spirit will see the lessons in all that you have gone through, the animal will just consider them a string of bad things and say, "Oh, poor me, I have it so rough". Trouble is, until you start seeing the lessons and changing what you are suppose to change, these things will not stop.
You are suppose to live by the spirit and use the animal. You are living by the animal and ignoring the spirit.
This is not going to seem to you like much help right now, but it is what you need to hear. Take time to get to know your spirit and look back with it to see what you think of all these "bad" things.
To close dear lady, Your great grandfather never left you, not for one minute. He's always with you, search and you'll see.
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I'm pretty sure your life is extremely hard right now. But you have to remember life is like an hourglass. Once things are bad, it'll sooner or later get better. It may seem like I'm sugar coating your question but it's true. Think of all the good times you've had in your lifetime. Maybe memories with your great grandpa or close friends. You're friends will be back when Christmas comes around and your great grandpa will always be with you spiritually.
I had an ovarian cyst at the age of 12 [very common] and I still have to go to the doctor to make sure another cyst hasn't developed and it always frightens me but that doesn't mean it ruins my whole day. I was known as a pessimistic throughout most of my life but now I look at all the good I have.
As for your weight, I would consult a doctor right away. Losing that much weight is serious and can hurt your health tremendously. If you don't want to see a doctor, eat as much as you can. I'm not saying go open a carton of ice cream and stuff your face but just at least attempt to eat to maintain a healthy weight.
You shouldn't regret not taking that job at the bank. Your current job brings you happiness and I think that's what you need right now. Everything happens for a reason, although the reason may seem unknown. You did what you did in order to be happy, and that's what counts.
Feeling misunderstood is normal. I'm sure all of us go through that stage. If I were you, I'd find a way to release my emotions. When I feel overwhelmed, I break down and cry and it makes me feel ten times better to release that pain. You can try to just talk to someone and let all your feelings out.
Do something to relieve stress. Take a bubble bath or do something fun. Forget about your troubles just for an hour or so and have fun. When your friends come back from college, go do something you all enjoy or visit them on campus.
Life's too short. Enjoy it while you can:]
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I can really relate to what your story. I myself have not been happy and it started in 8th grade when my best friend moved across the country, when i also moved and went to a new school, and when my dad started to forget about me and my siblings for his new girlfriend. I have cried soooo many times and sometimes its just for no reason. I've gotten really annoyed with people really easily especially my family. They all say i'm just the grinch of the house cause i'm short tempered. I think its great that you think your a pretty person, because I don't think anything good about myself ever. Im not a doctor, but i do think you have depression and have anxiety issues. Your kinda like me and my sister combined. I'm depressed and have no self-confidence and she has a lot of self-confidence but is a complete mess because of her anxiety. She took an anxiety class at her college and she said it really helped. You learn ways to cope with what your feeling and how to deal with situations without breaking down crying. Going to a psychiatrist will help soo much. They can give you medicine and you'll feel so much more happier. Plus you'll have someone to talk to about your probelms.
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