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Being taken advantage of
I'll be the first to admit that I'm completely taken advantage of. Everyone describes me as the "nicest person they have ever met". And I couldn't agree more with them.
Making people happy is my main focus in life. It's always others before me. I'm there to comfort my friends, pay for everything(I have given a friend $2,000 to get a car when my own car is completely broke), drive them places (including three hours just to comfort them), do the stupid shit to make them happy (ex: make them crafts, bake them cakes..ect.), the word "no" does not exist in my vocabulary and provide or find entertainment for them when they are bored. It makes me feel so good to do so much for them.
At the same time being nice is my weakness. I have a love hate relationship with it. I love seeing people content and happy with their life. I see how much value I put into people but they usually don't realize it. Lately I've been crying about this because I'm not sure how to handle this. I've had things stolen from me, people ditch me, using me for my kindness, only calling when they want something or when it's convient for them. I "thought" I had friends but when it comes down to it I couldn't be more alone.
I can't say "no, I won't help you" or leave anyone stranded. I have tried to confront people about using me before but it only makes the situation worse. And I was never raised to be mean. Does anyone else have this problem? And for the people who actually do have a back bone...can you provide suggestions for me?
I always tell myself karma will be good to be someday. But I'm finding my optistic views slowly thinking otherwise.
Thank you!
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it sounds like you are an amazing person for doing this. You've probably herd the saying that too much of anything can be really bad. I think that you are being too nice. You have to control that niceness. Be a little bit stingy. That is why people are only coming to you when they want something, because you are way too nice. You should hold back a little bit. Like, help someone when they really are in need, not when they just want something. Like your friend wanting a car and you giving them 2,000 dollars to buy the car. That is too much, help people who seem to be suffering. because you obviously can tell when they are using you, so don't let them do it. Tell them you can't do it. Or give them advice and tell them to apply for a job or something. You are right, karma is alive. What goes around comes around. It will come and bite them in the butt hole really hard, but that doesn't mean you have to b too nice. Just only help when you see that the person is really strugling. Like if thier tire brakes down, they need a ride to the hospital because they are sick, they need someone to talk to because they are going through a tough time. Things like that. Dn't get them things that are too big. Too much of anything is bad.I hope this helped. Goodluck.
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Shit.
Sorry, I'm sure thats quite the auspicious beginning.
Cynicism is often the result of the crashed and burned idealist.
Thats also quite an accurate description of me. Thats part of my disclaimer. Pretty much all of this is my opinion. I could be wrong, I don't think I am, and I will tell you to read with a grain of salt.
Consider me heavily biased.
You're not stupid. You know that you are being used, you know it upsets you that you are being used, and you know that it fucks with you because you wish everyone else was as nice to everyone else as you are to everyone else.
In the real world, thats not how it works.
My idealism as a youth came from the same place yours did. I had the capability to like everyone, because I never had a problem with people being different from me. There was a time when I was as giving as you as well, but that was gone by about 13, I was where you are at about 8, and at that age I just stopped caring about making sure EVERYONE around me was as well off. I sort of just decided it wasnt my responsibility (and I still believe that it isnt) and that was that.
It won't be that easy for you, because as a guy I work off logic, and you work off emotion, so the decision for me didn't make me feel that bad when I didn't help someone who I didn't like even if they really needed it.
But I predict that thats about whats going to happen to you.
The next step for me, was the realization that live and let live was not possible. I tried going about my life, minding my business, and leaving everyone to happily deal with theirs. I was perfectly willing to step out of someones way. Problem is, some people are willing to step into yours.
This brought the realization that I was going to have enemies. Unless I lived like mahatma ghandi and gave equally to everyone I could people were going to, if nothing else, view the fact that I would do things for my friends and not for them as an insult and dislike me.
Those people who use. Well, they live in denial. They find ways to justify it. Something about who they are gives them the right to be a leech (in their own assholeish opinions). They don't like people like me. Because I recognize leeches, and I am politely indifferent to them, and do not allow myself to be used. Thus they feel both exposed and indignant and immediately hate me. I've had to quit a job recently because the drama like this was so bad.
When you hit the point of being sick of being used (possibly a result of a future relationship with some guy who repeatedly hammers into your skull that you don't have to be used to be worthwhile until it sinks in a little bit) and stop letting yourself, even being nice will net you negative feelings.
You're going to have to deal with that. Thats going to suck, because people will dislike you for the stupidest reasons, but the harder a target you are to crack the more you piss these people off. Its actually kind of twisted, because they hate not getting the better of you. They hate this because they feel as if they are somehow superior people to you.
Leeches who constantly ask you for shit and use you because theyre too damn lazy to do things for themselves feel superior to you.
Stupid, right?
This world will allow blind optimism. If you were a simple sweet utterly oblivious girl you'd have no problems. But the world isnt that pretty, and the simple fact is that there are people in this world who will use you up and toss you aside simply because it was convenient for them and with no more remorse than stepping on an ant.
If you can't live with being used, you're going to have to start picking. Find people you can trust, find people whos JUDGMENT you trust. I have several friends who I trust to call them and ask them honestly if I'm screwed up or if I'm right. Invest in these people. Call these people. Theyre fewer, and harder to find. But when you have a friend in your life who genuinely cares about how you're doing because they know you genuinely care about them, its worth a hundred people who will just like you because you give things to them.
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Being nice isn't your weakness, it's not knowing when to mean thats your problem. Up until i was seventeen i lived to see everyone around me smile. I just wanted them to be happy, because if i made them happy, then they had to love me right? I mean i was the reason they got what they wanted.
It's not like that though. People arn't as good hearted as you are, and thats the first thing you have to realize. These people arn't asking you for help because it's their only option, they're doing because they know you'll be there.
I can't tell you to just stop helping people, because that'd be crazy, and it wouldn't be you. I think you need to find a healthier way to go about it.
Start back by making a list of the people around you that you've helped out in anyway.It might take a while.
Now get a higlighter and highlight the people on that list that have done something for you. And don't worry if isn't alot...most people arn't helpers.
Now we have a place to start. You know who your true friends are. Those are the people that you can help without asking any questions. They're your friends, and thats what friends do.
As for anyone else on that list...the next time they call to ask for something i want you to ask this first.
1. Whens the last time we talked?
2. Who did you call before me?
3. Why do you think i should do this for you?
They seem like harsh and heartless questions, and maybe you don't have to ask them out loud, but as long as they go through your head...its a good start.
Finding your backbone takes first finding a reason to have one. When you know someone is using you, use that pain to tell them No. Just tell yourself...I'm not gonna take this anymore!
The first step is standing tall...even if you're on the phone. You need to remember you have a spine. This step will serve you well.
Next ask them why they need your help? Or better yet why do they have noone else?...is it because they are to selfis?
Now you have to do the hardest part. Say no. Believe when i say i know how impossible this seems, and you wont feel any better after you've done it. It'll hurt and you will feel horrible. So why am i telling you to do it?
well thats the easy part. Your addiction is helping people, and like every addiction you have to take those painful first steps to recovery. it'll hurt the first time you do it, but in a few days it'll hit you, you just did something for yourself that the other person would have never done for you...respect you.
And thats what it all comes down too. You have to learn to respect yourself and your own worth. People are followers, and so when they see you not respecting yourself, its in their nature to do the same thing. So once they see you treating yourself right then they treat you right.
and if it helps, the thing that got me through was realizing the best way to help some people is to let them learn they can help themselves.
And as a side note, you might wanna think about signing up to help at a home for the elderly. It'll fill that hole that saying no left, because you'll know your using your energy to help people that not only need it, but that appreciate it. Most of them feel just like you, abandoned and unappreciated.
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