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Am I really good enough?
26, male.
I've been with my girlfriend for five years. And lately, it just feels like we're killing each other slowly. And she has high hopes about us getting married. But I'm currently unemployed, and struggling just to get back out there. Throw in my low self-esteem, and other issues between us like religion, our families, and it's just so damn hard.
She almost walked out on me crying because she felt stupid for waiting for me. I managed to talk her down, and we're still together. But looking back, a part of me feels like she really would be better off without me.
I always look at my relationships as things to continue working on and trying to make work to the very end. Is it wrong that I keep trying to make this relationship work, or am I being selfish for not wanting to let her go?
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First, I'd like to mention that I have an upgraded account... And I've read all the other questions that you have asked. Before you become paranoid that I know who you are... I don't. Even though my account is upgraded, I still don't know your name or anything about you... All your questions are still 100% anonymous.
Second, I'm noticing a trend in the questions you ask. You're having problems with three things: letting go of past hurts, self-esteem, and your relationship with your girlfriend.
Third, I'm going to tell you something about myself. I battled with depression for seven long years... I still occasionally struggle with it. Once upon a time, I hated myself... Had a laundry list of symptoms, disorders, and was suicidal. One day I read something that changed my life. The sentence that changed my life forever: if you're unhappy, it's YOUR fault. What are you going to do about it?
Forgive me for sounding insensitive... I understand that you have been hurt by many people, that forgiveness is hard, that you need sympathy... And really, I do have sympathy. I know what it feels like to be where you are now. To feel like you are nothing, that you will never get anywhere or do anything with your life. That everything is pointless, hopeless... And that no one really loves you. And when I say that it's your fault... I'm not trying to wound your self-esteem. I'm trying to empower you.
You can do this. You can feel better, you can change your life. I know that it's hard... But if you feel like you need help, ask for it. Not a bunch of strangers on the internet... Your family, your friends, your girlfriend, your doctor. It's okay to say, 'I'm struggling and I need help.' Doesn't make you any less of a man, or less of a person.
And finally... Stop BEATING YOURSELF UP. Okay... So you don't have a job. That doesn't make you a failure. Dude, our economy sucks right now. A lot of people are having a problem finding a job. If you have to resort to taking a part-time job flipping burgers... That's okay. Your job doesn't define you. Neither does your relationship with your girlfriend... Or the circumstances of your life. You define yourself.
So... Get help. Stop hating yourself. Do something to make yourself happy.
And lastly... After reading so many questions pertaining to your girlfriend... To be perfectly honest... I don't understand why you are with her. It's not that you aren't good enough for her, it's that I think she isn't good enough for you. But that's just my opinion and I don't know her. So... If you can't decide whether or not to end the relationship, at least attend couples counseling. Please.
You're in my thoughts and I wish you the very best. I know what I've said may sound harsh... And I'm sorry. I just want for you to feel better. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
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You are not wrong. Relationships are meant to be worked on and if you both still have feelings there is no reason to stop working. What you might want to do to make things better is to take a short break to sort yourself out.
You know you need to get back out into the working world and I understand how hard it could be to get there with low self esteem but go to a therapist. Work on bettering yourself so when you and your girl get back together she can have the best of you and most importantly all of you. When you feel good about yourself and where you are going with your life all relationships will work better.
I tell you this from experience and I hope it helps and makes your relationship better if you choose to follow through with my advice.
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You threw a lot out there in just three short paragraphs.
The following response is assuming you live together. If you are not, it still mostly applies. If you are living together you should commit or get out unless you are happy spending your entire relationship teetering on a shaky edge. The reality, regardless of your religious background is that when two people live together without being married they always have one foot out the door. They are in the relationship to love one another, be involved, work on the relationship, but if things get too bad, there is already one foot out the door and they can easily slip on out without it being too messy; divorce or division of belongings. This never allows for a completely secure feeling of being in a "committed relationship". Also, if you are IN a truly committed relationship (marriage), you took vows that you need to respect and keep. Therefore, if things are getting bad such as your unemployment... for better or worse. Vows do not really leave a lot of room for "getting out" except in death. That means committed relationships can be EXTREMELY difficult and often we spend time greatly disliking out partner. If we stick with though and work through the tough times, we end up loving our partner even more because we made it! This is where our society tends to go wrong... things get tough and they just can't be bothered. It's too hard. I'd rather just get out so I can start fresh.
Next, it definitely sounds like you need to work on your self esteem. I guarantee everyone you know has a self esteem issue of some sort. I tell you this not to minimize the way you feel but rather to impress that this is such a common issue that there are ways out there to get help. You can find a support group, read a self help book, seek therapy, find a friend who you can really trust to help you in this situation. My other 100% guarantee is that while I don't know what your specific esteem problems are, you are NOT as lazy, stupid, ugly, fat, boring, whatever as you think you are. You sound like a very good person to be emotionally involved with. You said above "I always look at my relationships as things to continue working on and trying to make work to the very end."
My problem with that statement is the fact that you try to work on them to the very end... this suggests that there is always an end. Why? Why haven't you committed yet to anyone, especially this girl you have been with for 5 years? You don't need to answer me, but you deserve to figure this out about yourself and this girl deserves an answer.
I am reading a book on relationships (not surprising given my chosen profession). It is a great book that I recommend strongly to all married couples, and couples considering marriage. The author of "laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage", Mark Gungor comments that our society has gotten focused on the mythological ideas of Zeus. I won't go into it fully here as this is going to be long enough without that but Zeus is our reason for thinking there is a "soul mate", someone SPECIFIC for EVERYONE. We bounce around from person to person until we can find that "other half" that "completes" us. The truth is, that is a MYTH. What we should actually be doing is preparing ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, morally, etc. so that we could be suited to anyone who has the same values, morals, etc. as ourselves. I don't really know how this applies to you but I had the need to share it. Basically, this girl is likely not "meant" for you, but you two chose each other 5 years ago... so now what?
Being unemployed does make it a bit more difficult. You naturally want to be able to "provide" for your family and not start off being in an incredibly difficult situation. I respect that. That being said, everything completly important in life seems to have a string of excuses that keep us from commiting. For example; We aren't getting married until we graduate or have that great job. We aren't having children until the timing is just right. Of course things do need to be at a certain level of "right" but this is not a perfect world. If you love this girl, want to spend the rest of your life with her (and being with her for 5 years you should know the answer to this by now), what are you waiting for? If you are not... what are you hanging on for?
My last comments will be about your statement, "Throw in my low self-esteem, and other issues between us like religion, our families, and it's just so damn hard." Sometimes we can get involved in relationships that are less that desirable. If the two of you have nothing in common; different religions, different family lives or families that don't welcome the other, are these obstacles you will be able to overcome? Family means everything. If your family does not approve of this girl... there is a good possibility there is a reason. If you two are each strong in your faiths but your faiths are different... you need to consider how this could affect a marriage 10 years from now... 20 years from now.
The gist of all of this is... you need to focus on why you and this girl are still dating after 5 years (you should realistically have known years ago if you wanted to be with her forever) and not married. If she wants marriage and you have no intentions, perhaps you should keep her best interest in mind.
Relationships are the most difficult things in our lives. They take a lot of work. I hope if nothing else I gave you some questions you can answer for yourself and decide what is best for you and your girlfriend.
Best of luck.
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Hi,
it seems to me that as much as you two want to be together, it might be best that you separate for a while until you can get yourself together. Being in a relationship is hard enough. You have a lot of obstacles in your way. Religion and family are serious issues to deal with by themselves. That coupled with being unemployed has to be tough on the both of you.
You can't make a relationship work if you can't come into complete. You feel bad because you don't feel like you're worthy of her because of your situation. You have to try and stay positive. Don't give up. The job market is hard right now. She's probably stressed out because she's getting impatient and wants things to work.
I really don't think you have time to focus on a relationship. You have to get yourself together. Once you do that you will be a happier person because you will feel good about yourself and will bring that back to the relationship.
If the two of you love each other, you will probably be able to endure the separation. You have to do this for you and her. If it's meant to be, it will be. I hope I helped you.
Good luck,
Ediemarie
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