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Which man is right if either?
I'm a 33 year old female.
I met a guy at the age of 17 dated him for 5 years and then married him. He turned out to be mentally and psychologically abusive to our kids and I. He was sometimes a little physically abusive to the kids. Before we met i had had a 3 year relationship with another guy. We'll call him Joe. I lost touch with joe for several years but we became friends again 5 years ago. since then we have talked on the internet almost every day. He has helped me through every conflict in my marriage by being encouraging all these years and only became flirtatious about a year ago. We were never intimate during that time.
My husband and i began speaking of separation several months ago when he was rough with my son again and i had had too much. After we had decided to separate Joe and i became intimate. We had shared feelings with one another and that we wish we had never broken up. Basically my husband has been gone a month and a half. Meanwhile joe and i have been dreaming of the future together, saying we love each other, etc.
I was lonely one night 3 weeks ago at night and I entered a chat room intending to casually chat with someone. I wound up meeting a man who seems amazing. we have so much in common. He's amazingly intelligent, speaks a zillion languages, is going for his doctorate has traveled abroad. Basically he is crazy about me and wants to meet in person. He is so tempting to me. He makes me feel like a cinderella. We'll call him bill. Now i'm all excited about bill and wonder if i should take a chance on him because he seems like everything i've ever dreamed of.
On the other hand i have joe who i have pledged my love to and who loves me and i know will be kind to me. He's been my constant source of help through the years and i know he's real and close by. Bill is 4 hours away. Do I go for the old friend and risk settling out of loyalty? He's a sure thing. Or Do I take a chance on Bill who might make my life a fairy tale? I have a nagging feeling that I should go for bill but Then i might be missing out on the average joe who would take care of me for the rest of my life.
Bill says he understands that right now im not ready to define our relationship. Joe says he only wants to be with me but understands if I "need to sow some wild oats."
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You're old enough to know that fairy tales don't exist.
I can understand your situation. Disillusionment and hope that you havent been naive this whole time, wanting to find what your husband didn't provide, etc.
Internet romance is amazingly shallow. You can't really get to know anything but what someone shows you, and its not until you spend a ton of time together that you find out the real person. The flaws, the chinks in the armor, the things he isnt going to tell you in the throes of online infatuation.
Joe seems in it for the long haul. He loves you, he has been waiting (probably) for this opportunity since you broke up, and is even willing to wait while you rebound and go have some comfort "I'm still hot, people still want me, I'm a worthwhile person whatever my ex husband thinks" flings.
Right now, you don't need to be pursuing ANYTHING. You need to recover. First, get your divorce. End one thing permanently and finally before you begin something else. Get your life together, get yourself together, and from THERE you can figure out what you really want.
I can't say who you should date, or if you should date either of them, but I can say you shouldn't be trying to figure it out right now.
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I think that you are in a very fragile state right now and are not really sure what or who you want. We can't tell you who the right man is because we don't know whats in your heart and how you feel about each of them.
Yes Joe does sound like an amazing guy that will always be there for you, but if you aren't in love with him then none of that will matter and you will still be miserable.
On the second hand you really don't even know this Bill guy. You know really nothing about except what he has told you and not to be rude, but for all you know it could all be a lie.
Thirdly, you and your husband just seperated and you are very confused and hurt right now. So you are finding comfort in anyone and everyone, anyone that reaches out their hand you cling too.
I think that you need to just take a deep breath step back and think really hard about your next move because you are going to end up hurting one of them, or worst of all yourself. Let them all know where you stand and don't make any choices until you are completely sure who you want to be with for the rest of your life :]
Hope I Helped.
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1. Considering that you've recently separated from your husband... I don't think that you should be pursuing a comitted, exclusive relationship with anyone. I think that you need time to adjust and explore your options.
2. Joe sounds like a really, really nice guy. But don't settle for 'safe' just because your afraid of being alone. I'm not saying that Joe is a bad choice... I'm saying that entering into a relationship with anyone for any other reason than being in love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person... Is not just unfair to you, but unfair to him as well. He deserves to be with someone that can reciprocate his feelings, even if that person isn't you.
3. Maybe you were just using a figure of speech... But I'd like to remind you that no one is going to turn your life into a fairy tale. Bill could be the greatest guy walking the face of the planet, but... If the two of you were in a relationship-even if that relationship is healthy and loving-you'd still encounter obstacles. There would still be times when you'd wonder whether or not you made the right decision.
My person opinion: take some time to enjoy being single. You can still date Joe and/or Bill... Just explain to both parties that you're not ready to be in a relationship, that you'd like to keep your options open... And that if you are going to date anyone they're going to have to be okay with that. I don't know how they'll take it... But this isn't about them... It's about what's best for you.
Best wishes :)
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