|
Would the remark my mom made bother you
Would the remark my mom made bother you?: I (age 53) cleaned out my closet and dresser drawers and had 14 bags of clothing to give away. However, yesterday I decided to go thru the bags to make sure that I did not give away anything accidentally. I found 10 items that I accidentally put in the bags so I took them out and put them in my drawers and closets. I was home alone yesterday. Today before I was going to load the bags into the car and take them to the clothing drop my mom (age 82) saw me going thru the bags.
Mom: “What are you doing?”
ME: “I am going thru the bags to make sure I did not get rid of anything accidentally”
Mom: Oh why are you looking there is nothing worthwhile there”
ME: “Yes there is because yesterday I checked the bags as well and found things in there that I did not mean to give away so I was checking one last time."
My mom gave me a look of disbelief.
Then we had some fight. I said really nasty horrible things to her which I feel terrible about. Some of the things I said to her I would never even say to my worse enemy. My nasty remarks made her cry.
During the fight:
ME: “I will show you what I took out”
Mom: “Ok let me see” (she said this in a nasty voice)
You see I got mad because all she had to say “Ok just go thru the bags and double check” but instead she challenged me or that is what I was interpreting it as.
So how would you have interpreted it?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
The direct answer to your question is no. That response would not have irritated me.
That being said, however, I do not have a history with your mother. You two have decades of there being things said, body language used, etc. that have you potentially reading things into what is being said. It is the "assumption" of what someone meant that we often times hear, not what was actually said. This is called para-language.
The truth is, it is none of mom's business what you are getting rid of or why. You are 53 years old and have the right to get rid of bags of clothes and decide to grab a few items back out before you get rid of them.
Mom is probably always going to be Mom. No matter what your age is she is still looking at you as her daughter. It is important to just respect what she says and then do what you, as an adult, decide to do on your own.
In the future, it would probably be best to just let her comments roll off of your back. Whether she is or is NOT trying to "start something", we can always be the "bigger" person and just let it go.
I have had issues with my own mother myself. It seemed she could never say ANYTHING right. Recently though I decided that kind of stress in my life was just not worth it anymore, I didn't want my OWN children talking to ME in that manner, and I decided a new tactic... treat her as if she was NOT my mom. If ANYONE else on earth had made that comment to you, you may have interpreted it or reacted to it differently. It may help in these situations to treat Mom as if she was NOT mom but rather ANYONE else. Then you can respond to her in a polite manner, avoid an arguement, and still do what you want to do with your own belongings.
Now I am a mother of a little girl and I have a feeling I am going to be able to look at this in a whole new light in about 10-15 years as she grows up.
Best of luck.
]
ADVICE
Well all people place values on things that are important to them. Weather its a shirt or a watch. We all have items we value on a sentimental level. Given your mothers age and her responce though, people that age are very set in their ways. Something that seems pointless or meaningless to her may not be to you. However how you handeled her responce concerns me. Seems like there is more behind that blow up than just what you where doing at that time. If you view your mother as insentive to things that matter to you, there has to be more history behind this blowup. Sounds to me that you had anger towards her about other things that you where holding in for awhile. When people reach an age such as your mother they often will speak without thinking first. It happens to all of us. So I would have a good long heart to heart with your mother, and get things off your chest that you may have needed to do for some time now. Work things out and try to build the best relationship you can letting go of harsh feelings. Your mother will hopefully be here a long time, but you never know when her last day will be. So have a clear mind about how your relationship with her and where you stand. Try to be a little more open with her and have some more patience. All older people age in several ways, but the most common thing about ageing is our memmory gets jaded and things that used to come easy, are now a struggle. This means in every aspect too, convorsation, mobility, and judgement. So just keep in mind that when you get to be her age, and you dont think before you speak, how would you want someone to handle your responce? I hope this helps let me know what you think, and keep in touch...
Just remember to always take a deep breath, think before you react and take it onedayatatime.
]
More Questions: |