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My parents don't listen to me
I'm 17 and a highschool senior and I am having MANY issues with my parents. They only hear the negative things. I was telling my mom how I excused myself from my senior government class due to the fact that I get very aggitated during
political debates and kindly explained this to my teacher so he let me leave the classroom for the first thirty minutes. The teacher is extremely flexible and did not have any problem with this at all. When telling my mom an entirely different
story I mentioned this and she went on this whole rant about how I can't do that because the teacher will take it as me saying 'I don't want to do this because I don't feel like it so I'm leaving'. This is just one example of their selective hearing. I constantly feel critisized by my father. It's a very simple example, but
I am an art student and whenever I show him anything I do he immediatly goes to what's negative and never even mentions what appears to be good or positive. I know it may seem like I'm nit-picking, but when this happens constantly and in almost every aspect, I just feel drained. They put so much pressure on me to do wellin school and take on adult responsibilities, but at the same time still treat me like a child. I'm getting tired of having to play both roles. My father never knocks before comming in my room even when the door is closed, so I must constantly lock it which he hates. The other night at 11:30 I was changing into different
outfits to see what I would wear to school the next day because I couldn't fall asleep. My father came upstairs and banged on the door telling me to 'Unlock it this instant'. Naturally, he didn't knock before trying to open it, prior to finding out the door was locked. It took me a few minutes to unlock it because I
had to change and when he came in he was furious and told me to go to bed 'this instant' and to keep my door open. I told him I wanted it shut because he makes too much noise downstairs and we argued for a few minutes about that until he told me 'If you were a dog I'd send you to obediance training' before slamming my door shut
behind him. Call me crazy, but I feel at 17 almost 18, a curfew is unecessary. If
I'm tired the next day at school, that's my fault and I'll deal with it. I always get treated in a childish way, but then be expected to approach everything else such as my studies as an adult. When I get into an argument with a teacher, my
dad rushes to call the school to talk to them to handle it. I'm so embarassed by this because it makes me seem as through I cannot fight my own battles, which I think I am perfectly capable of. He goes through my room and my personal things, which he has no reason to because I do not drink, do drugs, or smoke. He wasn't
going to let me sleep over my friends house after homecomming because I though I was tricking him and would be sleeping over my boyfriends house instead. I never lied to them about where I was. They tell me I don't appreciate them and that I
have it easy, they also tell me I'm nieve. I know there's a lot of things I don't know about because I'm not old enought to have lived them yet, but I am not nieve. They think I'm sheltered from things like drugs, abuse, etc. but I know more about those things than they even realize. I was sexually harassed when I was 14 by a 19 year old guy, so when they tell me I've never gone through anything difficult it upsets me so much. I know it's my fault for not telling them, but they shouldn't assume things like that. They tell me they 'never say no to me' and 'give me anything i want', but the reason they always say yes is because i ask for simple things such as going to the mall with my friends or going midnight bowling. I never go to parties and go right home after school. If anything, I feel as though I am underappreciated. They buy me everything because my mom won't let me work school days so I can't get a job, it's not my fault I don't have money. I feel like when I
turn 18 I'm just going to go completely out there and my parents won't know how to handle it. I try to talk to them, but they only hear what they want to. How can I get through to them
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Oi.
Helicopter Parents.
Your parents are not ready to let go of their image of you as a beautiful innocent snowflake. Not by half. The "adult" parts of it are just them doing everything they can to "prepare" you for the point at which they lose control.
I had it much the same as you. I come from a catholic background, and raising children is seen very strictly in the light of "responsibility" rather than a part of your life you take joy in.
I had little to no privacy, no lock on my door, no knocking, etc. I'm a guy, so walking in when I'm in my boxers wasn't as big a deal, but my room would get searched from top to bottom about once a month. And the things I did, I never once got caught doing, so they didn't have any justification for it.
At this point, honestly, its probably too late. Parents are conditioned to be uncomfortable with their children's activities regardless of what they are. Example.
I didn't get to drive anything regularly until almost 17. I had a car that I paid more than half for and was in my name, but I wasnt allowed to take it out, or even drive to school. I got picked up from football, taken home, and I drove to work at night after (as opposed to driving myself to school and going to straight to work after, allowing me more time on shift)
When I finally pushed for the right to drive myself to school, they went ape shit.
I was holding a job, playing football, and making straight As across the board with a few exceptions, high Bs in chemistry and Algebra 2. But I couldn't be trusted to drive myself to school. I might skip or something, having this freedom. (Which I couldnt do, football requires attendance of classes)
My solution was moving out. I know its not what you want to hear, but its probably the only way this is ending. Moving out and going to college in another city was what saved me.
Basically, get into a college you can move to, move into the dorms, and keep your shit together. When you take adult responsibilities and refuse to allow them to treat you like a child, and prove that you ARE an adult, they really can't say much else to you about it. My girlfriend chose that method. She graduated a year early, and moved out on her own unsupported. Her parents had to acknowledge that they no longer had anything to hold over her head to get her to comply, and now treat her as an adult.
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It's as simple as this: As long as you live under THEIR roof, you follow THEIR rules. This applies to you being 17, 18, or 30. It's THEIR HOUSE. If you want to make your own rules then you simply need to move out. Honestly.
To do this, you need to make your first move in finding an appropriate job. This may need to be discussed with your parents since they have rules set in place (such as curfew) which may interfere with a job opportunity. Talk with your parents about getting a weekend job. It is more adult-like anyway.
"They put so much pressure on me to do wellin school and take on adult responsibilities, but at the same time still treat me like a child."
You are still a child. You are in transition between childhood and adulthood so you will have mixed responsibilities. Adulthood is all about pressure, especially in the workplace which is somewhat equivalent to school, believe it or not. Think of this time as "training" for adulthood. You are simply in transition right now. Your parents are still going to treat you like a child because you are not quite an adult, yet give you adult responsibilities so that you can survive as an adult later on.
I understand you may be frustrated, but there is absolutely nothing you can do except move out at this time. Your parents want the best for you and they are doing what they see is best.
"Call me crazy, but I feel at 17 almost 18, a curfew is unecessary. If
I'm tired the next day at school, that's my fault and I'll deal with it."
17-almost-18 thing does not matter. Again, it's THEIR house you are in. They are allowed to make the rules, just like when you visit a friend's house--do you make the rules or do they?
Secondly, tired or not, your parents are looked at as the responsible party. If you show up at school the next day drowsy, your parents are seen as uncaring and slackers for not taking care of you and teaching you the responsible thing. Your parents take that responsiblity, whether you realize it or not. If you show up drugged out, your parents are seen as allowing you to do that and, in turn, makes them (and your entire family) look horrible. They want their family to be seen a good people, just as they should.
Your parents are giving you what you want. They are allowing you to make "adult" decisions (you even say they treat you as an adult sometimes) yet are still controlling some aspects so that you learn the proper way. If they didn't set a curfew, would you stay up late most nights? Probably, if nobody ever taught you that getting enough rest is highly beneficial to your health and happiness. If they didn't preach to you about how bad drug usage could be, would you do it? Probably, because you wouldn't understand the negative aspects of heavy drug usage and how even minor drugs can turn you to harder ones.
You won't ever "know" because you haven't had that experience, but I have. My parents never told me that throwing my body around would be emotionally devastating so when I was freshly-turned 14, I started having sex. If my parents had preached to me about how special my virginity was and really laid down hardcore rules about boys spending the night then I wouldn't have the emotional baggage regarding sex that I do now.
Your parents are caring about you.
They are mixing your childhood and your adulthood together right now. To me, it sounds like they are on track. An 11:00pm curfew is plenty late enough for most nights. You even say yourself that they allow later for "special" occasions. What would you need to do at midnight on normal nights? Nothing good, I'll tell you that. Most places are closed down around that time of night, and the places that aren't are usually hounded by drunks and drug-users. Don't believe me? Then think of this:
Around 9 at night more adult-oriented programming comes on. Teens and younger are seen as already being in bed. Adults (18+) are usually still up.
When do bars close? Around 2:30am, on average. Around 10pm most other things close in town, excluding wal-mart. Even the mall closes around 9 or 10 in most places. On weekends usually things will stay open until 11 latest, but usually not much later. What is left? Some fast-food joints (Wendy's, McDonalds, Taco Bell), Wal-Mart, various bars and clubs, gas stations, possibility the theatre but it would be into it's last, late showing.
Being sexually harassed and not telling your parents about it is not wise. If you told them, maybe they would then thing you had gone through something difficult. Parents are not mind-readers and, to them, you haven't gone through anything difficult. You sound like a normal teenager to me. I'm sure your parents, especially not knowing about the sexual harassment, think the very same thing. If you don't tell, they don't know.
Your parents know when a party isn't going to beneficial to you. They know when parties get out of hand and that when chaperons (other parents) aren't there that children will be children. You know this too. If you leave a group of 5 year olds with access to a cake, what do they do? Eat and play in it. Well, if you leave a group of 16, 17, and 18 year olds alone with access to alcoholic beverages nearby (say, at the closest 7-11) then what do you think is going to happen? They have older friends and they WILL find a way to booze-it-up.
Your parents are teaching you valuable lessons for when you ARE an adult. On your 18th birthday nothing magically is going to happen. You aren't going to magically grow your "adult wings" or something. You'll still be you, only your parents will loosen the strings a little more within the coming months. Things won't be an all-of-a-sudden occurrence. You SLOWLY mature into an adult, believe it or not. It is simply not an overnight transition.
Let your parents be parents. You'll thank them when you're 45. You'll look back and go, "Gee, thankfully my parents had enough sense to teach me how to get a full night's rest."
It may seem stupid now.
You may rate me a 1 for not giving you what you want to hear.
But, in reality, your parents are being GOOD parents.
Be happy not being adult right now. Do you really want to have to worry about rent, medical bills, pregnancy scares, car insurance, holding a steady job to make ends meet, meetings, financial worries, bills, finding a place to live in the first place, picking up a second job to afford groceries, having a friend go broke and trying to help them while keeping your head afloat, etc.
Trust me, being adult is NOT what you think it is.
The adult responsibility you're thinking of is something like a fairy-tale. It doesn't magically just happen. You don't just get through it. You have to work your ass off in HOPES things will work out, and sometimes they just don't and you have to toss everything out the door and start again.
When you have your own place then you can set your own curfew/bedtime. When you have your own place, you can say who stays the night. When you're on your own, you can decide which parties you want to go to and for how long you should stay up before work the next morning. You simply don't have your own place right now. You're going to have to sacrifice your "teenage" weekends for more adult-oriented ones--WORK!
I hope I've shed some light on this and you realize your parents are only loving toward you. If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
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