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what should i do...?
I like to meet new people online all the time, because I think it's interesting to talk to someone from someplace different from where I live. Well, a couple months ago, I met... "J." J lives across the country from me, and we've become very very good friends. I honestly can say I love him, in a very unromantic way. More of the way you love your best friend. Only, it's a bit of a problem because I'm a 14 year old girl, and J is 32, married, and about 3,000 miles away. I don't expect many people to understand our relationship.
I hate having to be sneaky to talk to him. We've talked on the phone once, and he actually sent me a birthday card. I love him enormously, like a family member or something. I feel a lot like we should stop talking, because it's not... socially acceptable for us to be such good friends, and I'm sure my mom or his wife or anyone would approve of our friendship. But it would break my heart to have to stop talking to him.
What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First off, I agree with Razhie in that you should stop hiding this friendship.
That being said, there's really nothing that will take away this feeling of guilt, other than letting your parents know about your relationship with this man. You need to tell them about it. Lying to your parents is NEVER a good thing, and it really isn't right for you to do. I suggest sitting them down and telling them what you told us: that you have been talking to a man, but you've been hiding it and you feel awful for doing so. Tell them the absolute truth, and let them know what's going on.
Another point Razhie made that you deeply need to consider: think of this man's wife. He is MARRIED! Think of how his wife is going to feel knowing he's been talking to you, and hiding it from her all along. I think you should urge him to let his wife in on this secret, and to STOP lying to her: it's completely wrong.
Best of luck.
-Laura (16-f)
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Stop hiding this friendship.
You feel bad about this because it IS bad. It is bad for you two to be lying to the people closest to you.
When your mom, or his wife, find out, they are going to insist you end it. And they'll be right. It won’t be just because of the age difference, it will be because of the SECRET.
You shouldn't have a friend that you keep secret from your parents. They will be naturally terrified about this. If you had a 14 year-old friend that you talked to constantly but never breathed a word of to your parents, they would be terrified.
The fact that your 32 year old friend isn't sensible of this, and insists you be honest with your parents, is a HUGE strike against him. It's disrespectful of him to your family, and irresponsible of him an adult (especially since he could get in legal trouble for the way people might misunderstand your relationship, very it's foolish of him not to insist you be honest with your parents!)
And then think of his poor wife! What she might think? How terrified she would be? She might walk out on him over this. Is your friendship worth that kind of risk to his life?
If he is willing to risk his marriage for his friendship with you… doesn’t that tell you that your relationship with him might actually be a bit inappropriate, no matter how plutonic you insist it is? Teens might make hard choices when it comes to friends vs relationships, but for adult when it comes to marriage, the marriage should win hands down!
You feel bad about this, because it is bad. It’s not a sensible or mature adult friendship. It’s a secret liaison, even if you say it isn’t romantic, your behavior only makes it look more questionable!
There are two ways to make it right:
Either stop talking to him.
Or, tell your parents. Be prepared for a lot of questions, and probably to show them a few of your conversations and e-mails. I know that sounds difficult, but since you’ve misled them for so long, you really do owe them that much. And of course, to let him speak to them.
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