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How do I know if I'm gay?
I am 17 and my boyfriend is 20. We've been together on off for almost four years and have had a sexual relationship for pratically all of that time.
We're really great together but we aren't compatable sexually AT ALL. We have great chemistry and the lead up to sex is fantastic but the act itself is awful.
For the last year I've been questioning my sexuality. I've thought I'm bisexual for a few years, although I haven't discussed this with my boyfriend - it doesn't really come up does it. Lately though, i've becoming way more... that way inclined.
So basically, I'm unsure about my sexuality, and I don't see how I'm supposed to figure it out because I can't experiment without breaking up with my boyfriend. I really dont want that. And besides, I can't really mention it to my boyfriend until I know - because what if I'm wrong?
I would like to be in a relationship with a girl I think. But maybe a bit later in life. My family would kill me lol.
HELP?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I have high doubts that you are gay because you are clearly able to attach to a male without problem. Just because you don't have great sex with your current partner doesn't mean you can't have great sex with a male.
Think of it this way:
If another guy came along would you expect the exact same sex from him as you currently have? No. It would be silly to think that. It isn't the penis that is throwing things off, it's, most likely, the technique (or lack of).
So, if a girl comes along, would you expect sex to magically be better? It is completely unknown, just as being with another man is completely unknown since it does vary from person to person. Some people know more than others, obviously.
Being a lesbian means you are sexually attracted to females. You want to have sex with them and nothing about that is the slightest bit "icky" or odd. You wouldn't mind being in a long-term relationship, and the possibility of marrying a female wouldn't be out of the question.
A lot of young people are hung up on sexuality now because the media is feeding it to us. We're being told that we HAVE to be different and that out sexual preference must be different too. This being said, do not even bother experimenting. Do not do it. You'll only get yourself into a mess.
The mess happens this way:
The media (magazines, television, movies, etc.) is telling you that you should be interested in your gender. There is even that "I kissed a girl and I liked it..." song out now. The problem is that kissing and hugging does not mean you're sexually compatible. It does not mean that sparks have to fly. It does not mean that anything has changed about you, except you've lip-locked with another person (and maybe contracted an oral issue such as oral gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, etc.) Years ago it was completely normal for a woman to peck another woman on the lips, hold hands with her, and hug generously throughout the day because they were FRIENDS. Of course, they didn't go around making out--but who the hell actually does this?
When you have thought that going to a party and picking up a completely random guy to make out with for a few hours was normal? That is now glamorized for young men and woman to do--only to their own gender. When in the world did that even become realistic?!
Are you a lesbian?
Are you attracted to your partner? Sounds like it.
Does your partner turn you on? Sounds like it.
Do you actually want to get down there and have sex with a girl? That's what you need to figure out.
Your set question REALLY is:
Could I be with a woman 24/7? Could I have sex with her frequently, giving and receiving? Could I seek out a woman to be my life-long partner? Could I comfortably walk around with my female partner and not be ashamed that I am with her and not someone else, namely a man?
Those are questions everyone answers.
Great sex isn't going to magically come because you've switched teams, if you get my drift. To have great sex, you and your partner need to talk about what is liked and what is disliked. Most young people rush into sex without being prepared--that means reading books galore to figure out how the hell things work right. There is a lot more to sex than inserting a penis into a vagina. You sit down after some reading and say, "I really like ____. ____ feels good to me. I am interesting in ____. Do you think we could do that? Do you think you could start doing that? Do you think you could do that more? What do you really like?"
You are more inclined because you're, unknowingly, being told every day TO be inclined. I believe you cannot just magically be straight one week and then decide differently the next. It doesn't make sense. The same people who claim that babies can be born gay were not gay until recently. Sure, maybe they hid it for a few years--but, come on, did this stuff happen back in the 50s? No. Why? Because television wasn't screaming to be gay at people's faces.
What I mean by that is we now have television shows about gay people. They are almost glamorized. We have magazines talking about what celebrity MIGHT be gay this week. We have gay parades and gay pride day. Hell, even DISNEYLAND has gay pride day--DISNEY! Doesn't it seem odd to ANYONE that Disney is marketed toward CHILDREN?!
You are suppose to be able to see women and think they are pretty or attractive, but not in the sense that you want to rip her clothes off and go at her. It's natural to say, "She is REALLY beautiful!" because everyone wants to be pretty. You want specific features and when you see them just right you say to yourself, "Wow, she is gorgeous. I wish I could be like her." There is a line in thinking--"WOW! Someone I want to have sex with!" and "WOW! She is NICE looking!"
We do this every day.
Every person we see we judge by appearance.
"She's pretty!"
"Ewh! Ugly! I don't want to do my hair like that!"
"Wow, I wonder what happened to her!"
"I wish I had that nose!"
"Her body is perfect, nice and toned. I wish I didn't have as much flab so I had her shape!"
In short, I don't think you're gay. I think you're young and buying into the media, which is very easy to fall into with how much it's pushed upon us. Relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Work on the relationship. Work on the sex.
No reason to want to experiment. You're being fed by the media that you're suppose to like that kiss and whatnot. If you buy into needing to "try" things out then you'll buy into it being oh-so-wonderful.
You can have great sex with your male partner. There is no need to say, "Wow, my boyfriend and I suck in bed together! I MUST BE GAY!" That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
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Well I am bisexual and both my parents know about this and even if they don't acknoweledge this, I am fine. I have gotten through a BIG hurdle. Just be true to yourself. You'll never know if you don't try it.
Good luck! Hope I helped!
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girl I got the same problem except I've been with my bf for five years now and I have kissed a girl twice....but that's as far as I went and the sex with my bf is great! but at times I imagine of being with a girl and am still not sure which sex I'd prefer! but I mean I guess only you can tell.
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