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How do you love someone who has lost the ability to love?
Me and my guy friend Mike have had a very rocky history. We've dated in the past, hooked up, fought, stopped speaking to each other, became friends again & so on and so forth. Anyway Mike is the most emotionally closed-off person in the world. He never opens up to ANYONE, not even his best friends. Just once I wished he would open up to me about something, anything really, but I knew it was not to be.
Well the other night he got some bad news and took it out on me. We got into a pretty bad fight [via texts] because he read something I wrote online that he assumed was about him [it was not at all]. After I informed him of his mistake, he believed me but still was picking a fight with me. As usual I was emotional and upset & he seemed to be uncaring. I figured if this is it and he doesn't want anything to do with me, I might as well let all my feelings out now. And I did. [I've let him know my feelings in the past, and he usually responds somewhat emotion-less or uncaring, and never says how he feels.] Well I guess something struck a nerve because he didn't respond for a while, and then when he did it shocked me. Basically he opened up to me and told me one of the deepest darkest things about himself. It was like he had finally done what I always wanted him to....yet now I was upset because it was so personal I didn't even know how to respond. Also it put into context why he's been acting he way he has and how it's not me that's been pushing too hard or anything, it's his own inner-battle. I finally came up with something to say but of course that was when my phone crapped out on me and hasn't been working right since. Then he texted me the next morning to explain why he had reacted so harshly originally and that he was sorry for taking his anger out on me. Again, I couldn't respond because of my eff-ed up phone.
Today I IM-ed him, just to let him know that I did recieve those messages and that I wasn't ignoring him. He said it was fine and then we just sorta conversated about random things like normal. But all I can do is wonder now...where does that leave us? I'm not by any means trying to push him into a relationship or anything like that, but for him to open up to me I must mean something to him, right? At least in terms of friendship, that's all. And how can I go about letting him know that I'll be there for him if he needs someone to talk to without seeming to over-bearing or without bringing up some bad memories of his? Or should I just act as if nothing was ever even said...?
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance =)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
There are times when we want to help or even save someone in our lives. As a friend you want to be there for them. As a lover you want to be with them. You have to first decide what you want then when you have done something like put yourself out there see what happens. If they dont want you then their loss. But you can remain friends as long as you keep your heart in tact to give to someone who will take it and appreciate what you have. You can still be a friend and find true love. It's up to you to decide what time is the right one to express either one.
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I totally understand how you feel about him not opening up to you, but then when you did you felt kinda overwhelmed and didn't know what to say. I had the same kind of thing happen between my boyfriend and I. He has had a very very rocky life before me and he never really talked to anyone about it, not even his very best friend, well when we started dating the fact that he wouldn't talk to me kind of made our relationship difficult. Because I didn't know where he was coming from, or if we going to gauge all that anger toward me if I one day hit the wrong nerve and it was a very scary time for me, but one day he sat me down and told me everything. I was completely taken aback and I really didn't know what to say to him, because I could see that this was a very sensitive area for him. All you can really do is to let him know that you understand that he has troubles and that you would be very willing to listen to him if he ever wants to talk about it. Don't ever judge him or try and solve the problems because you can't, the best thing you can do is to be there and make sure that he knows you are there.
Hope I Helped.
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I would just tell him something like, "hey, I don't want to necessarily bring up the other night, but I know that stuff wasn't easy for you to tell me, and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me."
I've had experience with this kind of guy - he took all his frustration out on me, and I kept having to remind myself it wasn't me he was angry at, it was himself. He tried to push me towards perfection because he was imperfect, and it was just a really difficult relationship, but we became each others' confidantes, and were able to talk to each other about anything and everything. Though he wasn't really the type to say "hey, I'm here for you if you ever need me," he showed it through checking up on me, calling me if I had an iffy away message (something like "mleh", or "I need hugs,"), things like that.
You could go that route, too, if you don't want to take the direct approach. Pay attention to the way he acts, if something's iffy, check up on him. Be there even if he doesn't want to say he needs you. While no one can read minds, and we shouldn't be expected to, it can help to be aware of the underlying things that go on. Everyone reveals something sometime - you just want to make sure you pick up on it, if you want him to go to you for comfort.
Be his shoulder to cry on, so to speak.
If you choose to go the route of bringing it up directly, I wouldn't have a whole conversation about it because chances are he won't want to, but you can say your piece and leave the rest to him. You can't make him trust or rely on you, he'll have to learn on his own. And he will.
-Siren =)
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