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writing a story, need some readers and feedback
hey guys.
i'm writing a story on a live journal webpage, using the 'diary' kind of form. i've only written the first part, then wrote a sceond and erased the second. i just wanna know what other people think about it.
its for ages like 14 - 19 i guess, about high school and stuff like that. read if you're interested and leave feedback??
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
thanks =] <333 aim:tellocommaashley
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omg that's so weird because i'm writing a story also and i was just gunna put a question on advicenators asking 'what is a good site to post a story on to get feedback on it?' but thanks to your question i found out livejournal is a good place to post it on. haha thank you! but anyway i read the story and i think it is very well written it reminds me of a real high school like mine not all of the fake stuff they write in other books. i am going to post my story on livejournal too and then i will comment on yours and maybe you can then read mine and comment on it? that would be great. thanks for introducing me to livejournal though, because my story is for ages 14-19 too i guess haha.
I JUST ADDED MY STORY HERE IS THE LINK TO MY PAGE:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
it's in 3 different parts becuase it was too long. if you could please add me as a friend becasue idk how to do that! i know it's kind of long but it's good so please read and comment it. thanks!
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First off, your first few lines were beautiful. I even liked it that you suddenly add the vulgarness of the word "shit" into it to break that sort of trance you pull the readers into.
My problem with the story is your usage of curse words. Sure, they are okay scattered here-and-there to make an impact on the reader; however, it seems that you are just tossing them around too easily. I really suggest removing them and only inputting those sorts of words to add a bolt of suddenness to your story. When you add those words, think to yourself, "Will the reader be shocked that Jasey is using this sort of language?" Jasey should use it when she's EXTREMELY frustrated, hurt, or to make a sudden jolt, as you did in the beginning with the word "shit."
You want to make your main character liked by the reader. You want them to relate but not see her as dirty, which is what this sort of language made me feel. Sure, you want the main character to be realistic, but you have to make the personality so that people WANT to keep reading because they form a personal attachment to her.
Like I said, the first few lines were great. The sudden "oomph" was perfect. Aside from that, the language just makes her seem trashy. You definately do not want a trashy-seeming character, specially if you're going to put in things like this:
"You have your basic ‘cliques’ and ‘groups’ or whatever. It’s still the same as when our parents went to school…just with more drugs (and a lot more sex.) But hey, who blames us? If we’re gonna be stuck here for four years we better fuck it up right, huh?"
I know you probably have your story heading a specific direction; however, it would probably be best if you made Jasey into an outcast of sorts. What I am meaning is things like this:
Sure, she could TRY drugs (peer pressure), but then becomes very ill and wishes she could take it back. Maybe end up in the hospital, in which one male friend that she's had a crush on visits her and they share secrets about who they really are.
Sure, she could come close to having sex and then realize how dirty the guy is and that her friends were wrong about how great sex would make her. She realizes that JaneDoe has had lots of sex but seems miserable and is all the time being used by various creepy guys.
She could go through a small fit of depression in which her friends simply do not care or understand. She realizes her friends were NEVER there--and suddenly thinks, "Whoa! Why do I want to be like them anyway?!" This could be prefaced by her waking up every morning, standing in front of the closet, and trying to figure out which trendy outfit would impress Laura and the gang.
She begins to fail and becomes lost in the crowd. Her friends are pressuring her to buy more expensive clothes, better make-up, and "party" with them more. Her mother is busy at work all the time, her brother has a pregnant girlfriend who her family is trying to pay for too so they are tight on money. Nobody seems to want to help her bring up her grades and she begins not showing up for classes so she avoids the whole grade situation AND peer pressure. From there, so many things could happen.
She could pretend throughout the entire story that she's oh-so sexually experienced and then suddenly she's faced with her peers pressuring her to have sex with this guy at a party. She becomes scared and sits on the bed with him, confessing her darkest secret of being a virgin and wanting to keep that until her wedding night. She could even snag the boy this way, especially if he confesses he's only kissed a girl before and basically shares the same lie she has made ;)
This is teenage life, you see, and if you don't make SOMETHING major happen and it goes just like every real teenage life goes nowadays, then there will be no point in reading it. There needs to be a special turning-point in which you see who Jasey truly is. Jasey should be finding out who she truly is in this story, as most good teenage/high-school stories revolve around things like that.
In short, you want your character to be special in the story for whatever reason. You need her to relate to the readers but give a new insight to teenage-life so that she's different and interesting.
I hope you understand what I'm saying and take no offense to my suggestions. I love reading and think being a writer is great.
If you have any questions about my suggestions or need more feedback from me, please feel free to inbox me a question or two! :)
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