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continuation
ok i've asked a question before... it's about a married friend of mine who's husband is cheating on her...
any way i kind of fixed the situation, built her confidence, and instructed her what to do... and things are kind of better.
the thing is i am well off than her and i offered to help her out (because he family won't pay for her) she needed a make over since she planned to confront both her husband and the home-wrecker... in any case i helped out and offered to buy her an outfit and makeup (since she doesn't use any) and i brought another friend of mine to show her how to apply it... when we were at the mall i felt that shewas using me... i mean we agreed to buy her one outfit... so we put one on hold and went around to see more stuff and we found something nicer and i bought it (i spent about 400 dollars!!!!!!! i'm not complaining but look what happens) she kept hinting about the firt out fit and how its nice and she wanted it (i am not stupid she wanted me to buy it, but i acted stupid and said the one she has looks better) any way she kept hinting and hinting and she wanted more stuff (like she got greedy all of a sudden) and then not only that i bought her lunch (fine it was her day to get pampered....) but then we went home where we were supposed to meet the friend who knows how to put the make up ... after that was done that friend had already set plans with me to go to the movies and she doesn't know this friend to well she just put the makeup as a favor for me... the other one wouldn't leave so i had to invite her to the movies... when we got there she wouldn't pay!!!... i mean seriously... what if she starts expecting me to help her all the time?!?!?! a friend in need you know? not a friend to abuse and take advantage of!!! what should i do? i mean i don't regret helping her out but seriously what the heck!! and she didn't even offer or say she would pay back (not that i would take it anyway because thats the way i am brought up) but a little respect won't kill her....
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I understand this may have come as a huge shock to you, but I believe I can understand why your friend is acting this way.
It sounds as if her husband has treated her very poorly (from your previous question). She isn't use to getting new, expensive clothing or being made-up. She isn't use to anyone helping to enhance her beauty or spending time, money, and attention on her. She isn't use to getting attention and being cared for.
She, most likely, didn't mean to go overboard. It was a new experience to her and she was excited that someone actually showed care for her. Like I said, she isn't use to being pampered so she wasn't sure HOW to be pampered.
Please don't let this discourage you from helping others. Your friend didn't mean any harm. I really think next time you should do this:
Tell the person EXACTLY what is happening. In this scenario you should have said:
"I'm going to take you out and we're going to have a nice lunch on me. Then, I'm going to take you to *STORE(s)* and pick you one really nice outfit. My friend *NAME* has agreed to help you with some new make-up techniques. By the end of it, you'll look like a brand-new person! It'll be a pretty full day so around *TIME* we'll have to finish up because I have plans with *NAME* tonight."
Just be open with your friend about the plans and stick to them. If she keeps suggesting you purchase more items for her then say:
"I really had only planned to buy you one outfit and I think we found something really good, don't you? My budget really doesn't allow for much more than that and I figured we might go out another time. So, like I said, I really can't buy more than one good outfit right now so we're just going to have to choose which one you like best. Maybe you can save up some money and come get the other things you like another time."
To me, there was no problem with the movies and her not paying. I'm sure she didn't just tag along without someone suggesting that she did--either you, her, or your friend had to of said something. If she wouldn't leave at the end of the make-over what you should have said was:
"Alright *NAME*, you look great, but I really need to get ready for some plans I had made for tonight. I hope things go well at your home and if you need me please give me a call."
That makes it clear that it's her time to leave, that you have made separate plans, and that you aren't just dumping her off as a friend after helping her out--as in, she wasn't your charity case for the day. From there, if she won't leave, you just be blunt about things, saying something like:
"I have plans with *so-and-so* to see a movie and relax. You have a lot of thinking to do and stuff you need to get ready at your place so I really think it's best you go on and get all of that sorted out this evening. Please give me a call tomorrow or if something happens."
Be clear. That is the key in this entire thing.
The woman has never been pampered. She doesn't get the affection and attention of her spouse so she will cling on to every ounce you give her. She is a normal human female--she needs someone, somewhere to care about her. She is finding that care in you and, as a result, is pushing it a little.
Like I said, the movies doesn't sound like a big deal to me about her paying because YOU invited her, even if you were hesitant. Inviting someone usually means that you are inviting to pay, believe it or not. Some people don't realize that and get upset when a friend assumes they will be paid for. If you invite, then you pay--just keep that in mind. It's simply mannerly and the proper thing to do.
If you want to invite someone out and you do not want to pay for them then you need to either reevaluate going out with them that evening or tell them something like:
"I am kind of low on cash right now. Would it be alright if you paid your way into the movies?"
Of course, some situations vary. You wouldn't invite a friend out to go shopping and expect to pay for her clothes. You wouldn't offer to take a friend to a car dealership to find them a car and expect to pay for it. There are, of course, limits and boundaries but the theatre and lunch are no exceptions.
I want to note that when you invited to take her shopping you told her you would pay for her a new outfit. You do this because when invited out to go shopping the other person assumes they need money. The opposite applies to movies and lunch--you invite a person out, you are expected to pay.
So, next time:
Be blunt and honest.
Know when you are expected to pay and when you're not--make it clear if you cannot pay.
Relax. Your friend has been treated poorly and simply does not know how to act when treated properly.
I'm sure your friend really appreciates what you are doing for her. Just calm down about the situation and be more clear next time. She really doesn't mean any harm. Like I keep saying, she is not use to being treated nicely so it's sort-of a shock that someone is showing care for her. Sometimes when we get really excited we end up pushing out limits or going overboard from the new experience/feeling.
I hope things turn out well for your friend and yourself. If you have any more questions like this please feel free to ask me :)
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Set boundaries.
Tell her that you're willing to help her but you're not going to pamper and spoil her.
Be firm about it. You're her friend. You want to help her get back on her feet.
cheers,
stargirl
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