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Parents are leaving without me. Please help.
I don't know where else to go to ask. I'm going to warn you now that this is probably going to be very long, but I would really and truly appreciate any advice, even if it's not what you think I want to hear.
First of all, I have a weird relationship/set-up with my dad. I'm going to try to simplify it as much as I possibly can.. My mom left when I was a baby and I have lived with my grandmother ever since. My dad has almost always been a part of my life. He's a great guy, he's my best friend, he makes me laugh more than anyone I know, he does things that a dad is supposed to do. The thing is, his presence is my life is very coming and going. Once, I didn't hear from him for a year.
He reappeared when I was fourteen. I just turned eighteen and he has been around for about four years. He's still married to the same woman he was when he left. I love her very much. She's generous and sweet, but sometimes I feel like she is forcing herself to like me. We go places together (without my dad) like the movies, the hair salon, etc. She takes me to work with her. Everything like that.
I see both of them every day. They're probably both my closest friends, and not by default. I love seeing them. I want to stress how close of a relationship I have with them.
The thing is, I'm not really open with anybody about my feelings. I usually bottle them up and then cry about them later, and then I get over it. So I have a hard time telling my stepmom when I feel like she doesn't really love me, and an even harder time telling my dad that I worry he's going to leave me again.
Next month, they're going to London without me. It's not an intimate trip, believe me. My stepmom is going for her job and she wants my dad to go with her. My dad and I share of a love of anything British. The three of us do things together all the time. I don't understand why I wasn't invited. It's not a money issue, either.
I don't want to sound bratty or selfish, so I really hope that I don't. I can't help it that my feelings are hurt. Not only am I being excluded from something that I really, really, REALLY want to do, I'm also going to miss them if they leave me behind for a week. But I'm afraid to talk with them about it.
Please give me any advice, any at all. Thank you so much if you actually took the time to read this, I know it was probably really boring.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First: It's fantastic that you've got such a close relationship with these people in your life. If you fear the woman your Dad is with is forcing herself to like you, just try not to worry so much. If she takes you places with her and seems to enjoy being around you at all, it's all fine. It's good that you guys all get along so well. Don't stress over something good.
If you really feel like your stepmom dosen't like you, you need to try your hardest to open up and talk to her about it. I'm sure it's nothing, but just ask her if she thinks you're bothering her or she has any problems. It will come off as very innocent, and I'm sure it'll end well. She'll probably end up reassuring you that she does in fact like you, and has no problems. If you're really nervous, just try asking her if you could talk to her alone some time, so she'll actually ask you about what's going on and you won't back out.
Have an intimate girl's day, actually. Watch movies and stuff and just ask her what you're curious about. Deep talks don't always mean gushing your feelings out, so it's fine -- Don't worry! She won't get mad at you or anything if you're concerned about her feelings. It'll be fine.
And if you're scared of your Dad leaving again, just try to talk to him about it, too. Like talking to your stepmom, try to get him alone. Tell him you're really glad he's around. See how he responds. If he seems odd about it at all, just ask him if he plans on sticking around. I'm sure that if you just let him know how much him being around really means to you, he'll think twice before deciding to go away. Once again, if you're nervous about it -- Write it out in a card and give it to him, or something along those lines. That, or talk to your stepmom. Now that she's around, he's got something else to keep him in the area.
It really sucks that they didn't say anything about you going with them, especially if they know how much you'd enjoy London. However, remember that you said it was for your stepmom's job. I'm sure she'll be very busy on this business trip, and she'd just like your Dad's company there. While you guys do tons of things together, maybe they'd like some time alone? Even if it's for business, I'm sure there would be some down time for your Dad and stepmom to spend together, alone. It could be a nice little vacation-type thing for them.
Just remember, you're also eighteen. Some families stop taking the children on trips around that age, so that could also be it -- Not a personal thing.
But once again, if it's REALLY bothering you, try to talk to them about it. Don't instantly whine about it or anything, of course. Just mention how you'll miss them, and maybe look a little upset over it. Hopefully they'll catch the hint. If not, go along those lines -- They'll catch on eventually, and explain why you can't go.
I'd just recommend that you start talking to these two very important people in your life a little more. It's difficult, but it's worth it, I promise you. Instead of keeping your feelings in, talking makes you feel 432894032x better, and you'll have a MUCH closer relationship, even closer than you are now.
Don't be afraid to talk to them -- They love you very much, and I'm sure they'd be happy to listen!
XOXO
KAT.
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Please know that I'm not doubting or questioning your love for your Father/Step-Mother or their love for you, however, in the situation you described, there is no doubt that you have some underlying abandonment fears that run very deep. Your response to the England trip may seem like an overreaction to you, but to me it highlights this deeper issue.
Your inability to easily share your feelings with others, to me, is also an indicator of a protection you have in place and a fear of driving people away. I bring all of this up, because I think it's important that you realize there are two separate issues here. One, is the trip to England and your feelings about wanting to go. The second is all of the underlying "baggage" you are carrying due to your past.
I think sharing with both your Dad and your Step-Mom your feelings of disappointment over not going with them is a great place to start, realizing, however that this might not change the fact that you're not going on the trip. It will, however, be a terrific first step in being honest about your true feelings with the people you love and proving to your inner self that doing so, will not drive them away.
You don't have to be perfect. You are aloud to have your own feelings even if they aren't always pretty. You are aloud to feel fear, just don't let it rule you or your relationships.
Perhaps, once they have returned from the trip (with or without you) you can start to open up to them a little about your fears. You can find ways to make them understand without placing blame or making them feel guilty. You might even want to find a counselor to talk with who can help you find ways to replace your fear based patterns with healthy strategies for ongoing positive relationships with your Dad and your Step-Mom. Best of luck to you.
Kind wishes,
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well most parents would do it to be alone
but with everything youve been through
it could be a problem
if i would you, i would talk to my dad
and try to consult him about it
if it doesnt work out then hun im not sure =/
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No it wasn't boring at all you sound like a very lovable honest person, ask you're father with out any fear if there is a problem that they didn't invite you to go with them, it's simple tell him you would like to go with them if it's possable, could be because it's mainly a business trip could be the reason you woren't invited, in any event it don't hut to ask. Good Luck.
HEALER
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