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My Friend's Dilemma
Ok so this isn't my problem, it's actually my best friend's. She confided all of this to me yesterday and was in need of some advice. I tried to help her out as best as I could, but I couldn't say too much because i've never really experienced anything like this. That's where you guys come in. So here is her dilemma: (I apologize, as per usual it's gonna be ridiculously long.)
Ok so my friend, Jane, has been having problems with her boyfriend Dave. She met him through work (which will later play into a large part of the problem) and at first she really liked him. But at the time she wasn't really looking for a relationship (she had previously been having issues with another guy who she worked with and hooked up with). But Dave started showing signs that he liked her and eventually asked her out on a date. The whole time he was a complete gentleman and even ended the night with a simple kiss on the cheek. They spent weeks just going on dates and talking and getting to know each other before they became official. At first she was smitten - they had so much in common and she got along so well with him, and that lasted for quite some time. However, it still was only the start of the relationship. As time went on, he ended up meeting most of her family and friends, and they all loved him. (And I as a friend agree - he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met and I couldn't have been more happy for her.) But now as the relationship starts to get on, the problems begin to arise:
- First off, they work together. And he's one of her supervisors. A.k.a. If some people they work with find out...big "UH-OH". They could both lose their jobs. [Which would be problematic for both, him being that it's his career, and her for the fact that it's an internship in connection with her school, and it's directly related to her major and what she wants to do in life.) But so far they've had no problems in keeping their relationship a secret. However, as of late she's starting to feel like she's missing out on something...which will tie in with the next issue...
- Friends. Dave dislikes many of the people that they work with. So that causes a problem for Jane on two levels: 1.) She can't go out with certain people from work whom she'd like to hang out with because if Dave wants to spend time with her as well, she can't bring him because they can't be seen together. and 2.) Even if they are people who she doesn't have to hide her relationship from, Dave doesn't like them. Now she could just simply divide her time up and hang out with them and then hang out with him another time, but again that goes into another issue...
- He wants to spend WAY too much time with her. He's crazy about her and loves her and they spend a lot of time together. But whenever she wants her distance and a night out with the girls, he gets upset and feels as if she doesn't want to be with him, which in turn makes her feel bad. And angry at him at the same time.
Now that you know all the little nuances, it's time for the MAJOR problem at hand (that ties them all in). There's an age difference between the two of them, she's 20 and he's 26. Now age really ain't nothin but a number, and it's not that big of a gap, but it is starting to come into play in this case. Since she's only 20, she wants to live her life and experience college and have fun. Him being 26 and pretty much settled in life, has different ideas about that. She has a very energetic and magnetic personality. She likes to command attention from everyone (but not in an obnoxious, annoying way) and she loves making new friends and having lots of different people around her. She usally makes many friends at work, but because of Dave she hasn't really been able to do that (because of the two situations mentioned above). So when she sees her friends and people from work hanging out outside of the job, she feels as if she's missing out. Also, she's going to be graduating early [in like, less than a year] so with that in mind, and with most of her friends being older and graduating this coming year, she wants to spend as much time with them as possible and have as many experiences as she can before college is over. However, she feels held back because of Dave and it's driving her crazy. That's coupled with the fact that he's really in love with her. To the point that he's stated that he wants to marry her and spend his life with her. Now that's the FARTHEST thing from her mind right now and she's definitely not ready to get married at any time soon, nor does she think about it. Also, as of now she lives in Rhode Island (that's where she goes to school and works) but her hometown is New York. So when she's done with school, she's definitley coming back to New York. He's been thinking of also coming to NY to pursue a teaching career. This bothers her because she doesn't know if he's doing that to just follow her or because he actually wants to teach there, and she doesn't want him making life decisions like that based on her alone. She's tried talking to him about some of these things, but he usually just gets very upset and doesn't really understand her reasoning. And she gets upset talking to him about it because she really cares about him, and she doesn't want to hurt him, but she feels like no matter what she says will.
About a little over a year ago she was dating this other guy, Julio, who became somewhat possessive and didn't really like her hanging out with her friends too often. So he broke up with her after 6 months because of it. She's been dating Dave now for 5 months and she's worried that it might have the same fate, being that it's nearing the same amount of time and such. But she really doesn't want it to end and cares about him deeply -- but everything he's been doing has been pushing her away. Also despite this she's been trying to make time to see her friends and hang out with them up in RI, but they keep bitching about her saying that she doesn't invest enough time in them and that she's "changed", then when she makes an effort they blow her off (which is an entirely different problem...but it doesn't help her situation.) Also because of this, she's been finding herself attracted to other guys, but not in a sexual way. For example, she's developed this sort of "crush" on Ted, one of her higher-ups at work. She knows nothing will come of it (her being in a relationship and him being married) and she doesn't think of him "like that" at all, but she's just attracted to his personality and the kind of person he is, and she just admires him. It's nothing that will damage her relationship, but she feels it has a lot to do with Dave and the way he's been acting. Plus Ted does this thing with all his co-workers where he'll invite them over to his house and make dinner for them and they'll have a nice fancy dinner with him and his wife (he's a chef). He invited Jane a while ago, and she was going to go, and even told Dave in advance, but the day before she was going Dave flipped out on her about it. She still went, but it really upset her. And lately every little argument sets her off and they end up screaming at each other. Another big part is that his last girlfriend was in a committed relationship with him, but then ended it abruptly as college ended to go back to her homestate, which left him pretty devastated. I thought this might have something to do with the way he's acting in this relationship.
This has been taking a toll on her emotionally and physically, and she just wants some peace.
Sooo after this long rambling entry, the question is: What should she say to Dave? How can she let him know how she feels without hurting him or upsetting him? She doesn't want to end the relationship (again, aside from the fights here and there he treats her like a princess and is one of the sweetest guys she's ever met or been with) because she cares about him deeply, but how does she let him know that and also at the same time tell him that she needs her time away from him and to live her life? What else can she do?
Any advice would be appreciated, I really just want to see my friend happy. It hurts me to see her upset and hurting like this :(.
Thanks so much =)
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My honest opinion...
I don't think the problem is that Dave is older than her... Or even that they work together. I think the problem is that Dave isn't ready to be in a serious relationship. I'm not going to speculate as to WHY he isn't ready... I'm just going to say that Dave sounds one french fry short of a happy meal.
Here's why...
1. They've been together for five months... He's all ready talking about marriage... And while he may want to pursue a teaching career, couldn't he do that where he is now? Sounds like he may be building his world around her... And that's just a bad idea, no matter how long two people are together.
2. He's all ready telling her who she should and should not hang out with. What she should and shouldn't be doing. If he really loved her, wouldn't he want her to be happy? Even if that meant that he might miss her one night of the week? Even if that meant that she was friends with someone that he thought he was a total moron? Love is not selfish. He's being kind of selfish, demanding all her time.
3. If she tries to talk about these things with him and he can only get upset... He isn't communicating. If he doesn't communicate, the discussion stops there and then... How are they supposed to reach a solution? What happens when they experience other problems in the relationship? With-out communication... Relationships don't survive. Period.
She can try to work it out... The only way to work it out is for them to talk about it. If he can't talk about it like a rational adult... It's time for her to reassess this relationship and where it's going. I know he's a nice guy. But sometimes... Just because a guy is nice isn't a guarantee that everything is going to pan out.
Sorry to sound like such a kill-joy. It's just that this situation really concerns me because I'd hate for her to change who she is or miss out in life because his head isn't screwed on straight at the moment.
Ps. And in my opinion... Her other friends are being childish. Real friends understand that people grow up, have lives, and are busy. The older we get, the less time we have to socialize. They need to learn to share.
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Okay first off, I think their age differnce is a huge factor in this problem. I know she cares alot about him but he seems VERY attached and controlling.
Obviously, she is way too young to be thinking about marriage - she hasn't even finished college yet! College is about having fun and making life long friends. She shouldn't be worrying about her boyfriend. If he truly loved her and cared about her he would let her have fun without making her feel guilty all the time.
Usually it's the other way around where the younger person gets attached more so than the older one. So knowing that she seems more mature than he is. Personally, I would want a guy who is more mature than me for my sake.
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Wow! That is quite a problem. I would tell her to just sit him down and talk to him about it and how she really feels. How she really likes him and loves hanging out with him but every once in a while she likes to hang out with her girlfriends. If he dosen't understand this when he is 26 years old, then maybe she should consider someone else but i know you said that she really does like him. She also needs to tell him she wants to have a good future so sometimes she needs to focus on that. If he is a good boyfriend, he should understand all this. She just needs to tell him exactly how she feels so he knows. Hope this helps!
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