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married and in love with someone else
I'm married (have been for 5 years) and I recently ran into my old high school flame. I was crazy about him but it didn't work out because he moved away. He is married now as well (but not happily). We decided to secretly meet up and catch up on old times. Since then we have been talking a lot and he says he thinks he is falling in love with me and he wants to leave his wife. He asked me if I would leave my husband for him. Truthfully I have thought about it. He says he thinks it is meant to be, and in a way I do too. I'm just not sure what to do. I love my husband but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I'm just not sure if I would be making a mistake. I just need some advice without being judged.
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First off, there really isn't a way to ask this question without being judged. Everyone has already decided if leaving a spouse is acceptable behavior regarding different circumstances. Everyone already has judged by just reading about your thoughts of leaving your husband. We can only give you advice on this with our own opinions.
That being said, I definately do not think you should randomly leave your husband because an old flame has came back into your life.
The problem is that you are not keeping your word in marriage. Marriage means sticking by your partner through thick and thin--even when you find someone else you enjoy being around, you stick with your partner and you COMMUNICATE with them about your desires. You agreed upon this when entering your marriage, this is no surprise to you. If you cannot keep your word to be faithful to this man, how do you know that you will not be unfaithful to this newer man?
In addition to that statement, how do you know that this new man will be faithful to you? He is breaking his agreement with his wife as well and this proves that he is untrustworthy.
If you love your husband then you will do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. Loving someone does not mean you intentionally hurt them--which is what you are starting to do.
You obviously knew it would be painful for you to see your old flame because you snuck around and met up secretively. You KNEW this was not acceptable. Why would you intentionally betray your husband? Why would you do something behind his back?
I think the only reason things are sparking up with you and this man is because you had it in your minds that it would before you two even met up the first time. Being deceiving and hiding a meet-up from your spouse tells me that you felt something NEEDED to be hidden in the first place. Obviously you had some unresolved feelings of the past for this old flame.
From here you need to stop contact with this man.
He is not your husband and that means you need to step back.
Look at what you are doing to yourself and your husband. You are taking away every ounce of love you ever showed your husband by betraying him with this new man.
I think you need to communicate with your husband about this right away. You need to confess to him that you have gone behind his back to meet a man and have developed feelings for that man. You need to confess that you have thought about leaving your husband of five years for the man. You need to confess that you "love" your husband but aren't "in love" with him--which is completely bullshit in my eyes.
People who say they love someone but aren't "in love" with them are using some twisted way of getting out of a relationship. If you LOVE someone then you ARE IN LOVE with them. Yes, maybe your marriage has changed through the years and you aren't as young as you once were but true love does not fade off with changes. You love someone despite the changes made in the relationship throughout the years and you try your hardest to make everything work right.
If you feel the relationship is ending then do things you haven't done in awhile WITH your partner. Go bowling, see movies, go on "dates" again. Do whatever it is that you think is so wonderful--HELL, pretend to sneak out and see a man behind your husband's back, but let that man BE your husband!
If you love your husband then cut off contact with the old flame and work on your marriage. Communication is key and things are simply not going to work if you can't tell your husband the truth about EVERYTHING.
If you decide your marriage is worth it (like you decided five years ago in the first place) then you need to seek marriage counseling to learn how to communicate effectively with eachother--something that is obviously missing.
If you think your marriage simply isn't worth it and that this new man can be something your husband cannot be then all I can say is pray because these things hardly ever seem to last. It's the rush of hiding something from a partner that is truly the appealing part to most people and when they find out that the rush of that is gone the relationship burns out as quickly as it began.
If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me in my inbox!
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Let's see, your husband is disposable, his wife is disposable, how long before you are disposable? Hey, why don't you go for an alternative life style and ask your spouses if they just want to trade back and forth?
You know, I struggled with even answering this, because no matter what is said, your just going to do what you want. Your mind is already made up, your just looking for someone to approve of you and be on your side. A vow, is a vow, it amuses me how easily the two of you are willing to go back on your word. I sure am glad you are just another person in a box so I can think that this scenario is not real and it's just a story.
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I completely agree with Brandi below me.
If kids are involved, I would not do this. Kids going through a divorce end up emotionally scarred. It just is never good for the kids unless they were abused by one of the parents or something.
Was the marriage with your husband happy before this guy came back? Like Brandi said, if it was, it really isn't worth it to end your marriage to start another, just because some guy from high school came around doesn't mean you should drop what you already have for him.
But if you're honestly unhappy with your marriage right now, and it has NOTHING to do with this old flame, then I would say go for it. I am pretty much against divorce, but it's not my life, so I can't really hold you to my standards.
--Jack
(16/m)
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I agree with Mangy. Be honest about how you
felt about things before the old flame came
back.
Also be aware that some guys will give you
a sob story about how bad their marriage is,
(well some women too)just to get what they
want from you. He's looking to cheat and if
you haven't slept with him yet...don't. Not
until you are 100% sure your marriage is over.
And not until you BOTH have left your spouses
and started the divorce procedure.
I know it can be a romantic notion having
the lost love come back into your life.
Just make sure you aren't reminiscing
yourself into a mistake. The fairy tale
doesn't usually pan out.
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Let me ask you this: How happy was your married life before old flame came along?
If the answer is happy, or something similar, then it's not worth it to leave a happy marriage for something that is, honestly, uncertain.
Also, do you have children involved? If so, is this rekindling really worth it to totally change their lives as well?
Another thing to think about is this: If he's unhappy and willing to go behind his wife's back to meet someone new, what are the chances you'll be in her shoes one day?
Not judging. Just giving you my outside of the box perspective.
ygs-30/f, married.
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