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do you think im talented i have bad nerves?
this is a poem i did i have bad anxiety its not about me its one of these poems where you need to think what its about in a life situation im fifteen =] thanks
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Its only a voice she crenched with fear Dont make me feel superior Im only here.
Dont mutter my words dont Violate my space Dont touch my tears Dont Look at my face
Because Ill smile when Im Hated and ill frown when im not . Ill retaliate to your speech because when your so cold i feel so hot . Let me be here forever let us hold hands and open arms wide in this beautiful weather
she quoted and then sang she laughed and then smiled . For the first time in her life she never felt so mild
the feels of her justice fell thorugh the sky her red lipstick smudged Proves her life was never a lie .
Just one more minuite she said to herself her body quivered through determination and though that she smiled one last time Let me love the people i once dislliked let me make a provision
let me draw a line.
It felt she was derierating into a dust so fine . As sudden as the cold weather went through that the sun started to shine . >>>>
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i thought that your poem was amazing. I love writing poems myself, and yours was way better then any of mine... you have an amazing talent and should keep writing.it was so meaningful, it gave me chills.
Amazingg...
Love,
Erin<3
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EDIT: Well excuse me for trying to help you. No rough draft is ever perfect, I happen to have some poems published in magazines and the like. I didn't say "you have to do this"- all just ideas. No need to get all defensive. Clearly you do have a lot of issues if you respond like that. Real writers know that criticism, not compliments, is what they need.
I really, really liked it, but saying that isn't helpful, so...
- Crenched? I'm not sure if that's a word (sorry for sounding like an idiot if it is, but you might wanna replace it with something more used)
- Inferior, not superior- superior means better than, which doesn't make sense
- The phrase about retaliating is too long- maybe "i'll react cause when you're cold i feel so hot"
That's not exactly it- the rhythm's still off- but something shorter, more like the smile/hated frown/not line.
- The line after that needs some work, too. Too long and just kind of awkward. I can't think of a fix for it right now, you may just want to cut it and rewrite it shorter and minus the cliches about staying forever and beautiful weather.
- Line after that: "she quoted, she sang, she laughed and she smiled"- flows better. Line after that doesn't flow either, too many syllables.
- The "feels" of her justice? Not sure what that's supposed to mean.
- "Her red lipstick smudged proves it wasn't a lie"- more concise
- Just one more minute line-
"A minute, she said to herself as she quivered. determination made her smile one last time. let me love mine enemies, let me make a provision, let me draw a line."
- "She disintegrated into a dust so fine, the cold went through her, warm winds took her far...where the ice had no hold on how the sun could shine"
Please don't think that I hate your poem or that I'm trying to make it into something else. I like it a lot, which is why I'm trying to offer specific suggestions. General ideas like "be less vague" don't help. Obviously you don't have to do anything I said- just some food for thought.
Good luck, that really has a lot of potential.
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I really like this. You have potential, I must say. Apart from some grammatic errors: "your.." should be you're...etc. It flows nicely. I perfectly understand what its like to have anxiety, cause I suffer from it really badly as well. And I write poetry too :) I think that with some more practice, you will get better and better. But you have some really good techniques and styles in here.
Especially this
"Don't touch my tears
Don't look at my face
Because I'll smile when I'm hated..."
Getting rid of some cliche phrases would be a fine idea for you. "sun started to shine" .."body quivered"..try to stay away from lines like that..as everyone knows them and they're not all that creative.
I think you'd make great poetry with more practice :) Never give up.
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I think your poem was enlightening with much detail. I don't feel that your nerves have anything to do with your talent.
Continue writing as an external release of feelings, it actually is helping you!
great poem.
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